Hit the Spoof Problem Page

I want to get a nose job to please my man - 0 replies

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:51:39 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My friend Amy bought wore a dress that her boyfriend chose for her and it looked beautiful. He said she looks lovely in yellow.

My boyfriend said something similar - he said I'd look lovely with a nose job. I really want to keep the romance going so can you tell me where I can get a new nose?

from Angel (21), Berkshire, UK

I just can't seem to find a good man - 0 replies

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:47:10 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Two years ago I had to dump my boyfriend because he was too meterosexual for my liking - he remembered birthdays, cooked me dinner and all that stuff you can do without.

After that it's been one disaster after another: a guy who took so long making himself look and smell nice that I could never get in the bathroom, a guy who spent an unhealthy amount of time getting to know my friends, and then finally, a man who was so good in bed that I realised he must have been getting practice elsewhere.

Where have all the good men gone?

from Abigail (25), Ambleside, Cumbria

How to avoid falling for boyfriend's mates - 0 replies

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:32:09 GMT

Dear Aunties,

How many of a boy's friends should you check out before settling for him? I have, in the past, found myself sexually involved with a cute boy, only to later find out that his friend is hotter. When I hop from one boy to his best mate, it tends to cause a bit of friction and I'd prefer an easy life.

However, I obviously can't vet every friend of a potential boyfriend before sleeping with him, or I'd never get any action.

What is the magic number?

from Jane (17), Diss, Norfolk

How to stop customers leaving Vodafone - 0 replies

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:22:57 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm a Vodafone salesman paid on commission. I get a bonus of £5 for every contract that I sell or existing customer that I convince to renew. This means that consumers who leave Vodafone burn a hole in my pocket.

What is acceptable practice when trying to convince a person to stay with a particular phone network? Is five calls a day enough, do you think?

from Marcus (18), Bracknell, UK

How can I regain popularity after allegations? - 0 replies

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:18:07 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm a social outcast, a suspected paedophile, a freak. What can I do to make people forget all my bad publicity and regard me as the hero that I am?

from Bobbin (56), Taunton, UK

How long before I get over my first love? - 0 replies

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:00:31 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I went out with my first boyfriend for six months and three days. It has been four months since he ended it. I have kissed two boys since then, once each.

How long will it be before I get over my ex?

from Chloe (16), Taunton, UK
---
Anonymous comments...

I would say...since you.ve kissed 2 boys since the breakup......you're over it!

How to succeed as a singer - 1 reply

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 20:25:14 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm a pretty awesome singer, even if I do say so myself. What do I need to do to stand out from the crowd and me a global sensation?

from Moll (47), Cardiff, UK
---

Dear Moll,

This week the fashion is to be surprising. Break the mould by following in the footsteps of Susan Boyle. Look like the last person you'd ever expect to be a star and success will follow.

from Vatasha Rupert

Guilt over nanna's death - 1 reply

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 19:50:16 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My nanna had a stroke and went into hospital we went to see her every day for a week apart from me i went for 5 days and on the fith day my mum asked if i wanted to hold my nannas hand and i said no because i was tierd and then i didnt go for 2 days after that because i hated seeing her like that. I think she thought i didnt love her and that night she pulled her feed out so i didnt hink she wanted to live any longer. the next night she died so the last time i saw her i didnt even hold her hand =[ i feel realy bad now and ive even started praying to her and i think im going crazy .... what should i do ...... ?

from confused (12)
---

Dear confused,

I am certain that your nanna knows that you love her and that her death was in no way your fault.

However it's time we address the far more pressing problem, and I'm going to be easy on you here because you're 12. This is a spoof problem page. The operative word being "spoof." That means that this site is not one of the many genuine problem pages out there, to which your letter would have been better directed.

A more vast vocabulary will not bring your grandmother back, but it might save you anguish if you continue to feed dead relatives to the agony aunt sector.

from Mrs Ginger

My best mate's cyber boyfriend wants me! - 1 reply

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:26:52 GMT

Dear Aunties,

my best friend has a boyfriend shes never met she just speeks to him on msn shes seen him on webcam lots and i speek to him to and i fancy him now and he fancys me he wants to dump my best friend and he sed we should go out with each other just not tell her but i feel bad and if she fount out she wud kill me and never speek to me ever again what should i do ??

please help me :(

from confused
---

Dear confused,

How in the world did you manage to woo a man using your online communication skills alone? You've used as many punctuations marks in the smiley you conclude with as the rest of the letter and there is not a capital letter in sight.

Still, every woman reaches a crossroads where she has to choose between her best friend and a man she's never met. It is one of the hardest decisions known to womankind.

Hope this helps.

from Mrs Ginger

---
confused comments...

Thank you for helping me and i have thought about it alot and decided to tell him that i dont want to go out with him and for him to leave me alone . Do you think thins is the right thing to do ??

Not a load of bollocks - 1 reply

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 21:09:49 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I had one of my bollocks removed in 1999 and I haven't found the courage to tell my wife yet because I think she will leave me.

My bollocks always seemed to be her favourite part of my body. They had a name ('The Dicky Birds') and my penis didn't.

I'm worried that she'll leave me when I tell her about Paul. Will Peter be enough for her?

from John (42), North-West Lower Crockin
---

Dear John,

You clearly have issues to do with rejection. The thing to remember is that a bollock leaving you does not necasserily mean that others will follow.

Choose a name for your penis and respect for it will follow. May I suggest "The Wolf" as in "Peter and The Wolf" or "Jayne" as an alternative spelling for your favourite agony aunt.

from Jayne Fott

Hubby won't make love anymore - 1 reply

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 21:03:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My husband hasn't had sex with me since 1999. I still love him but I feel so rejected and he won't open up to me about the problem so I am thinking of leaving him.

I simply don't understand it. We had such a good sex life until he went on holiday nine years ago and when he came back he wouldn't even so much as let me see him naked.

Since then I've tried cooking him oysters, making the house smell of ylang ylang and even serenading him with his favourite little nursery rhyme:

"Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,

One named Peter, one named Paul.

Fly away Peter, fly away Paul,

Come back Peter, come back Paul!"

I'm worried that he has self-confidence issues so I keep telling him how much I like his body and reminding him of all the fun we used to have teabagging, but the gaping hole between us just seems to get bigger.

Why is he shutting me out like this? Will he ever make love to me again? Should I leave him?

from Peg (40), North-West Lower Crockin
---

Dear Peg,

You may find this letter somewhat enlightening, you callous, unobservant cow.

from Jayne Fott

Unwanted drainage - 1 reply

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:59:39 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Although nearing my late 20s, I still find I wake up with a 'wet' dream occasionally. Whilst a short moment of untainted bliss, this can still take it out of one somewhat. Particularly inconveniently this can sometimes occur when a big day at work is looming the following day (when daytime sprightliness is an important consideration). Unlike normal sex, choosing to avoid the activity is not an option as one cannot predict when the next one will be coming (so to speak).

a) Is this healthy/normal for a man of my age?

b) What can be done to prevent this (that doesn't involve the sexual equivalent of cloud seeding. nor rubber bands)?

Thanks all

from TonightsTheNight (28), Wetlands
---

Dear TonightsTheNight,

The trick is to have Margaret Thatcher's face tattooed on the inside of one eyelid and Sarah Palin's on the other. Once this is done, you will be too scared to have any impure thoughts whatsoever.

from Mrs Ginger

The Big Question - 1 reply

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:52:22 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Is there a God?

from Beelzebub, Hell
---

Dear Beelzebub,

Last night I saw a blonde with 34DDs. There IS a God.

from Brad the Lad

Serial Killer Art - 1 reply

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:51:09 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've been asked to create a collection of sculptures and portraits to promote the 2012 Olympics. The promoters asked me to "Really sell Britain."

So far my statue of Rosemary West made from broken patio slabs is looking lovely, but I don't have enough used condoms to complete my giant Peter Sutcliffe collage.

Do you think it will matter if I fill one or two prophylactics with flour and water?

from Harv, London
---

Dear Harv,

Nobody will buy Britain, whatever you put in your condoms.

from Mrs Ginger

Persecuted for being old - 1 reply

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:47:50 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm a poor, elderly old dear who's being put through an ordeal most unpleasant during this delicate, valuable phase of my life. This trauma may well be the death of me.

A most obstinate young man is punishing me for racial discrimination when all I did was refuse him a job as my gardener, and then call him a paki and tell him to work in a newsagents. Then I bashed him over the head with a shovel screaming "Die scum, die!" Before finally reversing my car over his feet.

Now he's pressing charges for racial discrimination and actual bodily harm. The stress of the impending court case could be too much for my frail heart.

Why is this young man trying to hurt me? Doesn't he understand that I'm from a vulnerable demographic? Why should I suffer accusations that I am a racist just because he has a chip on his shoulder about being brown? If I can't decide who mows my lawn then what control do I have over this crazy world? Do you think I should sue him for being ageist?

from Gail (71), England
---

Dear Gail,

Believing that black men make good gardeners could be construed as thinking black people should still be kept as slaves. You did well to cover your back there, otherwise you really would have looked racist.

from Mrs Ginger

---
Psindy comments...

Please note: Model's breasts have been digitally sagged.

Addicted to stupid website - 1 reply

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:38:50 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm addicted to this website. It's full of colourful stories that you never know whether to take seriously or not, its contributors are off the wall, and the opinions expressed range from mildly amusing to totally outrageous. Obviously I'm talking about dailymail.co.uk. How can I cure my addiction?

from Amanda (23), Middlesex, UK
---

Dear Amanda,

May I suggest broadening your horizons with something less smutty and less fictional, for example www.literotica.com

Failing that, I've heard that there are some pretty good spoof problem pages out there, I can't think of any off hand...

from Mrs Ginger

Marital Squabbles - Will he come back to me? - 1 reply

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:33:11 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My husband left me for my sister and when that didn't work out he apparently tried to strangle her with a string of sausages. He also tried to kidnap our son and gambled away our life savings, so it's been a tough few months. Will he come back to me now?

from Lynn (42), Edinburgh
---

Dear Lynn,

It seems to me that your husband is a drama magnet. Therefore cloak yourself in the scent of drama. Stage a suicide attempt, steal a baby and set fire to your house.

from Jayne Fott

Did best friend spill my cucumber love secret? - 0 replies

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:25:47 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Last weekend I told my best friend a secret. I told her that I once used a cucumber to see what sex is like with a boy.

However when I got to school on Monday morning all of the girls in my tutor group were eating cucumbers and sniggering. At break time a boy asked me if I wanted to practice on something less green and at lunch time another boy asked if I kept the shrink-wrap on or went bareback.

Do you think there's any chance that my best friend can't be trusted?

from Keira (15), Somerset, UK

I found out he was a killer and shagged him anyway - 2 replies

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:19:35 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I met a man at a club and as we were leaving, an old guy tried to grab my arse and so my man thumped him in the gob. I was so turned on by his readiness to protect me that I went back with him.

As I undressed him I said "Nice body!" and he thought I was referring to the corpse he'd hidden in his closet, and so he brought it out to show me, with pride!

Admittedly that is the point where I should have gone home, but I was impressed by his openness and a little turned on by the bad guy factor. So I stayed.

The next day I realised with horror, that my failure to leave when the corpse came out, may have given him the idea that murdering people is OK. Is there a perfect text that will let him know that killing is wrong, without jeopardising my chances of a second date?

from Rachel (19), Birmingham, UK
---

Dear Rachel,

Do not worry Rachel. Sleeping with a killer does make you a bad person but there are ways to regain some moral standing. For example, why don't you shag a copper or even a vicar?

from Jayne Fott

---

Dear Rachel,

I've suggested this to others before, but it works here too: get yourself on a talk show. That's what we'd do in the States. It'll get you a book or a movie deal, as well as lots of advice for what you should do about your predicament.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Will hubbie die if I don't pluck hairline? - 0 replies

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:14:51 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have a widow's peak - i.e. a sharp point of hair in the centre of my forehead. I love my hubbie John. If I pluck my forehead will he live for longer?

from Rebecca (86), Glasgow, UK

Can I sell my leg hair? - 0 replies

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 18:26:45 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've heard that you can sell human hair to be made into wigs. My sister made £100 from the left over hair when she had a bob cut.

I have always been cursed with rapidly growing body hair and have to shave my legs every day in order to stay smooth for my man. After I'm done the bath looks like someone's murdered a yeti.

Is there any way I can exchange my discarded leg hair for cash?

from Nettie (28), Kent, UK

Girlfriend can be a little aggressive at times - 1 reply

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 18:20:55 GMT

Dear Aunties,

On average, I have a top girlfriend. She's sexy, she's fun, she's clever and she's classy. However there is one small problem with her - she's incredibly violent. She bashes me with frying pans, she stamps on little toddlers and she hits the elderly in the face with a spade. I am happy to let the last one go, as it may be due to Hitchhikers trauma but the other two behaviours are niggling away at me.

Should I demand better from my partner or do I just need to accept that real life is not like the movies and that the death of a few small mammals is just par for the course?

from Martin (21), Reading, UK
---

Dear Martin,

When you say "small mammals" what exactly do you mean? If for example, your girlfriend is killing mice and hamsters, you should be able to live with it but if she's harming kittens or babies, you might have to give the matter some serious thought.

Try using an online quiz such as "How much evil can you stand in a woman" to determine whether or not you're really up to handling a bad girl.

Consider getting counselling to improve your tolerance, or take a self-defence class.

from Jayne Fott

Wife still breastfeeding - 1 reply

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 18:09:56 GMT

Dear Aunties,

It's been three years and my wife is still breastfeeding. I've heard that mothers disagree on what is an appropriate period for nursing, but I fear that my wife's behaviour may put her in the most extreme percentile.

My wife's dependence on her mother's milk has definitely put a strain on our marriage. For a start, my mother-in-law is a dragon. What can I do to wean her off dragon milk and onto Pizza Express and Nandos?

from Bobby (32), Glasgow, UK
---

Dear Bobby,

Let me get one thing straight, you get to witness your woman sucking on another woman's titties on a daily basis, and you have a problem with that?

from Brad the Lad

Should I date known killer? - 0 replies

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 16:59:10 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have accidentally agreed to date a known murderer. The whole town knows that "T" brutally attacked and killed a local school girl, but the police have been unable to prove it.

When "T" asked if I'd like to go for a midnight forest stroll with him, I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his thug friends., and so gave him my number.

Now I am starting to have reservations about the date but I am a girl of my word and don't want to mess anybody around.

What do you think I should do?

from Sarah (23), Surrey, UK

i slept with my boyfriend's best friend - 2 replies

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:03:36 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

i have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. we have a lovely home and i love his soo much. we had a little fall out 1 night and i went to his best friends and slept with him. i regret it so much and things r so akward now. i dont no what to do. if i tell him he will leave me and i couldnt cope.

from confused (18), lancs
---

Dear confused,

If you can't manage to capatilise the word "I" even when it's at the beginning of a sentence, then let's face it, you do not deserve happiness.

Your boyfriend will almost certainly dump you if you come clean about sleeping with his best friend and less face it with grammar like that, you deserve everything you get.

from Mrs Ginger

---

Dear confused,

Don't listen to her confused (18), lancs! Failure to capitalise the letter "i" is very en vogue. Just yesterday Google chose to stop capitalising the word "inbox" in Gmail despite capitalising all the other folders.

