CollegeHumor: Recent Articles

If the Internet had Police

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 16:00:00 -0400

Written 2009-07-10 16:00:00 by Jason Michaels from

Set List of a Concert by The Darkness, as heard through your friend Gary's cell phone

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400

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	Written 2009-07-10 15:00:00 by Alex Schmidt from likes so far. Be the first!

Pop Culture CliffsNotes: July 10

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 14:00:00 -0400

Intros are lame. Let's do this! This week, Hayden Panettiere admitted that the Italian tattoo on her back is spelled wrong. See Mom? Celebrities get drunk and get tattoos at the Jersey shore too. (Celebslam) Megan Fox had the audacity this week to call Transformers 2 'not a movie about acting.' Michael Bay shot back, saying 'nobody...knew about Megan until I...put her in Transformers'. Then they both went home and cried themselves to sleep on huge piles of money. (IDLYITW) Mary Louise Parker did a photoshoot for Esquire this week, and oh how embarrassing, she forgot to wear PANTIES! She is going to FLIP OUT, you guys. What a career killer!!! (Popoholic) Julianne Moore hit the beach this week, presumably to refresh her supply of fresh human blood. (WWTDD) This week, Kelly Osbourne called Lady Gaga a 'butterface,' marking the beginning of what I can only assume will be a battle of wits like this world has never seen. (Celebslam) A female scientist named Jennifer Sunday filed a lawsuit against Lindsay Lohan this week, claiming that the starlet stole Sunday's tanning formula to create her line of tanners. Unrelated, Lohan's entire Netflix queue is 'The Saint'. (IDLYITW) Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-10 14:00:00 by Sarah Schneider from likes so far. Be the first!

Michael Showalter

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400

Those that have seen Wet Hot American Summer need no intro to this interviewee, who both wrote and starred in the decade-old cult favorite. Michael Showalter is also a founding member of sketch groups Stella and The State, the latter of which is now amazingly available on DVD after much network nagging from persistent fans. You'd also recognize him from his recent comedy album Sandwiches & Cats as well as his very own original online series on this site. Showalter, whose comedic style is as soft-spoken as it is dry, pairs up with sidekick Michael Ian Black in the new series Michael and Michael Have Issues. I recently talked to him about his new show (which airs Wednesday), what he doesn't like about his job, and his cats. You've been doing a lot of press for this new Comedy Central show. Is this the worst part of your job? No. My least favorite parts are: 1. Scouting locations; 2. Having microphones put on my body; 3. Photo shoots (I guess that kind of counts as press.) What is the worst question you have been asked so far? Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-10 13:00:00 by Jake Klocksien from likes so far. Be the first!

Restaurant Origins: Chuck E. Cheese

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 18:00:00 -0400

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	Written 2009-07-09 18:00:00 by Kevin Corrigan from likes so far. Be the first!

The making of Strawberried Peanut Butter M&Ms

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400

Red: Green,we have to talk. I think I'm...strawberried. Green: But, I don't understand. You're chocolate. R: I know I'm chocolate, I've just been having all these feelings. These...sweet, fruity feelings. G: It's just a promotion, Red. It's confusing, I know-remember when you went dark chocolate for Star Wars? It'll pass. R: This isn't like dark chocolate. Don't you see? I've never been meant for chocolate. G: What's really wrong here...am I not good enough for you? Sure I could lose a little milkfat, but I've been using propyl gallate to maintain freshness! R: It's not you sweetheart, it's just who I am. And it took Yipes to show me that. G: The Fruit Stripe zebra? How could you! And after I let you melt in my- Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-09 17:00:00 by Jesse E from likes so far. Be the first!

Dating, It's Complicated: Issue #8

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:00:00 -0400

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me at dating.itscomplicated[at]gmail.com!

