This week I wanted to write something fun, kicky, summeresque for my FaN blogumn.  I wanted to talk about the resurgence of mobile food coaches like Cool Haus, the handmade ice cream sandwich truck here in LA.  I pondered on writing about my love of Vuze.com, a new peer-to-peer file bit torrent app where I downloaded the entire 2006 season of Doctor Who in HD for free!  I wanted to talk to you about a gazillion different cool things that the nerd in me loves/is excited about, but I can’t focus on anything other than my current reality.

My Dad has Leukemia.

That sentence just keeps rolling around in my brain like a mean-ass pinball.  It’s amazing how much space a 4-word sentence can occupy.  As I write today, I’m sitting at the cluttered kitchen table in the house where I spent my formative years. Lappy and I are in a little burgh named Haxtun, a tiny town of 900 brave souls on the Colorado prairie.

Mom and Dad

Before Dad’s illness began, I would travel to Haxtun every other year or so, usually catching up with family news on the phone.  I was an awkward, artsy, odd child who packed up and moved to a bigger town as soon as my 18th birthday hit.  Haxtun is worlds, planets and galaxies, away from the fierce life in LA.  There are no stoplights, no ice-cream trucks and the only grocery store in town doesn’t sell beer and closes at 10pm.  You have to walk across the highway to the liquor store for that.  There is a town whistle that blows at 7am, Noon, 1pm and 6pm.  My parents have lived in Haxtun for 36 years, 32 spent in this house.

Today, Mom lives in this house and my father is in the hospital about 500 yards away.  He has been sick with a blood disorder, Myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS), for the past year. Over that year, he has had chemo and way too many hospital stays. Two weeks ago, the Doctor informed them that his condition had progressed into Leukemia.  Treatments for the MDS and Leukemia are contrary to one another and, at 73, a bone marrow transplant is no longer an option.

If I tell you my Dad has always been strong, that seems such a thin description and it doesn’t come close to covering the subject.  He was an actual cowboy, breaking horses and herding cows for a while when he was young.  He is a crooner, a math genius and a tenderhearted man who is a sucker for lost animals or people.  He has always shown his love for his wife, calling her on the phone to ask her out for a Saturday night date, even though they’d been married over 50 years.  He’s an ornery pain in the butt, but would pretty much give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  Then he’ll tell you a fart joke.

After Mom told me the news, I came home.  I’ve come home to sit with him and give Mom an occasional break from the hospital.  I’ve come home to weed the neglected flowerbeds, brush the shedding animals and bake cookies for the rest of the visiting family. I’ve come to spend some time with my father while he still has a little time to spend.

I’ve come home to be with my brothers and sisters.  Right now I’m pretty glad that Mom and Dad decided to have 5 of us, and not just because I’m the 5th.  My siblings are coming in handy right now. We can cry on one another, get teary-eyed in the hospital hallway or on the front lawn with little provocation and it’s understood.  We can also make each other laugh like maniacs, over new jokes or decade old stories that have grown into family legend.  My daily goal is to make Dad chuckle and Mom giggle.

The house is quiet today because Mom is at the hospital, sitting with Dad.  My siblings have driven back to their homes and families, some close, some 4 hours away.  I will be flying back to CA in a few days, to my own home and husband.  While it will be nice to be in my own bed again, a huge part of me will be wishing I was still here helping, even if it’s just reading Mark Twain out loud while my Dad drifts off to sleep.

Me and my sisters with Dad (not a recent pic)

I’m still not quite in the position to procrastinate yet. But really looking forward to the day when I can get back to my favorite past time. Til then, please enjoy the below goodies, so that I can vicariously procrastinate through you.

If I didn't already know that I would somehow manage to poke my own clumsy eye out with this masterpiece, I would totally buy this world landmark ring, which is available at etsy for only $24.