This minor but very noticeable change is not at all irritating and in no way triggers anxiety in those with OCD. If fact wHy don'T We aLl StaRt uSinG caPitals RaNdomlY - they clearly do nothing to aid the legibility of a sentence.

from Vatasha Rupert

Wit doesn't win fair boy - 0 replies

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 20:25:44 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Why is it that my ugly male friends pick up girls all of the time by making jokes, yet boys never prioritise a hilarious girl over one with jolly tits?

I am literally the funniest girl in my class. I have the other pupils in stitches everyday. Once the teacher almost wet herself! Yet still, all the cute boys go out with the boring girls with make up and long hair.

from Chloe (15), Truro, UK

Will I be exploited by knowledge terrorists - 0 replies

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:52:40 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've noticed that less buses come after dark. Does that mean that buses cause daylight? Buses run later in cities than in the country. Cities are brighter than the country at night. The evidence for my theory is mounting up.

I am concerned that my vast insight into science could be exploited if I fall into the wrong hands. How can I ensure that I stay incorruptible?

from Max Brainhog (19), Reading, UK

I have four girlfriends - 1 reply

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 16:15:06 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

I have three homes, my mum's, my dad's and university. My girlfriends have all been very understanding about each other, agreeing that I'm too young and mobile to be tied to one woman.

However I have recently started dating a forth woman who I met on holiday. She also lives in the UK and we have plans to keep seeing each other.

I feel as though I'm betraying Anna, Emily and Kate every time I so much as text Holly, but it feels so good. Anna is good at scrabble, Emily makes excellent packed lunches, Kate is half-bilingual and Holly is none of those, so why am I risking what I have with my long term girlfriends?

from Steve (20), Shropshire, UK
---

Dear Steve,

It sounds to me as if you have been traumatised by something in your childhood. You say your parents live separately, so I suspect that they divorced when you were seven and a half, forcing you to choose between them before you were mature enough to make such a decision. This trauma has rendered you incapable of making decisions, hence you cannot decide which of your four girlfriends to let go.

It's time to realise that there was nothing you could do to prevent your father running off with your gym teacher, but there is something you can do about your current romantic situation. Ask yourself which girlfriend most closely resembles your mother - that is the one to chuck. You don't want to be dating somebody who could push their partner into the arms of a primary school teacher with her constant stamp-collecting obsession.

from Jayne Fott

Revirgination surgery - will it put my life back on track? - 1 reply

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 16:08:59 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Virgins can't get chlamydia, right? And you're not a virgin if you're ever has sex. Does that mean that revirgination surgery will cure my STD and eradicate the time I had sex with my boyfriend's father?

from Maria (29), Bradford, UK
---

Dear Maria,

Chlamydia can make you infertile, which could be handy in this case, otherwise you might give birth to your boyfriend's son!

from Brad the Lad

Prank calls - I can see you! - 1 reply

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 16:05:40 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Whenever I answer the phone somebody is on the other end either whispering "I can see you" or breathing heavily. Do you think it could prank callers or is it just one of those credit card automated sales systems?

from Joyce (57), Devon, UK
---

Dear Joyce,

That does sound like a credit card company to me. Barclaycard were recently fined when call centres with automated systems dialed more numbers than staff could deal with, resulting in silent calls.

This is a new variant however, but no more serious, I'm sure. Why not try leaving your doors and windows unlocked, just to be sure?

from Mrs Ginger

Fish give you brains - 1 reply

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 15:56:36 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Whilst under extreme pressure just before my finals, I remembered something my gran used to tell me would increase my brain power, and devoured the entire contents of my girlfriend's tropical fish tank.

I know that sounds gluttonous but I took it one fish at a time - first I guzzled a guppy, then I slurped down some swordtails, next I knocked back a neon tetra before devouring a discus for dessert.

Sure enough, I got a first class honours but the shame of what I sacrificed to get it, is tearing me apart. Added to which my girlfriend still, to this day believes that her fish were killed in a power serge. Should I come clean?

from Roger (22), Tumbridge Wells, UK
---

Dear Roger,

Recent research suggests that omega 3 fatty acids, found in fish, can improve mental functioning. In fact there are many clinical trials taking place at the moment, in which participants are asked to swallow siamese fighting fish and then take a GCSE.

So relax, consumation of tropical fish is quite common place now, whether ethical or not.

from Jayne Fott

Help with murder aftermath - 0 replies

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 15:36:13 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I recently killed my own mother in order to inherit her thousands. My brother found out so I buried him in a cave. I then lost my job because it was my brother holding the family business together.

What yoga positions will help with this?

from Carl (37), Essex, UK

Will marriage prevent spread of HIV? - 0 replies

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 19:45:16 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My partner is HIV positive. If I marry him will it stop me getting AIDS?

from Naive Catholic (17)

I'm not upset about Jade's death! - 1 reply

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 22:05:50 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have not been upset about Jade Goody's death at all. In fact the only way that I've been affected at all has been irritation that the newspapers are so boring at the moment.

Am I am unfeeling robot or am I still in shock?

from Peggy (14), London, UK
---

Dear Peggy,

Death is always sad, but the death of a stupid racist who you didn't know personally is about as sad as, say, dropping a crisp that you were about to eat, or seeing a man trip slightly and then recover his balance.

On the subject of boring newspapers, it's possible that you should try reading a different one. In the last week, Obama has made an unprecedented video appeal to the people of Iran, Fritzl has pleaded guilty to murder, enslavement and four other charges, and inflation has hit zero for the first time in fifty years.

from Professor Tommy

Pottery rival drives me crazy - 1 reply

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 21:02:49 GMT

Dear Aunties,

There's a guy at my pottery class that I absolutely hate. He's arrogant, vulgar and outspoken. I always leave the class feeling furious and wanting to strangle him. He seems to think that all women fancy him.

How do I get someone like that into bed?

from Hannah (26), Surrey, UK
---

Dear Hannah,

The trick is to appear to be his number on fan whilst strategically lowering his self-esteem.

He needs to be worshipped, so show that you're prepared to laugh at all of his jokes and occasionally faint when he comes into the room.

However if his self-esteem stays too high then he may think he's too good for you and just laugh at your pathetic crush. This is why you get your best mate to sleep with him and then tell him he has a tiny cock.

Good luck!

from Jayne Fott

Wife doesn't understand me - 1 reply

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:57:33 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My wife doesn't understand me. In fact, I don't think she cares about me at all.

Two years into our marriage I bought a giraffe and kept it in the garage. This involved taking out a loan to make a hole in its roof.

The following spring I took a course on page 3 modelling but it never came to anything. My wife never supported the venture and had no faith in my topless posing abilities, whatsoever.

Last year I decided to live upside down as a protest against the right way up world and now I walk everywhere on my hands.

Why doesn't my wife support me? We used to be so close but now I feel like we're not even on the same planet, let alone wave length! What can I do about her unreasonable behaviour?

from Ryan (42), Kent, UK
---

Dear Ryan,

Your wife sounds like a nightmare - what better excuse to have an affair?

You probably won't meet someone who shares your interests because let's face it, you are a freak, but it's best to keep mistresses at arms' length anyway, so this sounds like an ideal time to start something up with a secretary or perhaps one of your colleagues from your modelling days.

from Brad the Lad

Recycling disposable pants - 1 reply

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:32:21 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am a beauty therapist and I spend much of my time waxing rich people's fannies. We give the ladies who want a Brazilian wax, temporary paper pants to preserve their dignity while we tear away at their hair. I'd say I get through around four pairs a day.

My boss doesn't believe in recycling and the bin men refused to take the bucket of knickers I managed to smuggle home. But I don't want to belong to a profession that destroys forests! What is the point of women with beautifully smooth do-das, if we are all going to die anyway?

Please help - how can I continue my rage against pubic hair without sending my carbon footprint through the roof?

from Nicki (19), Devon, UK
---

Dear Nicki,

I would be able to take all of those pants off you for a small fee. Will you accept a check?

from Brad the Lad

Help! I'm stuck to an epilator! - 1 reply

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:26:50 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Whilst preparing for a date I got a bit of my labia caught in an epilator. Please can you provide a solution ASAP as it is really starting to chafe.

from Mo (33), Kent, UK
---

Dear Mo,

You shouldn't be epilating. The modern woman is expected to be completely smooth down there and epilators only remove 90% of your pubic hair.

A trapped labia is your punishment for trying to take fashion short cuts. Be thankful you didn't trap the part of you that's most attuned to bringing you sexual pleasure - your boyfriend's cock.

from Vatasha Rupert

Why am I pulling coffee-filled all-nighters? - 0 replies

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:04:17 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I wake up at 7am and work until 11pm. I never see my friends. I drink high-caffeine drinks. I have developed an obsession with tidying, surfing the net and preparing timetables. I look forward to XKCD updates. I have callouses on my finger tips. I am very stressed.

What is your diagnosis? What is the prognosis? Is there a cure?

from Anonymous (23), Oxford, UK

I have too many eyebrows! - 0 replies

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 02:15:19 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've always wanted a sexy monobrow but instead I have two shapely eyebrows. What is the most convincing way to fill in the gap?

from Sabina (19), Reading, UK

I wasn't snowed in! - 0 replies

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 19:59:26 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My colleagues all got days off during the snow. I was not able to claim snowed-in because I live above the shop where I work. Are there any believable lies I can tell to explain an absence due to weather conditions?

from Martin (34), Warwickshire

I don't have enough problems - 0 replies

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 19:56:34 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I was a regular contributor to this column, having experienced many terrible ordeals over the past year. However my life has started to run smoothly recently. I am not used to the absence of problems and without something to fix, I am actually rather bored. What can I do to make life more exciting?

from Anonymous

I'm in love with a sim - 1 reply

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:06:11 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've fallen in love with a sim from the Maxis computer game, The Sims 2.

He is called "Raymond Ridgebuilder" and I created him myself using Body Shop. He's a little over-weight and likes to set fire to his kitchen, but I love him anyway.

I didn't realise I had feelings for him until he had an affair with another sim, Doris Dodgeball. I was so jealous that I had to drown her by commanding her to dive into the swimming pool and then deleting the steps.

I spend hours a day just watching Raymond eat pizza and kick pink flamingo garden ornaments, all the time wishing I could make woohoo with him.

Do you know any cheat codes to bring Raymond out of the game and into my bed?

from Petunia Whistlecunt (37), Westmorland, UK
---

Dear Petunia Whistlecunt,

The problem to me, seems not to be "How do we get Raymond out of the game?" but "How do we get you INTO the game?"

It's been a long time since I've heard from anybody quite as sad as you, and I write for this sorry site.

from Jayne Fott

Beautiful sex with my teacher - 1 reply

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:53:32 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My piano teacher drew me toward his large instrument, pulled down my panties and thrust himself inside me. We made music together and then when it was over we lay on the floor panting, trying to recompose ourselves. As we lay there he ran the tip of his finger along my little toe, past my ankle, brushing the back of his hand against my knee as he inched up toward my thighs. Then in a moment he withdrew his hand and said to me, "I think the johnny's broke luv."

from Melody (17), Hampshire, UK
P.S. He's got a wife and three kids.
---

Dear Melody,

"He's got a wife and three kids."

Could be three and a half by now.

from Brad the Lad

Murderer not granted parole to appear on Big Brother - 1 reply

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:52:38 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I was never a calm child, but when I hit 21 I started having homicidal tendencies and I'd killed three people by the time I was 25. I have been in a secure institution for the criminally insane ever since.

During that time I've seen the most pathetic people make the news headline, whilst my own activities have become of less and less interest to the public. I can't even remember the last time FHM asked me to do a cover shoot.

However, over the last three years I have been approached twice by Judge Judy and once by Big Brother about appearing on their shows. My psychiatrist doesn't think I should be granted parole but I think it is my basic human right to participate in reality TV if I chose.

What can I do to make my dream come true?

from Nettie Vanderwho (32), Broadmore Hospital, UK
---

Dear Nettie Vanderwho,

Fret not, Channel 4 have announced "Big Brother - JAIL." It's going to be based on a cross between Zimbardo (1971) prison study and "Celebrity Big Brother."

Ten notorious villains will be locked in a jail together. The last one standing will be granted release.

If the show is a success then US states may well adopt the show as an alternative to capital punishment.

from Vatasha Rupert

Guilt free cheating #1 - The Hen Party - 1 reply

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:41:48 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've been with my boyfriend for seven years and the sex is crap. I really want to do it with someone else but I don't see myself as the cheating kind.

My best friend got married last month and had guilt free sex with a stranger on her hen night. She said it was amazing and didn't affect the way she felt about her fiance at all.

Should I propose to my boyfriend so that I can have a hen party?

from Tracey (33), Surrey, UK
---

Dear Tracey,

I'm not sure that it's ever appropriate for a girl to cheat, but here are some guilt free ways men can use:

1. The Row

Engineer a fight and cheat that same day, or the next day, or the day after that.

2. The Holiday

Feeling deserted is a good reason to seek comfort elsewhere.

3. The Cure for Impotence

If you can't get it up, or think that you might suffer from erectile dysfunction at some point during your life, it is acceptable to practice sex on a prostitute so as not to risk hurting your birds feelings if your erection fails.

4. Practice

It's OK to practice sex outside of a relationship if it's to learn new tricks to improve your partner's pleasure in bed.

Hope this helps.

from Brad the Lad

I'm too hetero for my leather pants - 2 replies

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:30:24 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am a very straight man and have never had a homosexual feeling in my life. I lift weights and chug pints. I'm so hetero that gay men weep and women faint with anticipation.

Just out of interest, can genital warts be contracted though anal sex between two men?

from Pete (24), Pembrokeshire, Wales
P.S. Help me settle a bet, where can I get free extra strong condoms?
---

Dear Pete,

I see what's going on here! You don't fool me! You are a straight man but are trying to imply that you have a homo side in order to get close to women who will see you as a non-threat. It's a classic trick, just make sure you pick the right time to move in for the kill.

from Brad the Lad

---

Dear Pete,

It's good to see a genuinely straight man take an interest in all areas of safe sex. It shows that you are a sensitive and kind person who's not afraid to tell two homos to keep it safe.

I only hope that a lovely woman picks up on your caring nature and makes you very happy.

This is a really touching letter.

from Jayne Fott

The perils of meticulous dental hygiene - 1 reply

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:23:05 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'th goth thwapped thendal thloth. Thwat thall I thoo?

from Thimon (17), Thailisbury, UK
---

Dear Thimon,

You could get a part as a walrus in local theatre.

from Vatasha Rupert

Consummation Problems - 1 reply

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:20:55 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I can't finish my...

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

...sandwiches?

from Psychic Psindy

Faking own death - Dos and Don'ts - 1 reply

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:19:11 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My wife, Barbara, has got our family into a lot of debt with her gambling addiction. I'm going to fake my own death so that we can get the insurance money. Have you got any tips on how to avoid getting caught?

from Simon (42), Cardiff, UK
---

Dear Simon,

I would advise that you stopped revealing your plans in a public forum however, what's more fashionable that faking your own death? Getting caught faking your own death!