It was eighth grade and I had never been kissed and me and some friends were hanging out and all encouraging me to kiss my crush. So finally I told myself the next time someone tells me to kiss him I'll do it. Turns out my crush was the first one to mention it because he said "kiss me", so I went in and kissed him. As soon as our lips parted he said "No I said, "Casey", Casey was out friend sitting across from us.
-Sara, UCDavis

My now ex-gf canceled on a double date a 1/2 hour before we were supposed to go out. I had to call my friend as he was already on his way over to my house and tell him he was on his own for dinner now. Then she broke up with me that night saying she wasn't ready for a relationship. She called me the next day and asked me to buy her booze.
-BMB

I never appreciated the song centerfold until i stumbled across a picture of my ex-girlfriend naked on the internet.
-Brett Y.

A girl once called me 82 times in one night. You think she would have figured it out once I didn't pick up the first time. We weren't dating.
-Bill, Bowling Green

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Written 2009-07-09 16:00:00 by Jason Michaels from

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Guy Limits 2

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400

After much controversy over my previous article, Guy Limits, I have decided to fuel the fire with 9 more things guys should no longer do at certain ages. If you don't agree with these, well, you're probably "that guy". "That is Enough Bro" 15 years old- A guy may no longer wear a mask or makeup for Halloween. If it's worth anything, you're creeping out everyone at the party. 16 years old- Two non-related men may no longer share a bed. Pillow barricades and "under the covers, over the covers" - still makes it unacceptable. 17 years old- A man may no longer reply to another mans text with a smiley/frown face, "OMG" or "LOL". Adding an exclamation point to either of these doubles the inappropriateness. 18 years old- A man may no longer apply sun tan lotion to another mans back. If spray sunscreen is available, lotion should never even be considered. Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-09 15:00:00 by Kevin likes so far. Be the first!

The Future of Gaming

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400

I thought video games were met for lazy bastards.. but this is too much.

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Written 2009-07-09 13:00:00 by Daniel

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Surviving a Bear Attack

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400

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Written 2009-07-08 17:00:00 by Pete from

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Parents Just Don't Understand: 7/8

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:00:00 -0400

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?" If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here! And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are! Your parents' Contra. My mom asked me to help her check her voicemail because she kept getting the message saying the mailbox was full. I showed her how to press "1" and put in her password and then we listened to the messages: two were from my dad. The third was from my mom herself saying "Oh hey, it's just me checking my messages..." Jessica Montgomery, University of Alberta My professor's Facebook status this morning was: "what exactly is a 'poke?' before i do it to anybody, i need to know what happens... thx" Katherine Grandstrand I just saw an old guy working out with a discman inside a fanny pack. Kevin Elliott, Creighton Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-08 16:00:00 by Susanna Wolff from likes so far. Be the first!

Dishwasher Manual

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400

Have you ever read an instructional pamphlet for an appliance? If so, read on.

DISHWASHER MANUAL

(Made in Japan)

Easy Doings:

1. Take into the piece six of the large. You to pull the find piece five.

�. Piece ate go untoo small in piece. Two rack for dishwasher. Very nice rack!!!

3. Follow other bigger seven line as follow. You mays be full of care!!

4. All attatch piece fife with find flap. Makes squeaksies cleans.

5. Close open to put large piece for. Victory almost had.

6. Ilemonate other the top piece tree with watch on.

7. Rpeat. Poopf! Good fortune dishwattsher!!!!!

Yay! You done done!

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Written 2009-07-08 15:00:00 by Maggie

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Eulogy for MySpace

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400

We are gathered here together to mourn the loss of our dear friend and family member, MySpace. MySpace is survived by her beloved husband Tom, and their 143, 286 million children. It is good to see so many of MySpace's children here today. Goth Girl, Hip Hop Artist, Guy in Sun Glasses and a Popped Collar, Two Girls Making Out, and Guy With No Shirt. Thank you for coming. I first met MySpace five years ago through a friend. She was great. We listened to music, we read to each other, and we passed the time when I was supposed to be doing actual work. She helped me catch up with old friends, and meet new, sluttier friends. Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-08 13:00:00 by Steve Hofstetter from likes so far. Be the first!