1. Food samples from 7 out of 17 vegan restaurants in Los Angeles tested positive for meat products. Is it wrong that I now want to eat at those 7 vegan restaurants? [Gawker]

2. I can’t wait, wait, wait for the Coco Chanel biopic. Here’s the trailer w/ subtitles. [Elle]

3. I hate madlibs, b/c I don’t think they’re funny and I always feel like my time is being wasted when forced to participate in one. But caveat: this celebrity interview madlib is actually funny b/c it’s true. [Jezebel]

4. Looking for the perfect gift for your favorite goth/macabre person? How about a blood choker. [LikeCool]

5. Not sure if people in other cities outside of LA have been seeing the District 9 viral campaign all over the place. This includes bus benches with “For Use of Humans Only” signs, billboards, radio ads, and all sorts of things designed to pique our interest. So if you, like me, were wondering what all the viral hype was about. Here’s the trailer:

On Saturday, July 11th, “John Dunn’s Last Run,” a 30-minute film I wrote and directed that revolves around nighttime jogging, ghosts, underage sexual temptation and unwanted back hair will screen at the Johnstown Film and Wine Festival in Pennsylvania.*

Since I’m sure that many of you are planning to see the film and sip some of Appalachian Pinot Grigio, I thought I would helpfully provide you with two pre-festival dinner ideas by giving you brief descriptions of Johnstown’s must-eat destinations.

FIERCELY RECOMMENDED

Sheetz

Photo Credit: Via Bulatao

Whether at a dinner party or on a first date, bringing up the topic of convenience stores is a risky proposition that will often be met with scorn and derision. However, talking about Sheetz is different. It is a convenience store like Citizen Kane is a movie, Moby-Dick a novel or the Pittsburgh Steelers a mere football team. It is the convenience store by which all other convenience stores are judged.

Founded by Bob Sheetz in 1952 — the first store was in Johnstown’s neighbor city of Altoona, Pa – and now a robust franchise with 344 locations in six states stretching all the way down to North Carolina, Sheetz has eclipsed steel and coal as single greatest export in the history of Western Pa.

At the heart of Sheetz’s success is the “MTO”. While these three letters (which stand for “made-to-order”) once solely represented the process of how the subs were made, the “MTO” has now grown to encompass the means of production for a cornucopia of 24/7 culinary delights ranging from juicy, delectable burgers, freshly tossed salads and a smoothie bar.

Sheetz not only revolutionized the type of food found in convenience stores but the way we humans order it. Upon entering the store, patrons are free from having to place their lunch, dinner or Taco Bell-coined fourth-meal orders into the often unwashed and illiterate hands of apathetic teens or unable-to-retire senior citizens and instead they are greeted by a wall of sleek, easy-to-use kiosks (which are now also found on the gas pumps) with an interface so simple, sleek and sturdy as to make the iPhone feel as clunky as a Ford Pinto.

Quite simply, while in Johnstown, there is no better way to celebrate both the centennial of the Italian Futurists and John Dunn’s Last Run than to visit Sheetz, the elBulli of convenience stores.

YOU SHOULD KINDA WANNA EAT HERE EVEN THOUGH YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T GO EVEN IF THEY PAID YOU

Coney Island

Photo Credit: Eileen Mundok

Not to be confused with the historic resort destination in New York City, Johnstown’s Coney Island restaurant — located within the skeletal remains of downtown next to a Greyhound bus station and an airport-sized steel mill– is a historic monument in of itself, albeit one dedicated to extruded meat.

It’s doors are open nearly 24 hours a day (except from 4AM-6AM), but no matter what time or in what inebriated state you arrive, a host of aged, rotund women with receding hairlines wait behind the counter to take your order.  When seen together, this collection of the nearly departed resembles a group of hymn-singing lobotomized mental patients in a 1920’s lunatic ward.

Of course, the real attractions are the world famous hot dogs and how they are put together. After you order the hot dogs, the Islandettes –as the locals affectionately call them — retrieve buns from the steamer and line them up on their non-too insubstantially sized forearms (five buns per forearm is usually the norm). Then, they seamlessly slide each hot dog into the bun and slather it, their bicep fat shaking like Jell-O in a 9.5 earthquake, with Coney Island’s patented condimentary mixture of mustard, chili and onions. Finished, they plop them on plates, ready for you to eat and enjoy. Bon Appetit!

*For those not in the know, Johnstown is a Western, Pa city recently re-famous, hitherto in this column, for its fugitive TV weatherman.

