I’m sure there are many of us who can related to this picture.

Funny or Die continues to get the best access to people in the news with their latest effort coming from Jon Gosselin.

The video is surprisingly short, but it has its moment, including Jon’s user name of JonMinus9.

A construction crew contracted to do a survey of the condition of water and sewer infrastructure in Raleigh, North Carolina, filmed a mysterious slimy pulsating mass on the inside of old pipes with a sewer cam.

The video footage of the phenomenon was uploaded to Youtube (see the video embed below) on June 30 and has since gotten nearly 5 million views at the time of writing, with some people speculating that the globs could be an alien life form growing in the sewer systems.

Ed Buchan, the environmental coordinator at the Raleigh Public Utilities Department squelched the rumors that the video was of a new life form, saying that it was actually a colony of worms that live in sac-like blobs attached to tree roots that grow in and around the older pipes. The sacs of worms are extremely light sensitive and move in response to the brightness and heat from the camera lights.

Even though the worms are not alien in the sense that they are actually from this planet, they are still a disturbing sight for anyone who has never seen something like this before, except maybe in a horror movie.

Video of Alien Worms inside a Sewer Pipe

Ha, ha!

As some really boring guy video blogs from the mall about something I can’t even hear, some douche in a beanie unleashes every lame trick in his arsenal of fail to interrupt the poor dude. Unintentionally though, he only makes us laugh when he falls back down a flight of mall stairs on his stupid face.

The dork in the blue fleece gets extra points for only being concerned with further interruptions to his lame-ass speech. Win.

[Via: Fark]

I’ve just seen a cat that wouldn’t be welcomed to Caturday. Let me share that footage with you

A young British man was rushed to the hospital Tuesday morning in Stevenage, Hertfordshire, after being stupid enough to try to circumcise his own dangle with a pair of nail clippers.

Regarding the so-close-yet-so-far to a Darwin Award act, Dr. Obvious told the UK Telegraph:

“This is something we would advise men never to attempt. The results can be quite horrific and long-lasting and have quite an affect on a man’s sexual performance. Using a pair of nail clippers must have caused excruciating pain, even if he had had a few drinks beforehand.”

ORLY? I neither have a penis nor attended any kind of medical training and I could tell you that much. As for why the man attempted to give his soldier a haircut in a country that does it for free, the article was sadly mum.

Okay, attempting your own circumcision is ridiculously retarded. But didn’t he at least have an x-acto knife in his arsenal of idiocy? Could anything to hand have possibly been less effective? Perhaps a nail file…

Meet Crystal Defanti, a Northern California school teacher who shared her home life in a very special way with her students.

It all started well for Crystal Defanti, who had intended to make a DVD filled with school memories from the past year to give to her students. The DVD itself began innocently enough with shots of the school and the students, but then out of the blue it suddenly cut to footage of Crystal Defanti having sex. To be precise, exactly 6 seconds of hard core home porn.

Thankfully Crystal Defanti didn’t find out about her mistake via the press, and quickly phoned parents crying and apologizing profusely and asking that they destroy the tape.

Strangely though for a case like this, Crystal Defanti may walk free. Police have made no charges, and although the local school board may punish her, they accept that it was a mistake and she’ll keep her job.

Cleavagefield as the name suggests is a porn pisstake on the movie Cloverfield, and it’s possibly the worst pisstake ever made.

According to the synopsis, “A bunch of hot chicks are having a slumber party for their friend Tiffany, who’s off to Sweden to make a high end Triple X movie. The festivities are in high gear but then a giant monster inexplicably invades Los Angeles. One girl videos everything as the babes make a run for it through the city. But there are more things to beware of beside the monster. According to some naked hotties seen in an alley way, the monster is covered with moth-mites that drop off its slimy body then attack unwary female victims, chewing off their clothes. It’s a harrowing night for all involved.”

The safe for work Cleavagefield trailer as follows:

Judge Alex Kozinski of the San Francisco based 9th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals was admonished by a judicial council Thursday for having sexually explicit photos and videos stored on his personal Website.

The judge of one of the highest courts in the U.S. said he collected the photos and videos without really looking at them, saying many of them were emailed to him by friends and family. The explicit material was stored in a subdirectory on his site named /stuff and Kozinski says he thought he had blocked access to that part of the site.

Kozinski previously apoligized to the investigative panel for his “unfortunate carelessness.”

“I have caused embarrassment to the federal judiciary and thus whatever shame was cast on me personally, it reflected on my colleagues and our system of justice as well.

A 42 year old pastor was tasered by cops who were giving a traffic ticket to a man in his church parking lot in Webster, Texas.

There are two very different sides to the story. From the pastor’s son’s point of view, his father, Jose Moran, came out of the church and asked officers if there was anything he could do to help. He says the officer then began yelling and the pastor returned to the church building. The officer then went and tried to kick in the door of the church. When the pastor opened the door, a second officer tasered him.