If you can manage to get found out around two years after claiming life insurance money you'll be all over the news! So go somewhere hot, use the opportunity to get a really good tan and lose a few pounds off that beer belly.

If you look a treat when the TV crews come knocking on your door, you'll probably get to host your own reality TV show (when you get out of jail.)

from Vatasha Rupert

I can't find furry cup for pen pal - 1 reply

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:11:26 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Evaporating in a hot summer is a worry of mine. My English pen friend will visit soon and she writes that she is preferring to drink from the furry cup. I cannot get such an item here in my country. Please can you tell me, are English people also drinking from glass?

from Lena (15), My Country
---

Dear Lena,

"Drinking from the furry cup" is an outdated euphemism for lesbian sex, specifically oral. It stems from the dark ages before women started waxing their pubic hair. These days we take hot wax, epilators and taking blades to our labia for granted but just imagine how disgustingly furry our lady bits would have been just twenty years ago! This is why cunnilingus was not invented until the mid 80s.

These days we associate big hairy bushes with the unkept and raging feminists, which is probably why the furry cup reference has stayed with lesbians for so long.

I'd steer clear of your pen pal unless you want a good shagging.

from Vatasha Rupert

My boyfriend supports The Arse - 1 reply

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 12:56:52 GMT

Dear Aunties,

After six months of what seemed like blissful happiness I found out that my boyfriend is a closet Arsenal fan.

Over the summer he managed to keep up the pretense that he was mildly interested in Tottenham signings but had no great interest in football but when the new season started, he could conceal his inner gooner no more.

It all came to a head last Saturday when I found him in his flat surrounded by holes he had punched in the walls. At first he told me he'd lost his job, then he told me his granddad had died and finally he tried to fob me off by pretending to be dying of cancer. But I knew it had to be something serious and then I saw his computer - he'd just looked up the Arsenal v Fulham result!

What shall I do? This mismatch of football allegiances is certainly going to cause a massive rift between us but I don't want my otherwise functional relationship to end. He is the gentlest, most honest man I've ever met. Am I deluding myself with thoughts of this working?

from Spurs Fan (24), North London
---

Dear Spurs Fan,

There is no greater threat to a relationship than conflicting football allegiances. Some choices we make, such as religion and political leanings, are quite arbitrary and meaningless, however the football team we support represents the very core of our soul.

You could try bleaching his football shirts and embroidering cockerels onto his bed sheets but basically your relationship is doomed. You can take the man out of The Emirates but you can't take The Emirates out of the man.

from Brad the Lad

Ogliterate - Gary Glitter Awareness Campaign - 1 reply

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:56:10 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Where can I get myself a Gary Glitter tracker? I don't have kids, I don't know any kids, but I won't feel I am protecting this nation's children unless I can pin point the exact location of the convicted peadophile / former pop star.

Can I get any stickers and leaflets to distribute around my neighbourhood? How about whistles that go 'Pead Pead'? I really am scared.

from Marge (59), Orkney Isles
---

Dear Marge,

Have you ever considered that Gary Glitter is not the only paedophile on the planet and that your interest in his whereabouts is bordering on an obsession?

I mean photos of his every movement are all very nice but how about seeking out some factual articles providing advice that will actually help real people to combat child abuse in society as a whole?

from Jayne Fott

Why is former lover stalking me? - 1 reply

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:50:55 GMT

Dear Aunties,

On Friday night I met a girl and I told her she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. At first she was skeptical but I bought her a drink and we chatted until the pub closed. When we were finally asked to leave we swapped numbers but when we kissed goodbye it was clear the night was not over. I went back to hers and we made love three times and in the morning I thanked her for a wonderful evening and went home.

Then on Sunday afternoon she sent me a text telling me how she'd spent the day and this morning she tried to add me on Facebook. Why does she think I want to hear from her? How long will I have to put up with this harassment for?

from Simon (22), Birmingham, UK
---

Dear Simon,

That is well out of order! Still, you should have had a fake number handy. In the future give them this one: 0789129711. I'll make sure that I provide a shoulder for them to cry on.

from Brad the Lad

I didn't kiss a girl and like it - 1 reply

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:42:55 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm a 15 year old girl and I don't want to kiss another girl. I'm not even the slightest bit curious and I don't want to taste a cherry chapstick.

If I got brave and lost my discretion, my boyfriend definitely would mind because we're in a committed relationship regardless of the skin softness of any magical red lipped distractions.

Will my classmates mock me for not being bi? Will my boyfriend be teased by his mates for expecting me to not cheat on him and then brag about how much I liked it? If he doesn't want to watch me tonguing it with another girl, is he gay?

from Cassie (15), Surrey, UK
---

Dear Cassie,

Lesbianism isn't for the faint hearted but it certainly is hot, some might say it's the new black!

If you're still a little nervous then try our Kissing a Girl Guide. Girl Scouts can also be quite hot but avoid Brownies as paedophilia isn't due to hit the catwalk until 2030.

from Vatasha Rupert

Have a Heart - Will lover make it? - 1 reply

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:36:48 GMT

Dear Aunties,

The man I love lies dangerously ill in a hospital bed praying a heart donor will come along in the next few days, if not then he may well die. When we met it was like magic and I can see us growing old together if he is spared.

I'm very confused at the moment. Is it selfish to hope another man will die so that my darling can live? And would anyone really blame me for pulling the plug on wretched husband whose lungs have only got a few weeks left in them anyway, in the name of true love?

from Cherie (34), Hertfordshire, UK
---

Dear Cherie,

So let me get this straight, you want to kill your dying husband so that your dying lover can have his heart?

I think you might have some serious self-esteem issues. Why do you think it is that you don't see yourself with a healthy man? Why is it that both men in your live are facing vital organ failure?

I'd say learn to love yourself, ditch the pair or them and find yourself someone without major health problems. Get out of that intensive care unit and investigate more functional places to meet more functional men, like the internet.

from Jayne Fott

Auntie Richbob's Ghost - 1 reply

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:18:12 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I think the ghost of my all time favourite agony aunt, Auntie Richbob, is visiting me in the night. Sometimes I wake up and there she is, sat in the corner of my bedroom with a pint.

Can you tell me if this is possible or am I fantasising again?

from A fan
---

Dear A fan,

It's time you moved with the times. Fantasising about Auntie Richbob may have been cool in 2003 but these days it's much more upbeat to see visions of Uncle Tommy moseying around in a mortor board or Auntie Kaitlin waving a US flag.

Please try and have more current day dreams or you look like a prat.

from Vatasha Rupert

Ashamed of my own family - 1 reply

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:15:02 GMT

Dear Aunties,

For three months I've been dating a lovely girl and everything is going just swishingly apart from the fact that she hasn't met my family yet.

My older brother is a lawyer, my sister is a model and my younger brother is a business man of sorts.

Three years ago my parents found out that my sister had starred in a hardcore porno movie and it broke their hearts. Three months later my younger brother was imprisoned for drug dealing. This lead to my father having a nervous breakdown and he was arrested for indecent exposure and then sectioned. My mum took up armed robbery to make ends meet and likes to brag about how she saved the family from bankruptcy.

I want to be open and honest with my new girlfriend but how can I tell her that my big brother is a lawyer?

from Gerald (24), Glasgow
---

Dear Gerald,

It sounds to me as though your sister is the real star of the show here. I could probably give you more focussed advice if I had a copy of the movie. You know sometimes readers send us gifts...

from Brad the Lad

---
Sha comments...

This letter was inspired by BoreMe

A load of bull - Is risque sex a danger? - 1 reply

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:09:37 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My husband and I have always found new ways to rekindle the passion in our relationship by varying location, costume and position.

My hubby's all time favourite is having sex out of doors when I'm wearing my sexy, red, PVC number.

Fortunately I look shit hot in red but I am terrified of bulls. Am I putting my life in danger by indulging my hubby's fantasies?

from Maggie (45), Somerset, UK
---

Dear Maggie,

I'm glad you emailed me Maggie as I fear you may be making a very dangerous mistake! Red PVC went out last year?

Do you have very dark hair? Because if not I'd advise against red altogether. Try black PVC as it has a sliming effect, you'll probably need it at your age.

from Vatasha Rupert

A-Level Nightmares - 1 reply

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:06:52 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have just taken my A-Levels and need to get three As to get into Cambridge.

For the last three weeks I've been having the same nightmare. I go to pick up my results and just as I'm about to open the envelope, I wake up.

What do you think this could this mean?

from James (18), Coventry, UK
---

Dear James,

Sounds to me as though you have an unconscious fear of letters. Letters can be very scary, giving you paper cuts in all sorts of unpleasant places, however they really are quite safe when handled carefully. If I were you I'd give all mail a wide birth for a year or two. You're only 18, I can't imagine that you'll be receiving any important post anyway.

from Jayne Fott

Curiosity kills - 1 reply

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 18:55:36 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I knocked up a form so that people could submit problems to this page anonymously and now not knowing who's sent what is driving me insane. I'm not a cat but I do have some feline qualities, could the curiosity actually kill me?

from Mrs Ginger (28), Oxford, UK
---

Dear Mrs Ginger,

I think there is a high chance of death. Insanity is pretty nasty. You could try getting some therapy on the NHS but by the time you get near the top of the waiting list, you'll probably have already bashed your brains out with a large rock.

You should have been born a cat. The NHS is prepared for people with eight lives to spare.

from Jayne Fott

People sit on the beach where I walk my dog - 0 replies

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:31:24 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am a dog owner who is forced to walk her dog in country parks and forests during the summer due to selfish people wanting to have fun in my preferred dog walking location, the beach. I console myself with the knowledge that when October comes I can once again let Precious run free on the beach.

However, when I took Precious to Gyllyngvase Beach in Falmouth last weekend, a member of the public was sitting on the beach! I mean sitting!

Well, let me tell you, she was not happy when Precious, fresh out of the sea, jumped all over her. The lady totally over reacted and told me I should control my dog. Fancy that?

What can I do to get people without dogs to keep off the beach during the winter? They are spoiling it for the rightful king of the beaches, me! (and my dog.)

from Anonymous (57), Cornwall, UK

Charades brings me out in hives! - 0 replies

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:24:22 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm allergic to charades. Whenever I partake in the supposedly fun party activity I come out in hives in a rather delicate place. When I try to tell my friends that I don't want to join in they call me a loser.

How can I gracefully reject an invitation to join in this party game without looking like a party pooper?

from Anonymous

I can't seem to impress my man - 0 replies

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:43:39 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I gave my boyfriend a teddy for Christmas and he hasn't even named it. I made him a Celine Dion mix tape and he hasn't listened to it. I bought him a puppy and he came out in a rash. I called him Twinkle Toes and he kicked me.

Where do you think I'm going wrong?

from Edna Eversham (20), Dorest, UK

Girlfriend likes dicks with a buzz - 1 reply

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 16:33:07 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am a young man with a static penis and I found a vibrator in my girlfriend's pants drawer. It is similar in shape and breadth to my own penis but buzzes when you twist its end. I've tried twisting both the base and the tip of my penis, but still no vibrations.

This makes me feel so inadequate. Will I ever be able to satisfy my girlfriend without a vibrating cock? If not, how can I make mine buzz?

from Bill (43), Isle of Wight
---

Dear Bill,

Girls only use vibrators when they can't get hold of a dick with a pulse. Nothing a woman can make or buy will be as good as the real deal, so don't sweat it.

Get revenge by leaving a blow up sex doll on her side of the bed, then she'll know what inadequacy feels like.

from Brad the Lad

I get off on the Queen's Speech - 1 reply

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 16:31:06 GMT

Dear Aunties,

The only thing that turns me on is Her Majesty's Christmas speech. I've tried porn, sex with a partner and oysters but nothing hits the spot better than watching old Liz standing in front of a Christmas tree, articulating her thoughts on the year.

Whilst I can't wait for my annual orgasm in three weeks time, I am frustrated that I only get my kicks once a year. Can you think of any tips and tricks to improve was masturbatory life?

from Eddie (52), London, UK
---

Dear Eddie,

Man, Liz is hot for her age but there are lots of better bods out there to choose from. I suggest finding a tasty 18 year old and sticking a crown on her head. Perhaps it's just the sense of royalty that gets you off?

Alternatively, clench two coins in your eye sockets when you're having sex and you'll be able to see her majesty in stereo!

from Brad the Lad

Stupid spoof problem page destroys lives - 1 reply

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 16:27:56 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I represent insect-torturing equipment business, Ants in Agony. Your website is competing with ours for the top spot in several major search engines.

We sell things such as magnifying glasses, ant powder and hammers all at bargain prices.

We have the potential to be really big and perhaps even help Britain out of recession by creating 10,000 jobs. All that stands between Britain and prosperity is your stupid website. Money problems can result in death.

Please take down your pointless, non-profit-making problem page and replace it with a redirect to our site: www.ants-r-pants.bug.

If you do not do this within 28 days we will come to your houses with the biggest magnifying glass in the world and fry your arses to death.

Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.

from Mr Exterminator (42), London, UK
---

Dear Mr Exterminator,

That does sound like a very worthwhile business. However I have become an agony aunt to get closer to vulnerable women, which is an even more worthwhile endeavour, so go chew on some ant poison.

from Brad the Lad

Make-up tips to reduce appearance of face - 1 reply

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 16:12:45 GMT

Dear Aunties,

What make-up tips can you offer to help disguise an entire face, so that people don't notice I have more than one?

from Lady G (70), Oxfordshire, UK
---

Dear Lady G,

This reminds me of a problem I had with a bird one night. She had big tits but her face was minging. I found throwing my boxers over her face helped to hide it, and of course then she had something nice to sniff, so we both gained.

from Brad the Lad

Scared driving instructor doesn't return my crush - 1 reply

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:46:58 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm in love with my driving instructor and have been since the first time our eyes met across an erect gear stick. He's tall, dark and extremely careful behind the wheel.

It has been three years since I passed my driving test but I have been too afraid to tell him in case he stops giving me lessons. I've turned down four other men because I'm holding out for this guy. I think he might be the love of my life.

I am almost certain that he's in love with me too; all the signs are there: he smiles when we speak, he befriended me on Facebook and asked me out on a date. However I am so afraid of rejection that I said no.

Do you think that was a mistake?

from Angela (24), Cumbria, UK
---

Dear Angela,

You're pathetic. Find another problem page to litter with your stupid high school crap. We're not interested.

from Mrs Ginger

I only fancy married men - 1 reply

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 10:40:09 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I only fancy married men. Short ones, tall ones, fat ones, thin ones - as long as there's a ring on his finger, or at least a mark where he's quickly whipped one off, I'll want him.

This is becoming a real problem for me. I mean 95% of the guys I go for are up for a shag, which I'm happy to cash in on, but the long term potential is dire.

Am I destined to be alone forever, or will my luck change?

from Rita (34), Kent, UK
P.S. Does Uncle Tommy have a wife?
---

Dear Rita,

Get married. Then you'll have a married man all of your very own.

from Mrs Ginger

All my paws were amputated! - 1 reply

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:22:56 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Early last year I was involved in an unfortunate lawn mower accident and lost both of my feet. Fortunately "Wheels for freaks" presented me with a suped up wheel chair but in September, I trapped my left hand in the workings and had to have it amputated. Last week my right hand got trapped in a sandwich toaster. Is my life as good as over?

from Celina (28), Cumbria, UK
---

Dear Celina,

Do not fret! As long as your ass is intact you won't bum out! "Loaded" magazine are running a competition called "Assess my ass!" Simply upload a photo of your botty and you could win a photoshoot! Plus, lots of slimy men will rate your posterior out of 10.