Hey Darlings,

Bad dates + Vicodin + Secret Foods = a great first week back with comments to match. Check out our best of below:

HELLO FRIDAY

re: Fierce OR Nerdy: America vs. USA in which slpc asked us to choose between “America (the Beautiful)” and “Proud to be an American.”

BabySmiling: How about a write-in vote for Neil Diamond’s America?  “Today!”

PHILOSOPHICAL MONDAY

re: Single White Nerd: Real Life vs. Blog Land in which Michael Kass gets prematurely dumped after a date Googles him and finds his past Fierce and Nerdy blog posts. Doh!

keldoo: She seems rather judgemental and completely lacking in the sense of humor department. And PS, [if] you’ve googled the person you are on a date with. You’re supposed to put that information in your back pocket and use it when necessary.

OH, IT’S TUESDAY

Photo Credit: Ebonezer

re: Hasta La Vista, Vicodin? in which we informed you that the federal gov’t is taking under consideration a proposal to ban Percoset and Vicodin.

(Thought) Chuck: Oh noes indeed! What will people like Liza Minelli & Rush Limbaugh do?!?!?! SERIOUSLY!!!

WOW! IT’S WEDNESDAY!

re: Our Secret Foods, in which we asked if you had any secret foods — foods that you only eat when no one else is watching. Apparently, many of you do. Here are just a few of them:

CH: Hostess chocolate donuts.

keldoo: Twinkies. Frozen. Always….

Robin: Spoonfuls of store bought cake frosting.

aimee: i had crunch berries for dinner! they made me sick but i may go back for more…

Kim: When I was a kid I used to sneak in the kitchen and slice off hunks of salami then hide the wrappers between my mattress and headboard. Somehow I foolishly thought my mom would never find all those wrappers or notice that the salami stick was getting smaller and smaller. And no hide the salami jokes y’all!

DEAR THURSDAY

Photo Credit: Jean-Phillipe Rebuffet

re: Venice Flytrap: The Strange Case of (My Date with) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, in which Kelly Kaboom tells us about the worst impromptu date ever. Ever.

jenny: OMG! That scenarios needs to go into some screenplay pronto! For a while I thought he might have been trying to pull that ‘insult you to make you like me’ trick that guys try, but this one WAS a real douchebag! At least you got some good fish and a great story out of it!

Nice! No one guessed that yesterday’s lyric was from “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker, and now I’m a point ahead. Please do make my weekend by not getting today’s lyric, otherwise we’ll have to go into double or nothing next week, which would make me sad.

That requested, let’s get into 70s or 80s Friday. Funny story, while looking up the lyrics for this next song, I realized that I have no earthly idea what it means. But like most hit songs that don’t really make any sense, it has a great beat.

Madman drummers bummers,
Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat

Guesses in the comments and Anita Baker softly lit amongst a bunch of candles after the jump:

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a blogumn by Zack Bunker

Photo Credit: Noferin

Well folks, this is usually the time of year I start to crave a good Spring Cleaning… but I know what you’re thinking: “Zack its Summer you lazy ass, why haven’t you done that yet?!” Well truth be told I like to procrastinate a little, and better late than never right? I mean, it hasn’t been so long that I can’t find the door…

With all this energy, I am inspired this week to brush things up a little, cleaning everything around the edges and reducing the cobwebs that have started to encompass the corners of my laptop… So this week is a good time for you guys to play a little catch up! These are some videos you should have seen by now that will give you a good guaranteed laugh care of my good friend Youtube! Some may be old, some may be new to you, but all are tasty bits that you just need to see.

I’m even cleaning the cat too…

So join me after the jump for more fun internet goodies!

Insanity cats! ahhhhhhhh

Oh. My. God….

Gay Boyfriend by The Hazzards!

Sun Fizz Commercial! I know i’m scared…

Motorcycle Surprise!

I’ve been wondering how long it would take for some internet-savvy band to go ahead and name itself “Memes,” so big thanks to Margaret from “Green Beans and Little Things” for introducing us to the video by a band that did just that. I’m also a fan of low-budget/high-creativity works, and this is very clever. So good job all around.