Police have a very different account of the story: They say they had a car stopped in the church parking lot and were ticketing the driver when the pastor approached and started yelling at the officers. One officer told the pastor he was under arrest. He then stormed off back into the church and emerged with dozens of members of the congregation who surrounded the officers. One officer used pepper spray to disperse the crowd and the pastor pushed the second officer who then tasered him.

Sadly, there is no video of the incident uploaded to youtube for the police to use as evidence, so it’ll have to be hashed out in court.

Wow I’m almost losing my lunch just looking at some of these pictures from Sears Tower in Chicago and its newly opened Skydeck Chicago. The Skydeck is glass balconies that are suspended 1,353 feet in the air and jut out 4 feet from the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower.

via Yahoo! News

A Japanese spacecraft has detected Uranium on the moon.

The Japanese Kaguya spacecraft detected uranium with a gamma-ray spectrometer as part of a projet to map the moon’s surface composition. The finding in theory could mean that nuclear power plants could be built on the moon, or the moon could become an open cut mine.

“We’ve already gotten uranium results, which have never been reported before,” said Robert Reedy, a senior scientist at the Tucson-based Planetary Science Institute told Florida media. “We’re getting more new elements and refining and confirming results found on the old maps.”

Since some creationists don’t believe the moon is lit by the sun, maybe the uranium can now be used to explain it

Uhm, this is some seriously whacked shit man. Seriously. Here we have a story of a robot geisha who fights ninjas, disabled people in wheelchairs, robot geishas, and robot geisha ninjas. Using weapons like swords protruding from places on the body that they have no place protruding to machinegun busts RoboGeisha lays waste to everything and everyone around her.

All I can say in the end is to watch it for yourself and you too will go WTF!

hat tip (I think) to Ectoplasmosis

A Warren, Ohio detective interviewing a woman in a murder investigation recently experienced the WTF moment of his career when a baby squirrel emerged from between the interviewee’s breasts.

Detective Warren Mackey said he was stunned when he was questioning a woman at a Ohio police station and a squirrel emerged from between her large breasts. The woman matter of factly reached up and replaced the squirrel to it’s fleshy resting place as if it was just a normal everyday thing for her.

The detective says that he was surprised but went on interviewing the woman as if nothing had happened and didn’t ask her about her furry friend.

The unusual incident was caught on closed circuit TV cameras at the police station. Here’s a video, in case you think we’re making this up:

A Florida toddler was killed this morning when she was strangled by the family’s pet python.

The deadly accident occurred in Oxford, about 50 miles NW of Orlando, at around 9:30 am. Details surrounding the incident are scarce, but Lt. Steve Binegar of the Sumter County Sheriff’s Office confirmed the incident to the press. He refused to answer further questions regarding the tragic death of the two-year-old girl.

Although pythons are not native to Florida, they have increasingly been spotted in the wild in recent years. Burmese pythons are particularly popular, and oftentimes pet owners will release the snakes into areas such as the Everglades when they become too large to manage at home or lose their novelty. They are known to be an invasive species in Florida and have reproduced prolifically after their artificial introduction to the area.

Burmese pythons can weigh up to 150 lbs and measure more than 15 feet in length. The animals are known to use constriction as a means of catching and killing prey, including humans.

This does not appear to be a parody.

You’ve seen the memes. The orange skin. The quadruple popped collars on demotivational posters. And having been born and raised on Long Island, I can exclusively confirm they exist.

Witness below, the guido in its natural habitat. Guido Beach (for realz) down the shore in New Jersey. In this fascinating six minute clip, you will gain insight into their plans to “breed” more bouncers and the females of the species sparring over a male. Some NSFW language.

Thriller! Thriller Dog! At least we need a good tribute to Michael Jackson, and what better way than a moon walking dog.

The head of a Sri Lankan firm that produces Insect repellent has been threatened with jail time for breading mosquitoes on their premises.

A Sri Lankan court fined the superintendent of the company 1,500 rupees ($13) and imposed a suspended sentence of six months hard labor for failing to destroy mosquito breeding areas on company premises to stop the spread of dengue fever, according to Reuters.

In Sri Lanka, the Government has cracked down on Mosquito breading areas, and has decreed that land owners must destroy, or eradicate breeding colonies and breeding areas.

The life of a reporter who does live crosses can sometimes be a difficult one. There’s always the chance that hecklers will magically appear behind you, or in front of you trying to interrupt your report.

Having said that, seasoned reporters usually know how to handle the situation because it happens regularly, but what if you’re not a seasoned reporter?

Steve Ryan for ABC 13 in Las Vegas was doing a live cross from the Vegas strip on Michael Jackson’s death when a drunk heckler decided that he’d like to be on television as well. Ryan tried repeatedly to move away from the heckler until finally he’d had enough…and hit the guy on live television.

The classic moment in television as follows. Watch for the look on the news teams face after they cut the feed for added value.

Stephen Colbert declared to the nation that Jeff Goldblum was dead Monday night, and he even had the dead Jeff Goldblum there to prove it.

Notable is Colbert’s inclusion of footage from the Australian Today Show, where Richard Wilkins not only reports on the story, but actually goes as far as saying New Zealand police have confirmed the story as well…even though they hadn’t. Pwnd