Size of Your Sunglasses

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0400

Age Perceived beauty Actual beauty Chances you're hiding a black eye How much of an a**hole you are Chances your name is Bozo View Article

	Written 2009-07-08 12:00:00 by CH Staff likes so far. Be the first!

Magical Education 2.0

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:00:00 -0400

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Written 2009-07-07 18:00:00 by Andrew B. from

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Notes Of The First People Who Ever Took Drugs

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400

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	Written 2009-07-07 17:00:00 by Alex Schmidt from likes so far. Be the first!

Issue One Hundred and Sixteen

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:00:00 -0400

This will be on the test. Urinals are just God's way of telling us our khakis didn't have enough pee on them. -Willie O I locked up my bicycle and someone stole my front tire and my seat. I'm on the lookout for anyone riding a unicycle. -Shawn Pearlman I taught my dog to sit, lay down, roll over and bark -- all at random times of his choosing. -Chris Robinson The Hardest Question To Answer, For Two Reasons Colorblind Toddler: Mommy, why is the sky green? -Sarah Schneider Is it still called jock itch if it developed from the ball sweat during my 5-hour chess game? -Joe Boreman I buy oregano from drug dealers in the hopes that they accidentally give me weed. -Mesh D I like to hit on older women with lots of tattoos. If I can't find any, I'll just have a few drinks and settle for varicose veins. -Adam Newman Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-07 16:00:00 by 105%-O-Matic from likes so far. Be the first!

3 Ninjas All Grown Up

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400

The brothers, now in their thirties, meet inside of a hospital upon hearing of Grandpa Mori Tanaka's death. Rocky: I got here as fast as I could, what happened? Tum-Tum: Well, this morning one of Grandpa's neighbors reported seeing him climb the old oak tree in his ninja costume. They said he had been up there all day, until he heard a truck coming ... Colt: A truck full of ninjas? Tum-Tum: No Colt, it was actually UPS. Let me continue. As the truck drove up the driveway, Grandpa began throwing ninja stars at the driver and ... Rocky: Are they sure it wasn't a truck full of ninjas disguised as UPS? Tum-Tum: Yes Rocky,they are sure it was UPS. Anyways, after he dropped a smoke bomb, he then proceeded to do a back flip from the tree onto the top of the UPS truck. At which point, doctors say he was dead on impact. Colt: I don't know if I buy that, something doesn't add up. A good ninja never attacks civilians. Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-07 15:00:00 by Kevin likes so far. Be the first!

The Sixth Sense and Sensibility

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400

One Month Ago...

Dr. Malcolm Crowe: So, Anna, how was yoga?

Silence.

Dr. Malcolm Crowe: Okay...are you still mad at me for getting shot in the gut last month? The silent treatment is really getting old. I don't know how many times you want me to apologize for being shot by a mentally-unbalanced former patient. It's not like I asked for him to shoot me and have me bleed all over your new bed sheets. Was it because of the bed sheets?

Silence.

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Written 2009-07-07 13:00:00 by Andrew B. from

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Cyanide and Happiness

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0400

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	Written 2009-07-07 12:00:00 by Cyanide & Happiness likes so far. Be the first!

CollegeHumor: Recent Articles

If the Internet had Police

Set List of a Concert by The Darkness, as heard through your friend Gary's cell phone

Pop Culture CliffsNotes: July 10

Michael Showalter

Restaurant Origins: Chuck E. Cheese

The making of Strawberried Peanut Butter M&Ms

Dating, It's Complicated: Issue #8

Guy Limits 2

The Future of Gaming

Surviving a Bear Attack

Parents Just Don't Understand: 7/8

Dishwasher Manual

Eulogy for MySpace

Size of Your Sunglasses

Magical Education 2.0

Notes Of The First People Who Ever Took Drugs

Issue One Hundred and Sixteen

This will be on the test.

The Hardest Question To Answer, For Two Reasons

3 Ninjas All Grown Up

The Sixth Sense and Sensibility

Cyanide and Happiness