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a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom

Photo Credit: Jean-Phillipe Rebuffet

I’m lying on the floor, actually I’m stuck on the floor, caught in the doorway that separates my roommate, Lauren’s and my bedrooms from the rest of the apartment. With my arm extended straight up I yell for Lauren. her bedroom door is wide open, I think she is folding laundry. I’m five feet away and in need of a lift. What does she do? Laugh. That’s it. She laughs and shakes her head while saying, “No I’m not gonna help you up.”

“Oh come on! Don’t you know what kind of day I’ve had? Come on I can’t get up! Please?”

“Nope, sorry.” (snort, giggle)

Considering she helped me get this way, you would think she’d be more sympathatic.

Confused?

So am I, but maybe we can figure it out together. About half an hour ago I returned home from an impromptu date with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Rewind back and it’s early Sunday morning, one that started with the best of intentions which were blown away after measuring myself to see how my diet was working. The reveal; it’s not, not working at all. Depression and exhaustion sweep through me as I put the tape measure down and head ot the kitchen for tea. Halfway there I collapse on the floor in a weepy ball of snot and tears.

Things have been tough, life has been smacking me around lately and I have the bruises to prove it. SO I guess I hit my breaking point. Deciding it best I cancel my plans and head to church. This usually predictable pick-me-up fails. I leave thinking a cheeseburger might do the trick. Luckily I have a gift certificate to Island’s, a thrilling realization for my unemployed wallet. With cert and book (Durang) in basket, I peddle off on my old blue bike.

A root beer float, mushroom cheeseburger, two orders of fries and many pages later I am feeling better. Yet I think I could feel better still. I figure a gin and tonic will help. I’m right it does and halfway through I am giggling at Durang again. It’s at this point that I notice the man at the other side of the bar. He is attractive, drinking a beer and smiling at me. Instinct tells me to stare at my shoes, gulp my drink and run out the door.

But no!

Instinct always tells me to do that because I am shy around men. Today is different, today sucks, so I’m gonna try something new. I smile back, sort of, then nervously finish my drink. A second later there is another one in front of me from you know who.

Alright I’m game.

I take the drink and head over. We talk, the conversation is good, he’s older than me by at least 15 years, but it’s LA so who cares? Dr. Jekyll suggests heading down to Hinanu’s to shoot some pool, it’s a good suggestion. When he goes to the bathroom I get my bill, but the bartender doesn’t pick it up in time and Dr. Jekyll comes back. He insists on paying for the whole thing.

(slight  protest) “Well ok if you insist.”

Sweet! My gift certificate lives to see another day.

Down the street and things continue to go great. We play a couple games of doubles with some funny regulars. The subject of roller derby comes up, but NOBODY grills me about it, so nice. I enjoy two ice cold bottles of cider. Dr. Jekyll has some beers as well. Suddenly he says,

“Hey are you hungry? Want some sushi?”
I think no I’m not hungry, but Hell yes I want some sushi!
He wants to go to Hama Sushi, which pleases me greatly. Hama is not only the best by the beach, but it’s real close to my place. I’m well aware that I have a wobbly bike ride home coming up.

We meet up there, take a seat at the sushi bar where Dr. Jekyll orders torro and sake. I’ve never had torro before, so after the small orgasm I receive from the first piece I wonder why. What has kept me from this slice of buttery, fishy goodness? I look up at the specials board and the answer is plain as day. Torro is $16 an order! Yeah I’d never pay that much for a slice of fish, but I’ll let someone else, and he did a few times.

The sake arrived  poured from a long bamboo husk into a 6oz. juice glass until it flowed over the top and filled the bamboo box holding the glass. That’s alot of sake, so I was pretty surprised when Dr. Jekyll drained half his glass after our toast.

I was even more surprised when My. Hyde turned to face me after setting the glass down.

True shock, though, came when he picked up his unseen baggage, slammed it on the bar, opened it and started throwing his dirty laundry at me. In one gulp I went from being the cute, fun girl he met at Island’s to every bitch that ever stomped on his heart. The conversation became a one sided argument instantly.

He would say something and I would reply only to be cut off by Mr. Hyde getting in my face to say, “You don’t know. You have no idea!”