So what if your disabilities are making you miserable? As long as there's something for men to perve over, your existence is worth while!

from Mrs Ginger

I like being screwed by boyfriend's nose - 1 reply

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:06:42 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My boyfriend has always had quite an indiscreet nose. It's probably twice as long as the average beak. However his other pecker is a little lacking in length.

One night we were engaging in some 69 fun when I accidentally wriggled onto his nose. It was much more pleasurable that any intercourse we've had before. However he has never repeated the experience.

How can I tell my husband that I prefer to be penetrated by his nose, than his penis?

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

A simple, "Your dick is tiny," should stop him from entertaining any further notions of conventional sex.

It's best to be to the point, and by the sounds of it, that's his nose.

After destroying his self-esteem try to lure him into further nasal penetration by fragrancing your woman tunnel with some of his favourite aromas. Or, wait until his has a cold and line your vag with a hanky.

from Mrs Ginger

My water pipes talk to me - 1 reply

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 18:54:12 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Sometimes, when I'm trying to sleep, my water pipes make clanking noises. I can't help thinking that it might be the ghost of my old greengrocer trying to tell me something. What might the following pattern mean?

"Clank. Clank. Ting-ting-clank. Rattle. Clank. Clank. Clank. Clank. T-t-t-ting!"

from Molly (57), Cumbria, UK
---

Dear Molly,

It is indeed the spirit of your former greengrocer. He is trying to say:

"How many cucumbers would you like to clank?"

from Psychic Psindy

Might I have a virus? - 1 reply

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 01:40:13 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I think I've caught a computer virus. I opened an email attachment and almost immediately I began to feel nauseous. Now I have a bad headache and an inner ear itch. Might I die?

from Diggory (19), Suffolk, UK
---

Dear Diggory,

Fear not. When you open these types of emails you tend to get even more emails about fine Viagra substitutes and cheap prescription pills, so just answer one of those and they'll set you up with a cure. Who knows, you may even get emails from someone who wants to spice up your love life or deposit millions of pounds in Nigerian currency in your bank account. This may be your lucky day.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Save my documentary - 0 replies

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 12:34:48 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am the producer of a documentary about people's real lives on Sky television. However the pubic seem more interested in watching The X Factor.

We've already covered assisted suicide, psychic detectives and love behind bars. What other controversies can we raise to create a buzz around my show and really boost our ratings?

from Barbs

Boyfriend's Sperm Turns Me Invisible - 0 replies

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 14:14:33 GMT

Dear Aunties,

This is 29 Oral Way. And this is Erica - the girlfriend who leads an exciting double life. For when Erica administers a blowjob, an amazing transformation occurs!

Yes, my boyfriend's semen gives me super powers! Whenever he cums in my mouth, or in fact anywhere, I become invisible! I know this because he falls straight to sleep without cuddling me, whispering sweet nothings to me, or in fact acknowledging mu existence at all.

The special powers wear off over the night and when I feel his boner digging into my back the next morning, I know I'm visible again.

Do all men have magic sperm, or is it just my man?

from Erica (19), Avon, UK

I ate most of my children - 1 reply

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 14:00:30 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

Whilst snowed in I got a little peckish and ate five of my children. Now my youngest won't speak to me or even be left alone with me. How can I reassure my four year old son that I'm not going to eat him?

from Janet (48), Moray, UK
---

Dear Janet,

It may be worth explaining to your son that he is too small to make a decent meal. That way you can regain his trust and fatten him up for next winter.

from Mrs Ginger

I have a singing groinal growth - 0 replies

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 13:52:41 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have a large, singing painless growth just to the right of my penis. I've become attached to it and given him a name, Ernest.

However the problem is that Ernie is larger than my penis and so gets in the way when I try to have lovely sex. Are there any special positions for people who share my problem?

from Bert (47), Cumbria

I sabotage best friend's love life - 0 replies

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 01:29:41 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm running out of ways to sabotage my best friend's love life.

I try to save her from men for her own good. She is so gullable and naive that she could easily be manipulated if she were to become close to someone with less than desirable motives.

When Victor the Vermin tried to take her away from me I slipped randy rodent porn into his bag and that was the last he ever saw of her beaver.

When Roger the Raver got her into drugs I put human remains in his waste paper bin and her suspicions of cannibalism saved her from cannabism.

When Drago the Doctor asked her to move to Dorchester I slipped paracetamol into his dinnertime drink and gave him a taste of his own medicine, then moved her to Croydon.

Are there any other pleasantly alliterative people I could nobble? What should I do if she meets someone with an awkward initial, like Z?

from Nola the Nobbler

Can I prepare to be a good lover? - 0 replies

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 00:49:16 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I want to learn to impress the ladies but I don't have one to practice on. I have found in the past women crying when we sex and would prefer this not to happen much in future.

Due to my track record I am nervous to try sex with another woman until I learn better that art of making the ladies reach the top.

How can I learn to pleasure a lady without hands on?

from Mario (32), London, UK

Second Racism - 0 replies

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 12:22:18 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am a happily married black lady in an interracial marriage - or at least I thought I was!

Last week I found that my hubbie has been participating in the virtual world, Second Life, as a racist little old lady!

I don't know much about Second Life but I assume you get to pick the character you play as. Why would my loving husband choose to play a bigot when he seems so liberal in real life.

Is he acting out fantasies born in repressed racial hatred towards me, my Afro-Caribbean parents and our mixed-race children?

from Karen (42), London, UK

Is Russell Brand a Virgin? - 0 replies

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 09:46:13 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm in love with TV personality Russell Brand. Ever since I set eyes on his birds' nest hair, I've just wanted to try and run my fingers through it, (although I do realise it might be too knotted for that.)

However recent events suggest that he is not a virgin and has actually done the dead with Andrew Sachs' granddaughter, Georgina Baillie.

This revelation has come as a major shock. I had hoped we could lose our virginities together.

Do you think my suspicions are justified or am I just being paranoid? Could he be a virgin after all?

from Mary (27), London, UK

Daughter scared of blacks - 0 replies

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 13:38:36 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My daughter is terrified of black people. This is a little embarrassing for me as I am an equal opportunities consultant and a part time volunteer with OxFam.

However I've tried everything to cure my child's phobia but even an individual with a light tan causes her to break out in a sweat.

She is on the waiting list for CBT but it could be some months before she gets therapy. In the meantime it is extremely distressing for her to see a black person..

How can I protect my child without seeming racist to those around me?

from Sandy Mansion (40), Bristol, UK
P.S. She is also scared of homosexuals, Pakis, the mentally ill and the Irish.

I want homosexual goats to marry children - 1 reply

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 13:19:06 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have a dream! I dream of a time when kids can marry their own father, or a goat! I want to take my views into schools and raise the next generation to be homosexuals. I want to burn churches and deliberately stop Christian Aid workers from sending rescue packs to people in need.

Yes, I have a dream! How can I make it come true?

from Plecta Botheray (21), California, UK
---

Dear Plecta Botheray,

Legalising gay marriage is a prerequisite for incest, bestiality and the dissolution of the church.

However you are a little late. Last week a ballot, Proposition 8, took place and allowed Californians the chance to vote against a ban on gay marriage. Unfortunately for you the ban was passed and goats will have to wait even longer before their time comes.

You could try setting fire to some Christians, they are the only people who stand between morality and corruption.

from Mrs Ginger

Ban minority group marriage? - 0 replies

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:40:56 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I feel like oppressing a minority group that I don't belong to. What I'd really like to do is pick on a group of people who aren't hurting anybody and throw my views down their throats. If I could use my bigotry to chance the laws somewhere, that would be even better.

Do you think I should rally to ban marriage for blacks, Jews, homosexuals or all three?

from Brad (42), Warwickshire

Boyfriend stole my pubes - 1 reply

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:27:35 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I think my boyfriend is stealing from me. I woke up this morning and all my pubes had gone. Why would he steal them? I mean really! How much can a few wiry, black hairs actually be worth?

from Esme (18), Leicestershire
---

Dear Esme,

Now come on, your boyfriend actually stealing your pubic hair sounds a bit far-fetched to me. Have you considered the much more likely possibility that you booked a home wax and then fell asleep before your beautician arrived? Check your wallet and if you're 50 quid short, that'll be it.

from Mrs Ginger

What causes lesbianism? Can it be fixed? - 0 replies

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 21:53:43 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Why is my daughter a lesbian? What causes it? Is it because I didn't force her to finish her greens or did I breast feed her for too long?

When she was seven a man accidentally shut her finger in his car door and she needed stitches. Is this why she doesn't want to get close to men?

I let her wear jeans to church when she was 13. Do you think that corrupted her sexuality? Should I have been less lenient?

She is now 24 and about to embark on a civil partnership. What, if anything, can I do to fix the damage I've done to my little daughter, before it's too late?

from Alison (44), Hampshire, UK

Sending real problems to fake problem page - 0 replies

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 21:54:51 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I edit a spoof problem page on the internet. However sometimes readers miss the joke and send in their real problems. How should I deal with people like that?

from Anonymous
P.S. Should I buy a toaster in blue or yellow?

My girlfiend is trying to kill me - 0 replies

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 14:42:05 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Last night my girlfriend Siobhan hid coins in my mashed potato and when that didn't choke me, slipped a ring into my Barnbrack Cake.

We've had a few arguments over doing the washing up recently. Do you think that warrants trying to kill me in such a horrid way?

from Nick (20), London, UK

I see dead people - 0 replies

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 14:34:30 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm afraid to inform you that the film, "Sixth Sense" may indeed be based on a true story. Last night I saw around 7 ghosts. Some came to my door asking for candy and others were swooping down the street towards the pub.

What should I do?

from Maureen (44), Yorkshire, UK

My fetish for wookiee sex - 0 replies

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 16:11:56 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I like to have sex dressed as Chewbacca. I first discovered my fetish after a Star Wars convention when I went down on a pygmy Leia dressed as the famous wookiee.

Since then I've tried to have Chewy sex as much as possible by frequenting fetish bars and prowling for people on the internet.

However now I've fallen in love and am ready to settle down. My girlfriend is called Debbie and she is lovely. I hope to one day marry her. I certainly don't want to be unfaithful but I just don't think I can give up wookiee sex.

Debbie is quite conventional and comes from a very right-wing family. Do you think she could ever share my fetish? And if so, how do I bring it up?

from Pete (28), London, UK

That snow way for the world to end! - 0 replies

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 12:03:02 GMT

Dear Aunties,

It is snowing in Oxford even though it is October. Does this mean apocalypse it nigh? What, if anything, can I do to prevent it?

from Andrew Forestbush (20), Oxford, UK

How bad can sex get? - 0 replies

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 00:50:37 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

I would like to provide a response to Professor Tommy's musing "There's no theoretical limit to how bad sex can get." I have in fact investigated the bounds of truly awful sex, myself and offer my findings below.

Whilst trying a new sex act known as tea-bagging some of my ex boyfriend's fluffy pubes tickled my nose triggering a sneeze and a clamping of the jaw containing my teeth. My ex refused from that point onward to let me put anything of his in my mouth.

Blow jobs were ruled out but he missed being sucked and so we attempted to simulate the experience using a Henry vacuum cleaner - obviously I painted over the eyes so that it didn't feel as though he was having sex with another person besides me.

However one day his member became wedged in the hoover pipe. Since there is no way to withdraw an erect penis of his ample proportions, from such a cleaner, we needed to make him flaccid as quickly as possible to prevent damage to his nether regions.

In an effort to make him as least aroused as possible I retrieved a used waxing strip from my waste paper basket and slid into bed pretending it was my boob hair. I pressed myself against him but in doing so the wax somehow attached itself to his rather furry chest.

The wax irritated his skin and a rash immediately developed. We had no choice other than to put him in a bath of warm water to soften the wax and soak it off. However, whilst by this point my ex was no longer aroused, his penis had become so inflamed that it was still stuck in the Henry, so we had to put the hoover in the bath too.

Unfortunately in our haste to lessen my ex's suffering, neither of use remembered to unplug the hoover.

Did I say ex boyfriend? I meant late. He was electrocuted in his own bath with his penis wedged up a hover and his chest covered in hives and microwavable hair removal wax.

Boyfriends, hey?

from Kelly Kobwittle (23), Pembrokeshire, UK

Is it still OK to shoot computer game characters? - 0 replies

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:04:05 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I like to play first-person shoot-um-ups. What better way to release tensions caused by living in the modern world?

However now that a Japanese woman has been jailed for virtually killing her husband, I am reluctant to engage in violent behaviour towards others in computer games, even the NPCs (Non-Player Characters.)

I haven't so much as starved a Sim in the last few days.

Are there any better ways to relieve stress and homicidal impulses?

from Gregory Gunwalloe (20), Essex, UK

I'd give an arm and a leg to lose weight - 1 reply

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 15:21:25 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Since hearing about the anti-obesity drug, rimonabant, I've thought of nothing else. I am currently a size 10 and dream of being thin. You can imagine my disappointment when I was told I couldn't take it because of increased risks to my mental health.

I mean, I am the most stable person out there. I don't believe in suicide - I'd rather die before taking my own life - and can't imagine that any so-called "mental health problem" could be worse than the grotesque reflection of my 28" waist.

I'd give an arm and a leg to get my hand(s) on that drug. Know anyone who deals in limbs or illegal weight-loss pills?

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

Forget the weight-loss pills - just give an arm and a leg. That alone will make you lose weight, especially if your thighs or upper arms are problematic.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Toasting to eternal life - 1 reply

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 21:06:36 GMT

Dear Aunties,

If failing to make eye contact when toasting gets you seven years of bad sex, can you get yourself eternal life by repeatedly screwing up toasts?

Are there any draw backs to eternal life? Are there any advantages to bad sex?

from Kyle (24), Tipperary, Ireland
---

Dear Kyle,

I'm afraid sentences can be served concurrently. There's no theoretical limit to how bad sex can get.

from Professor Tommy

I smell - 1 reply

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 08:26:54 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My right armpit is smellier than my left armpit, and my breath stinks of garlic. What should I do?

from Stinky McStink (57), Krakow, Poland
---

Dear Stinky McStink,

Perhaps you are walking around in circles. The extra exertion on one side would certainly explain the armpit problem. Measure your legs to check that one is not longer than the other. Consider orthopaedic shoes.

Allow the smell of garlic to prevail as it will drown out the body odour in much the same way that smoking in pubs overpowered the smell of wee and stale beer.

from Mrs Ginger

My giant chicken lover doesn't know I'm a man - 0 replies

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:07:10 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have a Saturday job advertising KFC in a giant chicken costume. During the last few weeks I've become close to a man named Zipper and he has asked me out on a date.

However I told him that my voice sounded low pitch because it was muffled through the suit, but actually I have a deep voice because I am a man. Zipper does not know this.

Should I come clean?

from Sam Downberry (21), Gloucestershire, UK

Why do I prefer water? - 2 replies

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 22:26:56 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Ever since a kid I've loved to swim. I like boating too but nothing beats actually feeling the water against your skin and the sand beneath your feet.

Why do I feel more comfortable in the water than on dry land?

from Charles Flippery (16), Swanage, UK
---

Dear Charles Flippery,

You were a guppy in a previous life. Bread in captivity you enjoyed swimming near the water's surface hoping to be the first to the fish food.

Sadly you flipped out of the tank during a routine clean and went up the hover. That is why you sweat when you hear vacuum cleaners today and have a rare aversion to oral sex.

from Psychic Psindy

---

Dear Charles Flippery,

I think your problem goes beyond a past life experience. You ARE, in fact, a guppy. You're hallucinating this entire world and you are in a tank in a secret MI6 underground facility. They are using you to invent new computer games for geeky children across the world.

If you sit and watch tv for a week, they should get bored with you and free you to your fish family.

from Judge Gaw

Will my dying lover go back to his wife in heaven? - 0 replies

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 21:03:04 GMT

Dear Aunties,

After a seven year affair I finally stole my boss Frank, from his wife. I was delighted as I thought it would never happen.

His wife was always a bit of an attention seeker and committed suicide on my birthday. I was glad to see the back of her but furious about the timing. I know she did it on purpose - she was always trying to hurt me.

Unfortunately now Frank is dying of cancer. Doctors say he has just six months left to live. Apart from the adultery and a little mild sexual harassment, he's lived a good life and will probably ascend into heaven.

Does that mean that his blasted wife will get him back after all?

from Moiralaka Vontonpaka (31), Humperside, UK

Should I get my four year old a sex change? - 0 replies

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 10:00:19 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm concerned about my four year old son under performing at school. I've heard that even by age 5, girls are two months ahead of boys in the classroom.

Would it help to get my son a sex change operation?

from Anna Kalumba (32), Durham, UK

Best friend is dating a cannibal - 1 reply

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 14:41:03 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My best friend is going out with a cannibal. I know this because I've seen her nibble on a child and throw its remains into a bone pit beneath their house.

I've tried to accept his decision but I just can't. However if I tell him, he might hate me but if I don't, he might get smothered in tomato ketchup and gobbled for breakfast.

What does the bible suggest I should do?

from Georgina (24), Lincolnshire, UK
---

Dear Georgina,

I don't know about the bible but I think you should definitely tell him. He will immediately dump her and then thank you for pointing out the error of his ways. That is always exactly what happens when you try and interfere in your friends' dating matters.

Alternatively you could smother him in marmite. It tastes revolting.

from Mrs Ginger

Walking around in my knickers - 3 replies

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 14:37:23 GMT

Dear Aunties,

If I walk around my apartment in my knickers, what's the worst that can happen?

from Ginny (27), Oxford, UK
---

Dear Ginny,

You could accidentally splash hot cooking oil onto your belly in the shape of a female symbol, permanently discolouring the skin like a tattoo, and then you'll be forever mistaken for a lesbian.

Do you really want to risk THAT?

from Mrs Ginger

---

Dear Ginny,

You may also run the risk of an alien jumping out of the kitchen sink into your belly button. And you don't want to become a pod person, do you?

from Judge Gaw

---

Dear Ginny,

The curtains might be shut.

from Brad the Lad

Plagues of Asian Lady Boys - 1 reply

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 14:32:11 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I heard on the radio that plagues of killer Asian Lady Boys are threatening our ecosystem. The news reader even said that our British Lady Boys could die out!

What should I do if I spot an Asian Lady Boy? There is a tranny at the end of my street, does she need protection?

from Terry (45), Berkshire, UK
---

Dear Terry,

Birds. LadyBIRDs.

Lady birds are insects. Trannies are a completely different kettle or vermin!

Do let me know if you spot one though, and I'll stalk its house and throw eggs at it when it pokes its freak body out the door to retrieve "Abominations Weekly."

from Mrs Ginger

I have to watch gay men shagging weekly - 0 replies

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 00:51:11 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am a toilet. It's not the greatest existence but I've been a toilet all of my life and I don't know anything different. My father was a toilet and his father before him.

As toilets go I have quite a glamorous job - I work in a club in Oxfordshire. During my time I've pressed my seatless porcelain rim against many beautiful women's bottoms.

However on Friday nights I have to endure something much worse than women relieving themselves - gay men shagging in my cubicle.

Call me old fashioned but it's just not natural watching two men bump uglies. Having to witness this every week is crushing my soul.

Is there anything I can do?

from Coven Toilet (15), Oxford, UK

I poisoned my life drawing rival - 2 replies

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 22:22:33 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

My best friend and neighbour beat me at the life drawing category in a village art show, with her piece "John's wrinkles." I've been drawing John for many years and have never once won an award for it.

I'm afraid my jealousy lead me to act slightly on the dastardly side of sensible and I poisoned her by putting a toxic chemical in her rock cakes.

In just 36 hours this woman will die unless I administer an antidote. Should I save her life or let her die? She has just won a shiny trophy in the shape of an erect pork sword, so she'd be going out on a up note.

from Sue (67), Devon, UK
---

Dear Sue,

The other aunties may disagree, but I say totally save her life. And make sure the media knows about it. That way, you will get the fame and recognition you deserve.

If that doesn't make you feel better, though, steal the trophy.

from Auntie Kaitlin

---

Dear Sue,

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply, I was washing my hair.

I say definitely save her.

Bollocks, has the deadline has passed?

from Mrs Ginger

Girlfriend teases other guys - 0 replies

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:20:05 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My girlfriend kissed another female friend in front of the friend's boyfriend to get him turned on, and all this behind my back!

It's been playing on my mind (not in a good way) and I need some advice.

from Norbert (26), Manchester, UK
P.S. Is it cheating?

Fiance won't take my name - 0 replies

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:53:26 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My fiance, Iona, won't take my name when we marry. I feel like she's rejecting my heritage. Why do you think she is doing this? Shouldn't all women take their husband's name?

from Mr Tinyone (32), London, UK

My boyfriend is turned on by sheep porn - 0 replies

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 22:37:49 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I really want to satisfy my boyfriend in bed and for the most part we have a good sex life but something is missing.

Whilst cleaning his apartment I found some sheep porn. Can I use this information to spice up our sex life?

from Ewegenie (23), London, UK

Sleeping with best friend's husband's ghost - 0 replies

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:49:42 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm sleeping with my best friend's husband's ghost. I want to tell her because we've always been open and honest with each other. However she once told me that her hubbie was rubbish in bed and with me, he's on fire! I'm just itching for some girl talk about my new man's fantastic tackle, but I don't want to rub her face in it. What should I do?

from Karly (38), Surrey, UK

I see dead people - 1 reply

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:43:15 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I see seven ill tempered Victorian sisters walking around my sixteenth floor flat in Central London, with axes. I'm also prone to severe depression and crazy spending sprees. What do you think I should do?

from Jess (24), London, UK
---

Dear Jess,

It sounds as though the seven sisters were hacked to death by a crazed woodcutter. Sadly a lot of that went on in the 19th century. They will continue to haunt the scene of the crime unless you take action.

Without a doubt you should get an exorcism. Genuine exorcists are hard to come by so you'll need me to set you up with one for a 200% finders fee.

Do not accept psychiatric intervention. The drugs could make you so drowsy that you won't even notice an axe wielding nutter until the blade of her hatchet is embedded in your skull.

In the meantime, there is no need to vacate your flat.

from Psychic Psindy

Don't forget to water my tomatoes - 0 replies

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:05:59 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am psychic. Attached is a sketch of a man who wants to get this message to his widow: "Don't forget to water my tomatoes."

If any of your readers recognise him, can they please pass on the message?

from Christianna (62), Yorkshire, UK

Boyfriend caught with pants off - 0 replies

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 18:48:54 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I caught my boyfriend masturbating in the shower. Is it over?

from Prudilocks (19), Cornwall, UK

My kid suddenly started supporting the labour party - 0 replies

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 18:11:46 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I come from a happy Tory family and was hoping to have happy Tory children but recently my 11 year old son has stopped playing wizards and reading books and taken an interest in the Labour party. What could have caused this? What can we do to steer him back towards the conservative path we intended for him?

from Tory Mum (54), Surrey, UK

I'm in love with myself - 0 replies

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:41:21 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've been having an affair behind my husband's back - with myself!

I just can't help it. I'm younger, fitter and softer than my man. I never meant for any of this to happen but whenever I'm alone with myself, things just start to happen.

And it's not just about sex, I sometimes take myself out to dinner, and to the cinema. I love my own company so much that I crave time alone, sometimes over time with my bloke.

Obviously there is a taboo surrounding sex with family members, does that include myself? I'm a girl, so if I have sex with myself does that make me a homosexual?

from Mandy (37), Kent, UK

I want to write for Hit the Spoof - 1 reply

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 12:55:46 GMT

Dear Aunties,

CAN I wRITE FOR UR WEBSITE PLEASE???? I AM GOOD AT ANSERING PROBLEMS + VERY FUNNY!!!!!!

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

Being an auntie is not easy, you know. It requires hours of commitment and sacrifice, plus random quirky personality traits.

If you are interested in becoming an auntie, perhaps you might like to enroll in our "How to Become an Auntie" training scheme, which is a correspondence course. Just send a cheque for £397.52 payable to Auntie Kaitlin, c/o Hit the Spoof, and you'll be on your way to answering other people's problems.

We look forward to hearing from you soon!

from Auntie Kaitlin

I'm in love with best friend's wardrobe - 0 replies

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 21:39:35 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm in love with my best friend's wardrobe. It is tall, mahogany and basically everything you've always wanted from a closet.

My best friend is very close to her wardrobe, they always sleep in the same room and she trusts it with her things. I don't think their relationship is of a sexual nature but I think it is intimate enough for her not to want to share it.

I really don't want to upset my best friend but I just can't stop thinking about the wardrobe. What should I do?

from Hazel (24), Warwickshire, UK

Could the world ever be problem free? - 0 replies

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 21:29:56 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Your problem page has depressed me. I had always hoped that the world would be problem free for everybody but now that I've read about you I've realised that a problem free world would pose a problem for you.

What can I dream for now?

from Karen (32), Middlesex, UK

I want my breast milk made into ice cream - 2 replies

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 21:28:16 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I read in The Independent that animal rights group, Peta, are urging Ben and Jerry's to make their ice cream from human breast milk instead of dairy, believing it is cruel to forcefully impregnate cows to make them produce milk.

Apparently the chef, Hans Locher pays women £3 for 400ml of breast milk to go in his sauces, so it could be a nice little earner.

This seems like an excellent opportunity to raise money and protect animals. The only problem is that I'm not lactating. How can this be fixed?

from Gemma (23), Berwickshire, UK
---

Dear Gemma,

Why not become a surrogate for someone? Not only will this help you lactate (which in turn will help you protect animals and raise money), you'll also get a nice chunk of change for being someone's baby mama.

I got this idea from watching "Ugly Betty." Really, everyone should watch more telenovelas, they have the answers to all of life's problems.

from Auntie Kaitlin

---

Dear Gemma,

Have a baby to start your milk flowing. If it's a boy, have it killed at birth; if it's a girl feed her with what's left of your milk after more important functions (ice cream production) are complete and then start your own chain by forcefully impregnating her using a sperm bank, as soon as she reaches puberty. Even animal rights extremists should be OK with that.

from Mrs Ginger

Can Vampire give blood? - 0 replies

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 10:07:10 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I was infected with vampireism three years ago but have thus far managed to control my urges to bite people. I would like to take things one step further by donating blood to save lives. However I am unsure whether or not it is safe for vampires to give blood. Is it?

from Draco (31), Yorkshire, UK

Gingers are lesbians, why? - 0 replies

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:45:17 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've suspected for a long time that there is a higher incidence of lesbianism in gingers than any other hair group. Lindsay Lohan is the latest in my string of women to support my theory.

What is the reason for this phenomenon?

from SC (28), Oxford, UK
P.S. Wolverhampton's

Could hormone imbalance cause lesbianism - 0 replies

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:37:22 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm attracted to other women, do you think I have a hormone imbalance?

from Jennifer (25), Dublin, Ireland

I dropped litter - 0 replies

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 23:07:23 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

Please forgive, I dropped chewing gum today. I yawned and it fell out of my mouth onto the pavement. I am usually a keen adherer to Mrs Baggit's "Take litter home" regime but on this occasion my tiredness caused me to litter a public area.

Before I could get to it, a brown haired woman stepped in the chewing gum and it stuck to her shoe. I tried to help her but shortly after I lifted her foot she suddenly tripped and fell into the road causing a car to swerve and hit a bus.

The bus tumbled over and crashed into an area of scaffolding which warped and dropped to the ground leaving two workmen dangling by their hands.

The fire brigade arrived and rescued the workmen but in doing so did not reach a burning chapel in time to save a congregation.

As I watched the emergency services clear the debris I realised with horror that the inconsiderate brunette, having picked the gum off her shoes, had dropped it back onto the pavement and because the police have barricaded the area, I could not get to the litter to put it in its correct place in the bin.

I cannot sleep thinking about the damage I have done to this beautiful area. I know it's just one piece of gum, but where would the world be if people like me left gum lying around in the streets? Please forgive me Mrs Baggit.

from Sid (37), Cambourne, UK

I blew up a dog - 0 replies

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 22:41:37 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

I needed to kill my wife in order to make room for my new lover but in doing so, I also accidentally blew up our dog, Sabrina. Please forgive me for what I did to that bitch.

from Gordo (45), Merseyside, UK
P.S. Soz about the wife, too.

Relocation Relocation Relocation (of my penis) - 1 reply

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:41:46 GMT

Dear Aunties,

The council has offered me a generous sum of money to move my penis to make way for a new dual carriage way. I'm happy with the arrangement in principle but don't know where I would put it. I've always seen my penis living somewhere around my groinal area but I suppose a change is as good as a holiday. Where should I move it to?

from Gary (33), Manchester, UK
---

Dear Gary,

If you feel a little more attached to it, so to speak, I've always thought the penis in the centre of the forehead look is very appealing. This also means that, and bear with me here, if you were to 69 with a woman, she gets oral sex as well as simultaneous anal penetration.

If your girlfriend does NOT enjoy anal, then you could always do the penis on the nose thing (think laterally here). (Just try not to sneeze.)

If she does not enjoy penetration at all, just chop it off (I'm sure we could find a needy recipient somewhere... *ahem*)

from Uncle Luke

The astrology of food - 1 reply

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:23:33 GMT

Dear Aunties,

What should I have for dinner tonight? I'm a libra.

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

***HIT THE SPOOF ADVISORY - BEWARE OF PHISHING EMAILS. DO NOT TRUST MONEY ORDERS OR INTERNATIONAL DELIVERY***

You don't need to cook tonight. I see something very grave in your stars. A grave. You'll be dead by morning. Therefore treat yourself - you only need to keep two obols aside to get across the River Styx - to something really exotic. I'd recommend the chippy. Then transfer what's left into my bank account - details to follow.