Then he would rant, drink, order more fish and encourage me to do the same. Of course every selection I made must have been impalatable as the poor thing winced and gagged on the pieces I enjoyed. Insane comments came  along with the said and red snapper. At the end of his first glass of sake he turned, looked me dead in the eye and said, “I like you so much I have to  find a reason to hate you.”

!!??WHAT??!!

As we progressed through the second glass he repeated that statement, threw in a few more choice insults, then began telling me how hard it is to be a woman.

“Oh I KNOW(big eye roll) you have it hard. I get it ok?”
“Ok, but I never said anything about that, so where did you….”
“Trust me, I’ve heard it.”
“Sure it’s difficult, but it’s not that hard. You learn to deal with…..”
Mr. Hyde takes a deep breath, “You’ve CONFORMED.”
I began choking on my tuna. “I’ve conformed?? I’VE CONFORMED?? Do you know what I do? What I teach 8 year old girls to do while wearing roller skates?”
“Yeah I know, I know, youre a tough chick.”
“No. You know what I am? Do you have any idea what you have sitting beside you?”
“No, what?”
“I’m the real deal. The genuine article.”
After I said this he pauses, looks down, chuckles, turns to face me, puts his finger in my face and say, “Then shut the fuck up right now.”

Breathe Kelly breathe. Don’t get arrested for hitting this fool. I think it’s time to leave. Yep get up and go.Then this little voice in the back of my head says, “Wait for the Dragon Roll.”

Yeah that’s what I’ll do, wait for the Dragon Roll and when it gets here I’ll just pick it up and walk out the door. So I finished my second glass of sake and waited while he raved. Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore I looked and him and asked, “Who hurt you?”

This stopped him cold. After some time he replied, “Who hasn’t hurt me?”
“Everybody gets hurt, you have to let it go.”
“Not when it keeps happening. Look how much I’ve spent on you today. The torro, sake, your taps at Island’s.”
“Yes but I never asked for that. This was all your idea.”
“Well you sure took advantage.”
“Until now we were having fun.” GOD! Where is that Dragon Roll?
“What,” he says “you aren’t having fun?”
“Not really.”
“You’re just like everyone else, every other bitch that takes my money. That’s all you see,huh?”

He continued on, but I’d had it. No wonder this fool was 40+ and still single. Very simply I turned, hooked my fingers under my bags and said,” I’m sorry someone hurt you.”

Then in one slick motion I stood up, threw the bags over my shoulders, pushed my chair in and walked out the door.

Never once did I look back. The hostess smiled at me and said goodnight, I did the same.

I was right the bike right home was a wobbly one. As soon as I got home, I flopped on the couch and began telling Lauren my story. Halfway through she lit a joint and we laughed. Then somehow after a trip to the toilet I ended up on the floor, right back where I began.

Photo Credit: Neha Viswanathan

I’ve been telling people for years that the London theater scene is better than ours, and apparently Ken Davenport over at “Producer’s Perspective” agrees with me. Go here to see his full list, but here are three of my faves from his list:

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7.  YOU CAN BUY ADVANCE DISCOUNT TICKETS AT TKTS.

I would add to this list that London audiences skew way younger, and cheap tickets are much easier to come by. While I was over there the first time, I was able to see, Rent, Noises Off (way better in British, btw), and a Noel Coward play starring Alan Rickman for under $100. I wish theater over here was anywhere near as accessible to general audiences.

Still, this won’t stop me from catching a show or two when I travel to NYC in September to meet up with my agent and editor. Any suggestions about what I should see?  Sadly, breastfeeding pretty much rules out the Fierce and Nerdy endorsed and booze-heavy Rock of Ages.

So keldoo from “Fierce in Seattle” guessed that yesterday’s lyric was from “Fox on the Run.” But she didn’t know the band’s name: Sweet. That means we split the point and we’re still tied. I’ll take that, since today I’ll probably pull ahead b/c we’re meeting up with your good ole nemesis, Black Artist Thursday.

I totally want to be cool and say that this next song is cheesy, but I love it so much, that would feel a little like Peter denying Jesus. So I’ll just ask which short-haired singer sang…

Sweet, sweet and lovely baby
Stay right here, never fear
I will be all that you need
Never leave, ’cause baby, I believe

Guesses in the comments and Sweet after the jump. Seriously, video really did kill the radio star.