Are you available between 7am and 7pm every weekday for transfer of this item? What condition is the item in? I am willing to pay €*43-_ for this item. My shipping company will get in contact, but I am about to take a trip to Alaska.

from Uncle Luke

I kissed a man who isn't my husband - 1 reply

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:30:36 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

Last weekend I kissed a man who wasn't my husband. He's not anybody else's husband either, and I'm not married, but I feel so bad for engaging in such an act when we're not even engaged.

from Lottie (45), Kent, UK
---

Dear Lottie,

I'm afraid we'll need more information before we can grant your absolution. Was it a standard both-cheeks European kiss, or something else? We'll need explicit details before we can go any further.

from Auntie Kaitlin

I doinked a colleague and now I feel real bad - 0 replies

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:58:11 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

I love my wife and it was never my intention to cheat on her but this girl at work, she kept trying and trying to sleep with me and in the end, when she practically stripped in front of me, I gave in to my primal urges and porked her.

While she lay on my desk I thrust my man sword (a whole 7.5 inches!) into her tight pussy. Honestly, I have never seen anything so wet in all my life, and I'm into snorkelling. Afterwards she said I was the best she'd ever had.

I am so ashamed of what happened. Am I eligible for a Hit the Spoof free absolution? I don't know how I'll sleep at night without one.

from Anonymous (43), Perthshire, UK

Should I put threesome on resume? - 1 reply

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:44:05 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I read that men should put threesomes on their CVs on the grounds that there is no greater achievement for a man.

I also read that you should fit your CV on one page of A4.

Should I include details of my 24 hour romp with two French twins, or omit it to save space?

from Digbert (33), Berkshire, UK
---

Dear Digbert,

I assume you have photos of the threesome - I would recommend making a collage and sending that. Obviously, it therefore needs to be A3 size at least. Also - just an idea - you know people tell you to really make your cv stand out? Why not add a few pop-up elements?

Obviously, you'll need to have one of the women's phone number for references.

If you could send me a copy of it before you send it off, I'll be happy to review it for you and touch it up...

Good luck in the job hunt!

from Uncle Luke

I've been secretly watching Match of the Day - 0 replies

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:32:38 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

My girlfriend is beautiful and I really want it to work, so when she asked my to cut my biggest pleasure (football) out of my life, I readily agreed.

However I have found it difficult to keep to my promise. I deliberately jog near areas where football is played just on the off chance that they lose their ball and ask me to kick it back to them - oh that feeling when a shot is on target...

And here lies the worst part of my deception: I told my girlfriend that I'm going to my cousin's house on Sunday evening to build up to "Russell Brand on the Road" when really I'm just hoping to catch the end of "Match of the Day."

I would watch the highlights with one of my mates, but friends between the ages of 15 and 35 are also banned, as are blonde women of any age, pints, breaking the speed limit, trainers and any oral sex, unless it's on her.

from Mike (27), Staffordshire, UK
P.S. Do you know how The Potters are faring up in the premiership? Glorious no doubt.

I'm kidnapped! - 2 replies

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 06:51:07 GMT

Dear Aunties,

A big man kidnapped me and locked me in a cellar without windows or telephones. I'm terrified and just want to go home.

I know my family are very concerned because I saw a clip from their TV appeal on youtube. There is also a Facebook group dedicated to finding me and my best friend put an ad on gumtree. I'm dying to let my loved ones know I'm safe.

Can you think of any methods I could use to contact the police and let them know where to rescue me from? I've got my mobile but no signal and I've tried shouting but nobody ever replies.

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

Oooh, sorry about that! We would have been happy to help, but you didn't put a location, so it'd be hard for us to contact the police for you. I can't really think of any other way for you to get in touch with your family. Good luck!

from Auntie Kaitlin

---

Dear Anonymous,

Oh come on! The answer is so obvious!

All you need is a homing pigeon and a roof with a hole in it. If you can't find any paper write a text on your mobile, save it to drafts and then strap the phone to the bird.

Alternatively you could use a saucepan to bang on the wall in morse code; I'm sure you could find a guide online.

from Mrs Ginger

I tortured arachnids - 0 replies

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:00:58 GMT

Forgive me aunties, for I have sinned,

For the last seven years I've chopped the legs of spiders and watched their blobby bodies starve to death. Will I burn in hell?

from Lauryn (17), Glamorgan

Pen pal is from Lesbos - 0 replies

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 22:46:17 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My pen pal is telling me that she is a Lesbian but I thought she was a British. How can I make better my English if my exchange student is a Greek?

from Lena (15), My Country
---
winston_smith comments...

You should try Greek, gives one a different perspective.

Will my poor luck with men change? - 1 reply

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 18:33:57 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have a terrible track record with men. My first husband was violent, the next guy I dated turned out to prefer banana to papaya and my last boyfriend stole from me. Please can you tell me when my luck is due to change? Is there hope for me yet?

from Jayne (26), Toronto, Canada
---

Dear Jayne,

I shouldn't have thought so, no.

from Psychic Psindy

Make my girlfriend dump me - 1 reply

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 02:59:56 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Professor Tommy may indeed be right about my girlfriend being immortal and I'm afraid he may also be right about the nasty repercussions if I hurt her. Therefore I've decided that the best plan of attack would be to make her dump me.

However I have tried farting around her, pretending to support Bush, torching ants and speaking only in Catherine Tate impressions but my natural charm is still winning through.

How do you lose a girl?

from Bernard (27), Suffolk, UK
---

Dear Bernard,

It's a little late to pretend you support Bush - why not pretend to support McCain, or better still, why not extol the virtues of Sarah Palin?

from Auntie Kaitlin

I pretended to die in 9/11 and now I want my old life back - 0 replies

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:14:52 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My marriage was on the rocks, I was badly in debt and I was suspected of armed robbery. So when 9/11 struck and I narrowly escaped being crushed, I decided to let everybody think I hadn't made it, and start a new life in England.

However I miss my wife terribly and I want to go back. I can only imagine her happy little face when she sees me again. Got any tips on how to make our reunion really special?

from Samuel (35), New York, US
P.S. Do you think I should bring flowers or chocolate?
---
winston_smith comments...

Cad! Bring back a gift from where you visited, and not a bloody t shirt that said you were there.

---
Sha comments...

I think I've seen "I survived 9/11" t-shirts in the shops, nowhere near New York of course...

Pork like a pirate day - 0 replies

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 14:23:23 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I want to learn a new sexual position to mark International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Can you recommend anything topical?

from Robin (32), Penzance

Pen pal prefers to punt from the Cambridge end - 0 replies

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:04:51 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am afraid by the water but my English pen pal is telling me she is liking boating backwards. She is saying "I prefer to punt from the Cambridge end." Could this be dangerous?

from Lena (15), My Country

Girlfriend is pussy mad - 1 reply

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 02:40:40 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My girlfriend sleeps amongst a pile of cats. It's disgusting. She said she'd die if anything bad happened to any one of them. How can I get my girlfriend alone without killing her?

from Martin (25), Blackpool, UK
---

Dear Martin,

This may sound obvious, but have you tried taking her to your house? The cats don't come with her, do they? If they do, I'd suggest running the other way, and quickly.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Credit Crunch - Money saving tips - 0 replies

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:42:10 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My brothers and I have had a little bit of bad luck with money recently. Can you recommend any money making tips to help us until we get us back on our feet? Can you suggest any ways of saving a bob or two in the meantime?

from H Lehman, US

Hiding truth about my cancer - 0 replies

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:45:12 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've decided not to tell my young children that I have cancer. Can you see any flaws in my plan?

from Jade Goody (27), UK

Should I abort dangerous alien foetus? - 1 reply

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 10:38:17 GMT

Dear Aunties,

The last member of a dying alien species impregnated me before his final breath. I have every reason to believe that the half-alien child I am carrying will eat every living human for breakfast, bringing an end to our race.

Should I have an abortion?

from Emma (29), Kent, UK
---

Dear Emma,

Well, apparently Palin could well be President of the US in the next year or three. Therefore, obviously, your choices are:

1) have the baby, no questions asked

2) cause an international scandal by being the pregnant, unmarried kid of... someone

3) pretend to have mono for four months (allegedly)

Will you call it Uncle Luke?

Was the father hot? How did this even happen?

from Uncle Luke

Too Prude to Print - 1 reply

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 02:14:44 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My printer is too prude to output swear words. Yesterday I tried to print a list of my favourite songs and out came:

'Falling for the first time' - Ladies in the Noody

'Anarchy in the UK' - Whoopi Pistols

'My Cat' - Juicing the Joystick Jill

'Too Drunk to Diddle' - Dead Kennedys

What am I going to do? I have to print a report on London Underground tomorrow!

from Simon (27), London
---

Dear Simon,

Did you forget to show identification when you bought your printer? You may have purchased one of those new U-rated printers by mistake, which the shops sell by default if you don't show them identification. Return to the shop with your driver's license or accompanied by one of your parents, and the cashier will be able to sell you the 15- or 18-rated printer that you need.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Convert to lesbianism? No thanks! - 2 replies

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 18:15:17 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I believe a coven of English lesbians have hatched a plan to turn me into a lesbian. I am not entirely happy with their plotting. What kinds of spells and trickery should I prepare myself for?

from Anonymous (26), New Orleans
---

Dear Anonymous,

Firstly, don't go out alone at night. They jump on you with dildos and take you up a back alley when you're not looking (believe me - I should know).

With regards to other things to look out for, see also: winning smiles, charm, paying attention to what you say, buying you thoughtful gifts. Honestly - being with lesbians can get really distressing...

I wish you luck in all your endeavours

The ex-lesbian.

aka Uncle Luke.

from Uncle Luke

---

Dear Anonymous,

Lesbianism is a religious cult motivated by the belief that to get into Sapphic Heaven, you must convert as many women as possible, to the ways of the lesbian.

By trying to convert you, lesbians believe that they are saving your soul from hell, a giant, fiery shopping mall full of shoe retailers.

Usually lesbians go door to door carrying copies of "Tipping the Velvet" but sometimes, when they fear a girl's soul is particularly special, they make an extra effort to convert her.

If you really don't want to be saved, then follow Uncle Luke's advice and always check for strap-ons when you stand with your back to a dyke.

from Mrs Ginger

Housemates' cruel incest and fisting prank - 0 replies

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 18:18:30 GMT

Dear Aunties,

A few days ago I went to the pub without signing out of Facebook. You can imagine the consequences when my "hilarious" housemates discovered my mistake.

However before I had chance to remove myself from the groups "Incest is a game for all the family" and "I like fisting my friends while they sleep," I got an email from my sister confessing long-harboured, sexual feelings for me.

Do you think this incident could make our relationship awkward? I do feel jolly uncomfortable right now, wondering how to reply and imagining quite how bad family Christmases are going to become.

How should I break the news that I'm not really into fisting?

from George (23), Somerset

Pen pal wants to partake in violent sports - 0 replies

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 23:26:08 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I do not like animals to be crucified but I think my English pen friend is liking to hurt shellfish. I want to give her good times here in my country but cannot oblige with this sport she tells me she is liking called clam smacking.

Is English girls also liking sports of non-contact?

from Lena (15), My Country

I need writer's block and I need it now - 2 replies

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:54:12 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I feel so inspired to write that I always have a pen in hand. Every single interaction with another human being gives rise to a poem and sometimes even a paperback book.

However I'm getting fed up with always feeling creative. It's hard to find time to sleep with so many good ideas flying through my brain. I often skip meals in case they inspire a sonnet.

Are there any ways to induce writer's block?

from Lara (24), Oxford, UK
---

Dear Lara,

Try enrolling in a doctoral program. When you pick up your pen to write that thesis, you'll have the writer's block you've always wanted.

Good luck!

from Auntie Kaitlin

---

Dear Lara,

Watch The X Factor, Big Brother and then that potato advert with Lloyd Grossman and/or any programme with Janet Street Porter. Possible outcomes: (1) complete brain-dead coma (2) overwhelming urge to harm people. Either way, your computer won't be high on your priorities.

from Uncle Luke

A formal complaint about your language - 0 replies

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:55:42 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I would like to make a complaint about this dizzleweed of a website. You are foul, potty-mouthed snoozlebangers. For fudge sakes clean up your act.

Sufferin' succotash!

from Mildred (102), Surrey, UK
P.S. Auntie Richbob is a widdle hopper.

I blue my marriage - 0 replies

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:36:53 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I model myself on Tobias Funke. I blue myself before going to work. I wear cut-offs to avoid being naked and all of my sentences are laced with homosexual innuendo.

However my bride to be tells me she is not happy for me to stand beside her in church, painted blue and wearing cut-offs, saying "I'd like to get my ring around that chubby analry."

Why not?

from Toby (42), Bristol, UK
---
Psindy comments...

Thanks to Springfield Punx.

Help me improve my text life - 2 replies

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 15:02:41 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My boyfriend wants me to talk dirty to him by SMS! I don't even know where to begin. Got any pointers?

from Alison (17), Kentucky, US
P.S. What does IWFUA mean?
---

Dear Alison,

"Cock" is a textonym of "anal". Hope that helps.

I don't know what IWFUA means. Perhaps "I would fuck U assuredly", "It works for us adults" or "In Wales, farmers use aftershave".

from Professor Tommy

---

Dear Alison,

Your boyfriend may be slightly more 'alternative' than you think.

IWFUA can mean a number of things.

Normally:

"I Wank [off (or indeed, 'off to' which would be marginally better)] Fucking Ugly Apes"

But sometimes:

"I Want Fudgey UnderArms" - have you ever seen Splosh magazine? You might want to get hold of a copy for him.

Also:

"I'm Waiting For Uncle Alfie" (What was the context? Does he want to play incest games?)

The final interpretation to be possibly extrapolated from such a nonsensical string of characters is as follows:

"I fuckin love text sex and I'm cumin as I text so can't type any more"

Good luck!

GHALKJDSFGY

from Uncle Luke

---
Lindsay comments...

Ah! That explains why my husband suggested watching "An anal and balls story" - well, partly...

Who will I marry? - 1 reply

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 10:42:03 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm getting pretty disenchanted with the whole business of dating. I'm starting to feel like I'll never marry. Will there ever be another man in my life and if so, what will he be like? Where will I meet him?

from Sarah (34), Cumberland, UK
---

Dear Sarah,

I am getting strong vibes about your future but it would help if you could send some form of personal possession such as a pair of your knickers or a cast of your breasts, for me to use as a trigger.

You will indeed meet another man and you my even become romantically entwined. He will be taller than you, with short hair and his first name will contain from 1 to 3 syllables.

He will eat pizza, wear jeans and take an interest in at least one sport. You'll probably meet him somewhere public. He will speak English, perhaps with a northern accent. He'll be between 30 and 45 years old.

Good luck.

from Psychic Psindy

Fund raising for my poor invalid child - 1 reply

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 00:18:50 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm a single dad who loves his daughter but so far this year my baby girl has suffered arthritis, prostate cancer and athlete's foot. Before Christmas she had both legs amputated at the knees, and last Easter she lost both of her parents. Because she's had such a rough time of it I would really like to throw her a massive birthday party. Does your website gift money to well deserving causes? About £13,500 should cover it.

from Dwain (34), London
P.S. She's also expressed a dying wish to meet Jenna Jameson. Can that be arranged?
---

Dear Dwain,

I'd be glad to contribute, but as I am American and you are British, one of us will probably end up getting taxed quite heavily for the transaction. Add to that the fact that the dollar is taking a beating against the pound, it would probably end up that you would have to pay me for me to pay you. So, ummmm, no can do, I'm afraid.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Hit the what? - 1 reply

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:07:37 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm proud to be a contributor to this fine site. But I'm afraid I have a confession to make: I really don't understand the title "Hit the Spoof." Is it a British joke that I'm just not getting? I *am* the American auntie, after all, and Americans just don't get British humor (or spelling) sometimes.

Any information you could provide would be much appreciated.

from Auntie Kaitlin (28), USA! USA! USA!
---

Dear Auntie Kaitlin,

I don't know for sure, but perhaps the title's similarity to "Hit the poof" is designed to establish this as a gay bashing site. Personally I'd have gone for "Smash the spoof's face in with an axe" but the domain name was taken.

from Mrs Ginger

Seedy ways for lesbians to meat - 0 replies

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 23:15:43 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm a young lesbian but I hate gay bars, pride marches and anything covered in rainbows. I'm much more partial to covert celebrations of sexuality such as cottaging and female acapella groups.

What opportunities are there for me to meet lesbians whilst maintaining an element of shame and huggermuggery? If 'ginger' is cockney rhyming slang for 'queer', should I rush to Wolverhampton for Gingerfest? Where else can I find pockets of lesbian activity?

from May (37), Coventry, UK

Help? Maybe.... Yeah i think so - 0 replies

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:25:41 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Hello, I have a problem but I don't know what that problem is. Is this normal?

Is it normal to ask what my problem is?

Have I asked what my problem is?

Do you know what my problem is?

Are the answers to my problem, that's if I have one, down the back of the sofa? I have a sofa.

OK so I've typed this in but how do I send it? ooh I see!

from Perry Munchburger (37), Didcot, UK

How to lose my granny tranny reputation - 1 reply

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 01:10:47 GMT

Dear Aunties,

When I was just a boy, I was cast as a cross-dressing granny grabber in a blockbuster movie. What steps can I take to shake my granny-tranny image?

from Danny (19), UK
---

Dear Danny,

Before I can answer this question, I'll need to know what movie it was. And where I can rent it.

from Professor Tommy

Dead cock - donating body to science with dignity - 1 reply

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 22:11:45 GMT

Dear Aunties,

When I die, I want to donate my body to science. However I don't want anybody to see my dead cock. Can this be arranged?

from Steven (47), Yorkshire, UK
---

Dear Steven,

This is a question I'm asked time and again. The solution is to have your penis surgically removed whilst you are still alive.

On another note, your horoscope for this month says that it's time to say goodbye to a treasured friend. However I do not know enough about you to understand the meaning of this bizarre cryptic message.

from Psychic Psindy

Falling Star - 1 reply

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:23:01 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm a has-been reality TV star whose profile is falling rapidly. What can I do to bounce back up the fame ladder?

from Anonymous, UK
---

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know how they do it in the UK, but has-been stars in the US often regain their fame by appearing in a reality show for has-been stars. This often involves one of the following three things:

(1) moving into a house with other has-been stars and having your life taped,

(2) having cameras follow you around as you try to find a spouse, or

(3) competing against other has-been stars by performing extreme or disgusting stunts.

If you can't do this, get caught doing something scandalous or auction off something scandalous on eBay. This will get you the news coverage you want!

from Auntie Kaitlin

Which four wives do I keep? - 1 reply

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:18:18 GMT

Dear Aunties,

The courts have ordered me to divorce all but four of my wives. How do I choose which ones to keep and how do I tell the 82 runners up that, through no fault of their own, they will soon find themselves sans husband?

from MBA (84), Nigeria
---

Dear MBA,

I'd consider contacting a television network. This is a reality show in the making!

from Auntie Kaitlin

To auntie or not to auntie - 1 reply

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 16:36:20 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Is there a verb meaning "to auntie?" And if so, how is it spelt?

If not, what verb would you use to describe the valuable work that you do here?

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

There is no verb "auntie". Alphabetically, the nearest verb is "aurify", which means "turn into gold". I think that's a damn good description of our work.

from Professor Tommy

I'm Afraid of Naked People - 2 replies

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:04:36 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Nobody, not even my fiance, knows that I am terrified of naked people. However, with my wedding looming, my secret may no longer be safe.

How can I enjoy my wedding night without seeing my hubbie naked, and what can I do about the bridesmaid who just won't be told not to book me a stripper?

from Susan (24), London
---

Dear Susan,

What do you do when you take a shower or bath? If you've managed a strategy that gets you through those, I'd suggest doing the same for your wedding night. If that doesn't work, maybe you can convince him that you're really into blindfolds.

from Auntie Kaitlin

---

Dear Susan,

I'm a naturist. And I know where you live.

SOON

from Uncle Luke

Feeling Chick - Debilitating Phobia - 1 reply

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 20:39:36 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm afraid of chickens. Not just alive ones but any form. I have to cross the Cowley road to avoid KFC! Help me!

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

I think the problem you have is a disease called 'vegetarianism'. It is a horrible mind affecting affliction. Get to a doctor right away before it gets any worse, or you spread it to someone else!

from Auntie Richbob

Life, liberty and the pursuit of hamsters - 1 reply

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:46:44 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My next door neighbour, a keen animal rights activist, has a vicious pet cat who has, thus far, killed three of my homing pigeons, my daughter's hamster and many assorted wild rodents.

In the interest of numbers and animal welfare, should I insist that the cat is destroyed?

from Debbie (32), Dorset, UK
---

Dear Debbie,

It's an interesting question: animals, we now accept, have the right to be treated humanely, but does that extend to their treatment at the hands (paws) of other animals? And then on the other side, do they have the right to follow their instincts, even when those instincts lead them to kill? I don't have the right to follow all my instincts, but then I know I should control them, unlike a cat.

One way to balance the rights of the cat with the rights of the pigeons, hamster and rodents would be to say that the pigeons and hamster acquired the right to protection when you and your daughter undertook to look after them. So the cat should be allowed to kill as many wild rodents as it likes, but if it kills your animals, it's your fault and you should be put down.

from Professor Tommy

Bird just won't croak - 1 reply

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:34:17 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Despite my best efforts, my girlfriend just won't die. I've tried sneaking poison into her food, infecting her with diseases, pushing her in front of moving vehicles and carving her up with a turkey knife, but she always manages to pull through.

I can't stand going out with her; she does my head in and want to move on but don't want to break up because I'm afraid of hurting her.

from Bernard (27), Suffolk, UK
---

Dear Bernard,

If she's survived poison, disease, road traffic accidents and stabbing, she may be immortal. There tend to be nasty consequences for humans who mess about with the gods: I'd stay with her and be nice.

from Professor Tommy

Perfection - Can it be beaten? - 1 reply

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:50:01 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Can there ever be such a thing as MORE perfect? I've been thinking about this for a few hours now and it's doing my head in.

from Sarah
---

Dear Sarah,

Stop being pedantic, of course things can be more perfect. Perfect = 100% and it is well-known that Manchester United players give 110%, so they are more than perfect. QED. Shut up, go home, you are wrong!

from Auntie Richbob

Lesbian Pussies and Gay Bitches - 1 reply

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:47:21 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My friend is making slanderous comments about the sexual orientation of my cat. I will love my cat unconditionally but I am afraid that he'll be rejected by feline society and ridiculed by homophobic cats.

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

Dogs are male, cats are female so all cats are lesbians.

from Auntie Richbob

Nob Job - Have I blown my degree? - 1 reply

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:45:15 GMT

Dear Aunties,

In my finals I wrote "I want to lick my nob" ten times, do you think I'll still pass?

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

Well of course you will pass (provided you are studying English.)

from Auntie Richbob

Ginger Sneers - Is hair colour linked to IQ? - 2 replies

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:42:03 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am a little Korean girl who due to an unexpected result from highlighting has turned blonde. Does this mean I have automatically become dumb?

from Little Korean Girl
---

Dear Little Korean Girl,

No, there is no link between hair colour and intelligence, expect if you are ginger in which case you are dumb for not changing it.

from Auntie Richbob

---

Dear Little Korean Girl,

There can never be too many blondes walking the earth. Fact.

Screw what they say about global warming. If there were 20 billion blondes, I wouldn't mind the heat.

from Brad the Lad

Poo-poo Boo-boo - I'm a tortured victim! - 1 reply

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:41:37 GMT

Dear Aunties,

We all know that in this day and age, verbal abuse has taken the place as the chief cause of psychological harm to our ever vulnerable and sensitive population. Damage suffered can take the form of low self-esteem, ostricisation and even the questioning of one's existence. I myself was victim to such slanderous vocalisations recently and have suffered pangs of inner most resentment towards myself and the perpetrator of this act ever since.

What then, do you suggest about the fact that I was called a 'poo-poo head' and never apologised to?

from Worried (19), Cowley
---

Dear Worried,

A poo-poo head? What sort of immature, unintelligent person did you talk to? You are clearly a very sad individual. If you think that poo-head is an insult or if you are getting worried about 'insults' from a small child, then there is clearly no hope for you.

Stop wasting my time and let me answer questions from people with real problems. And you are a wee-wee head.

from Auntie Richbob

Date Fear - 1 reply

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:12:06 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Since I watched "Fear Factor" eating dates has reminded me of eating cockroaches and thus spoiled what was once a pleasure.

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

It is not considered polite to attempt to eat people on a first date.

I suggest you reconsider the types of people you ask out and go for the ones that look less tasty, at least until you've overcome your fear.

from Auntie Richbob

Don't SuperPoke My Bloke - 1 reply

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 02:11:58 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My boyfriend is having SuperPoke! with another girl. First he blew her a kiss, then she showed him her spicy side, he responded by spanking her so she flung a thong at him.

When they publicly debate Marmite like this, it feel as if I've had a gummy bear thrown at my heart but they say it is harmless! Am I right to feel as if I've been struck by an army of sheep?

from Jenny (19), Devon, UK
---

Dear Jenny,

Fortunately, your problem can also be your solution. The next time she decides to show PDA with, flirt with or dominate him, you can b!*$% slap, pinch or drop the people's elbow on her. Good luck!

from Auntie Kaitlin

Digital Camera Removes Clothes - 1 reply

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 10:02:17 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My digital camera removes clothes. I don't mean that it actually takes them off the people. I mean I take photos of people wearing clothes and when I download them onto my computer, all of the people in them are naked.

You may think that this is a good thing, and sure enough, I plan to take my magic camera to the next Kings Chix concert, but for now, it is a disaster.

Before realising its special properties, I took the camera to my girlfriend's gran's 90th birthday. Most of the guests had never seen a digital one before and looked at their (clothed) bodies in the view finder with excitement, asking when they could get copies.

Then I took photos of my nephew's school play for my brother, who couldn't be there himself.

What am I going to tell all these people? If they see these photos they'll think I'm one of those sick freaks who grafts their friends' heads onto porn stars bodies!

from Toby (26), London
---

Dear Toby,

In an increasingly competitive market, mnaufacturers of digital cameras have had to become inventive. Your "clothing enhancement" mode is probably accidentally set to "naked". Just switch it to "casual" - that should be good for most situations. Or you could try "Father Christmas outfits" or "stitched fig leaves" for more adventurous shots.

from Professor Tommy

Cheap Burial - 1 reply

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:57:40 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I saw, on the BBC, that a couple got married for £480. Is there a way I can bury my husband for less than 5% of the average cost of a funeral?

from Cherie (34), Hertfordshire, UK
---

Dear Cherie,

When Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman's characters died in that movie "The Bucket List," they were buried in coffee tins. I'm sure that could be an affordable solution. Granted, they were buried on top of the Himalayas, but I wouldn't recommend that - it would bring up your cost significantly.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Who can I mock? - 2 replies

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 14:37:13 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have a wicked sense of humour but being politically correct is important to me. If I can't make fun of the gays, the blacks or the jews, who can I poke fun at?

from Graham (32), Berkshire, UK

---

Dear Graham,

You are quite right not to discriminate against people based on sexuality, colour or religion. The last thing you want to be seen as is bigoted.

However it is perfectly fine to make fun of the working classes, as long as they are young, white and straight. Members of this underclass are called chavs. They hang out on street corners drinking spirits and all have babies in their teens.

Chav comedy is socially encouraged and I'm sure you'll find plenty of inspiration in Berkshire. Have fun!

from Mrs Ginger

---

Dear Graham,

Don't tell Dubya that I told you this, but if you get tired making fun of chavs, Americans are also an easy target. Although Americans enjoy suing people, they also don't get British humor (or spelling, as you can see) and think everything sounds really classy in a British accent, so they probably won't realize that you're mocking them. Enjoy!

from Auntie Kaitlin

---
rt comments...

I am employed to discriminate against car drivers on a daily basis. As indeed Ken Livingstone seemed to be. Whether such people are predisposed to such a condition remains under question, however. If they can't help the way they are then I guess it's bad to discriminate against them. Big carbon footprints in general are definitely pokefunable.

---
rt comments...

p.s. I've been wondering today if "motherhood and apple pie" should simply be "parenthood and pie", so as not to discriminate against other pie fillings (including men)?

Key to tabloid success? - 1 reply

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 16:52:23 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm the assistant editor of a tabloid newspaper and our sales are decreasing rapidly. What can we do to get more readers?

from A.N. Executive (53), London
---

Dear A.N. Executive,

Try commissioning a Princess Dianna supplement and if that fails, a pull out artist's projection of Maddie McCann at 16.

from Mrs Ginger

My girlfriend kissed a girl and she liked it - 3 replies

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 17:24:26 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My girlfriend kissed a girl and then wrote a hit single about how much she liked it.

Why do I feel insecure? Is it because I'm jealous of her success?

from Anonymous
---

Dear Anonymous,

Don't worry, everybody knows that two girls kissing is meaningless. They're only brave enough to do it when they've had a drink, and you can't read much into anything anybody's ever done when their inhibitions were lowered.

If she's written a song about it, then your girlfriend has obviously noticed that lesbianism is a turn on for men and is becoming better attuned to your desires. You should thank her for giving you wank fodder.

Next time, ask for pictures.

from Mrs Ginger

---

Dear Anonymous,

Why not do a follow-up single?

Anyone remember that couple (supposedly) who released the song YEARS ago about the guy having cheated on her or something... Well that was the same song, same tune, but the two of them had different words. The world (ie Uncle Luke) hated them for doing it, but they made a lot of money. Your options include, but are not limited to:

"She kissed a girl and she liked it" (a melancholic exposition of the folorn tale of a broken heart)

"She kissed a girl and I liked it" (if you had happy time about it on your own later)

"She kissed a girl and then licked it" (if the kissing developed into something more)

And the slightly more sinister:

"She kissed a girl and I killed them"

Good luck!

from Uncle Luke

---

Dear Anonymous,

I must say that I concur with Uncle Luke on this one. It is, of course, the way that Sean "Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy" Combs got so famous - he rereleased songs that were basically the same song, just with him rapping on top of the original track. And look at the sweet lifestyle he lives now. See you at the top of the charts!

from Auntie Kaitlin

Get Lost Emails - 1 reply

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 03:25:42 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My emails never reach people. Why is this happening?

from Rod Viagralli-Wristwatch-Pharmaceutical (57), Kent, UK
---

Dear Rod Viagralli-Wristwatch-Pharmaceutical,

That's strange. Have you checked your Outlook settings? Also, Gmail's been down lately, so that may be another reason.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Telling Porkies - Love or glory? - 1 reply

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:21:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

There are only two things that are important to me in this world: my girlfriend Phoebe and biggest eater competitions.

I recently came top in my regional pork pie eating contest and have secured a place in the nationals. However I told Phoebe, who is Jewish, that I had stopped eating pork, and I have done, apart from contests and training.

Will I have to choose between my two great passions? What would you do in my situation?

from Nick (20), Lincolnshire, UK
---

Dear Nick,

It seems to me you have two separate challenges: the first is to train yourself up in readiness for the national contest; the second is to stop Phoebe worrying about how kosher you are.

My recommendation is to eat Phoebe, thus killing two birds with one stone.

from Professor Tommy

Blue Blood - Will kids inherit freak hair? - 1 reply

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My sister's hair went blue when she reached adulthood. I did not suffer from the affliction and, being nine years older than her, am hopeful that I never will.

However I am concerned that the disorder might get passed to my children through recessive genetics. How can I find out if I'm a carrier?

from SC (28), Oxford, UK
---

Dear SC,

I don't know about the UK, but back in the 90s American kids used to dye their hair with Kool-Aid. (I also don't know if you have Kool-Aid - it's a technicolor powdered drink mix.) Anyway, everyone I knew would walk around with green or blue or purple hair and their plaid flannel shirts and pretend they were grunge rockstars from Seattle.

So far in my life, I've noticed that trends tend to come back in style every 20 years or so - so things that were popular in the 80s are back in fashion now. If you wait at least 2 years to have a kid, you could tell everyone that your kid is hip and retro and everyone will think you're frickin' awesome. Rock on!

from Auntie Kaitlin

Going It Aclone - 3 replies

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:04:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My husband is dying of cancer. If I keep his ear will scientists be able to clone me a new Alfie like they did with Mrs McKinney's dog?

from June (57), Dorset, UK
---

Dear June,

Yes. Well, no. The new Alfie will be like Alfie's identical twin. He won't know the same stuff, he won't necessarily fall in love with you, but he'll be very similar to the old Alfie. Oh, and you'll need to do this in some dodgy country where it's allowed / ignored.

from Professor Tommy

---

Dear June,

Your new litter of Alfies would be newborns. That means that you would be 74 by the time it was legal to do anything with them.

I know it must be distressing to have your hubby's life cut short but were feeding and changing him really the parts of old age that you were going to cherish?

Cloning will cost you in the region of £500,000 where as my skills as a medium come for as little as £500 per session. It would be over 19 years before our weekly meetings exceeded the cost of cloning and let's face it, at 57 that's a risk you can afford to take.

By all means keep his ear though.

from Mrs Ginger

---

Dear June,

You know what's cheaper than cloning? Therapy.

One more thing: does he have a brother? Or sister, for that matter? I'm sure, that for that amount of money, you could get her to wear a fake beard and a strap-on?

Good luck!

PS Who is Mrs Mckinney? Was she married to the dog???

from Uncle Luke

Which sister's the mum? - 1 reply

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:23:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I don't know which of two women is my child's biological mother.

Last summer I had a brief holiday romance with a girl called Rose and on the last night I got horribly drunk and accidentally slept with her sister, Holly.

I didn't hear from either of them for a year and then out of the blue, Holly called me and told me that she'd given birth to my child. I immediately went to Manchester to see them.

The thing is, I'm starting to suspect that the baby is Rose's. I found out that she has been in a serious relationship for three years and plans to go to university in September, whereas Holly is going nowhere and desperately wants a family and a man in her life.

What do you think I should do?

from Will (19), Birmingham, UK
---

Dear Will,

Get to the States immediately. The USA is home to a number of leading experts in finding out who's your baby's daddy (see, for example, Maury Povich), so I'm sure they could find your baby's mama as well. And if it doesn't work out, you could move to Utah and be a Mormon and all live happily ever after.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Armless - 2 replies

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 23:46:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have to use speech recognition soft wear because I went to the zoo and a fierce Thai girl bit off both my arms.

The amp potato was very painful and now I look like a Hugh Jass.

Do you think anybody could love a freak lychee?

from A Nonny Mouse
---

Dear A Nonny Mouse,

It sounds like the zoo is gill tea of gross negligees - soothe them for minions and fined yours elf ass XE goal digger.

from Professor Tommy

---

Dear A Nonny Mouse,

I like lychees. I like to lick them. I will be dictacted to and type for you if I can lick your lychees.

As an aside - your name fits quite well into the song "Hey nonny nonny". Why not go into the fishing industry?

from Uncle Luke

Intersex Friendships - 1 reply

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 23:40:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Is it possible for a guy to be friends with a girl?

from Guy
---

Dear Guy,

Yes.

from Professor Tommy

Back to basics - Mortifying problem - 1 reply

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 23:38:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I FUCK have a rather WANK embarrassing probTWATlem which makes HAMSTERS' GONADS social situations TIT rather MONKEY TIT awkward. It's really started to effect the VADGEFLAPS impression I make on people. Could you FACETWATTER give me some KNOBTOSS advice on controlling SATAN'S FIERY COCK my posture?

from Blazer Ghough (33), Youthamptin
---

Dear Blazer Ghough,

You could buy a quality office chair, try the Alexander technique, or alternatively sit hard on my monster dong.

from Professor Tommy

Brother has emmit girlfriend - 1 reply

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 23:33:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Ever since God set Tristan and Demelza in The Garden of Cotehele, my ancestors have believed in the Cornish cause. We have never been tainted with the blood of anyone from east or the Tamer and would like to keep it that way.

My brother, the black seagull of the family, went away to university in Plymouth and returned home this summer with a girlfriend who claims to be from Bude. However her passport says that she is British and her toes are so distinctly unwebbed that she can even wear flip flops!

As a little test I shouted "Moaz aman Brea Cambern, toaz trea!" when she got up this morning ("Going up Cambourne Hill Coming Down") and she just looked at me as if I was a crazy woman. I fear the worst.

We are not racist people, we just hate emmits and do not want them under our roof. My brother does seem happy but I believe she has put a Devonian spell on him. How can I break it?

Kernow bys vickan!

from Crewenna Penhalluric (34), Penzance
---

Dear Crewenna Penhalluric,

Don't you people normally invoke Merlin under such circumstances? Or you could put the poor girl in a big wicker man and use her as fuel to cook your pasties.

from Professor Tommy

Formal complaint - Poetic Pergotry - 1 reply

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 22:04:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Aunts, I can only

communicate in haiku:

what is one to do?

from Jessop Frydge (12), Blimming Lambury
---

Dear Jessop Frydge,

Get on Oprah now -

that's what we'd do in the States.

You'll get a book deal!

from Auntie Kaitlin

Party pees - 1 reply

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I pee rainbows on Fridays. At first I was glad to have a talking point but now I have realised it doesn't go down too well at parties (at least not with the host). How can I impress people without being landed with a bill for a through pile shampooing?

from Leviathana B'nana (45), Great Scottsburgh
---

Dear Leviathana B'nana,

Gay pride organisers are always looking to out stage each other with tasteless novelty acts. You might not be outlandish enough but it's worth a try.

from Mrs Ginger

Marshmonster - What is that creature? - 1 reply

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 23:45:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I was walking my pet dog Loganberry out on the marsh the other day and I came across a small green-headed creature with only 2 legs and a funny protruding yellow mouth. Schoolchildren seemed to be throwing bread at it. I have never seen anything like it in all my life! I only know I didn't imagine it because Loganberry tried to mate with it and a feathery tussle ensued.

What was this beast and what could it mean?

from Phalice Cupcake (25), Bulging
---

Dear Phalice Cupcake,

It sounds like you spotted an injured, jealous duck-billed platypus what has had feathers superglued to it by rotters. When pondering the question "Who would do such a thing?" I suggest you look no further than the schoolchildren who are clearly sadistic yet misguided - most forms of bread are soft and will not damage this Australian semi-aquatic mammal.

Alternatively it could be a creature from another planet. Wait and see if aliens pop out of Loganberry's belly and if not, assume you're in Australia.

from Mrs Ginger

Shyness - 1 reply

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 22:26:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

Someone I know is becoming progressively shy. I've been counting the words he says to people and they are decreasing by as many as five point seven per day!

Today he only used fifteen words. By the weekend he will be using negative words!

What will happen to him? Will words actually go back into his mouth? Could that be dangerous? How can I save him?

from SC (28), Oxford, UK
---

Dear SC,

Maybe your friend could start delivering literary theory lectures. When my friends and I go to such lectures we pay negative amounts of attention, so if two negatives really do make a positive (or so they said when I did maths in high school) then it can only mean good things for both of us.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Dating Protocol - When to tell girlfriend awful truth? - 1 reply

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:05:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

When is the correct time to tell a new girlfriend about your conviction for armed robbery?

I've heard that there's a three date rule but we've only been on two dates and I'm not one for breaking the rules.

from Jim (37), London
---

Dear Jim,

It's too bad you're not in the States. We have quite a few prisons, mostly inhabited by white-collar criminals, that are so posh that criminals and drug addicts actually break *in* to them. If you can get into a place like that (I hear HMP Hewell Grange is pretty nice), then why not tell her right away? She might even want to get convicted for something as well, so she can join you on a government-funded vacation.

from Auntie Kaitlin

Dead Keen - How to find a dead body - 2 replies

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 11:59:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

A man in Wales just became a local hero for stumbling across the body of a missing vicar and reporting it to the police. Personally I don't think he earned his fame.

I've been looking for a minimum effort, impressive sounding gesture for months because the girl of my dreams thinks I'm an irresponsible, sick coward.

How can I increase my chances of finding a dead body so that I can capture her attention? Are all corpse finds equally respectable or are some more impressive than others? Will one be enough?

from Nigel, Oxford
---

Dear Nigel,

Well you're certainly living in the right place. If Morse and other famous writings have taught us anything, it's that Oxford is full of crime and there are plenty of murder victims' bodies just waiting to be discovered.

Colleges and libraries are a lot more likely to be beds of corruption than less picturesque locations such as Blackbird Leys and the more pretentious a person, the more likely they are to be surrounded by scandal, so hang out with some distinguished academics.

You would greatly increase your chances of finding a corpse if you got yourself a dog and started walking it in overgrown areas.

It might be hard to top a dead vicar but murder cases in Oxford usually involve 2-3 deaths, so you may well be able to find more than one body. That should be enough to impress any girl. My psychic senses tell me this plan will go down well.

from Psychic Psindy

---

Dear Nigel,

Now... picture these two headlines in turn:

1) "Man finds missing vicar - dead! National acclaim and praise follow!"

2) "Man covers up killing missing vicar by taking on role of national hero."

Now I do not know (nor, in fact, had ever heard) of the story of the Welshman but I'll tell you this - the best way to find a corpse, make it yourself! And if you're not into gun crime, why not make one out of an old fairy-liquid bottle, a pillow and lots of toilet-roll holders? If you wanted to make a super-realistic religious-looking collar, you could probably try some sticky-back plastic.

from Uncle Luke

I think I'm It - 0 replies

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:10:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I am secure in my gender identity as a woman but don't feel gender is important enough to modify language. Therefore I wish to be referred to by the pronoun 'it.'

Is there a word for people like me?

from Robin (32), Surrey

Coming Out to Mum - 0 replies

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:16:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm a 17 year old lesbian and I'm dreading coming out to my mum.

It's difficult to find the right moment because she's always out riding her motorbike, playing rugby or hanging with her friend Ellen.

We've always been close in the past, she even let me design one of her tattoos and shave her head when she couldn't afford a haircut because she'd spent her wages on a trip to Brighton with the girls, but I'm worried that won't understand about my sexuality and will reject me.

What should I do?

from Lucy (17), Berkshire

Add God as Friend - Modern Prayer - 3 replies

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 13:42:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

What is the best way to get in touch with God these days? Praying seems awfully outdated and linear. Does he have Skype or Facebook? There are days when I'd like to throw a sheep at him, but generally I just want to comment on his Psalms.

from Abi (23), London
---

Dear Abi,

I note that you live in London. The best way to communicate with God is therefore to clear your mind and take a few moments to contemplate the ineffable glory of his creation.

For readers in the continental United States, on the other hand, God has a hotline on 1-800-HOLY-HOLY-HOLY. Have your credit card number ready.

from Professor Tommy

---

Dear Abi,

I've heard that God kicks it old-school. Try looking for him on MySpace.

from Auntie Kaitlin

---

Dear Abi,

Apparently his Sunday evening Godcast is quite good but two way interaction with traditional Gods has been slow to move with the times. However Apple's newly announced 'iGod' is anticipated to revolutionise the way we communicate with deities.

from Mrs Ginger

Paranoia, I'm sure - Is hubbie cheating? - 1 reply

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:36:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My husband often works late but the overtime is not reflected in his pay. He comes home smelling of ladies' perfume and sometimes with lipstick on his collar. Sometimes when I answer the phone it goes dead and when I dial 141, the caller has withheld their number. He called me by his secretary's name three times last week and when we make love he asks me to strap a photo of her over my face.

Do you think my hubby might be having an affair and if so, how can I find out who it's with?

from Mavis, The Cotswolds
---

Dear Mavis,

Often, the best way to set these fears at rest is to make discreet inquiries. Is there some work colleague he trusts? Someone who would have a knowledge of his daily timetable? If so, give that person a call and ask if you should be worried. If they say no, it's probably fine.

from Professor Tommy

---
Mavis comments...

It looks like I was barking up the wrong tree. As suggested I made contact with someone my husband trusts, a woman who works in his office. She reassured me that I have nothing to worry about and has actually become a great friend. She was an invaluable source of support when I found I had chlamydia - would you believe that she'd been through the exact same ordeal just last month? Well I never.

Christmas Spirit - 1 reply

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I was wondering if you could tell me what this mist that my mate Mark is sniffing might be. It only appears in photos of us serving Not-Christmas dinner. Is it a spirit or just a trick of the light?

from SC (28), Oxford, UK
---

Dear SC,

The steam-like mist coming from the turkey is definitely a spirit of some sort. It could well be an absent friend who promised to be there in spirit. Alternatively, it could be the ghost of Not-Christmases yet to come, baring coded messages about the future.

from Psychic Psindy

Child Support - 1 reply

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have a new born baby and am having trouble making ends meet. The poor bugger was even born in a stable without proper medical assistance. Is it possible to sue the father for maintenance? I think he has a bob or two.

from Mary, Nazareth
---

Dear Mary,

You can of course sue the father for maintenance. You should get a certain percentage of his crop or herd. However, I hear he has has many virginal baby's mamas. You may only get a lamb... with three legs.

from Judge Gaw

Who is the Christmas father? - 1 reply

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I have a chubby three month old baby with a white beard and rosy cheeks. She's adorable. The problem is, I don't know who the father is as I was drinking a lot over Christmas last year and got around a bit. I don't even have numbers for some of the guys I had pop-pop with. Is there some way I can track them down or will poor little Santy never know who her real father is?

from Anna (23), London
---

Dear Anna,

From a medical perspective, I sympathise with your situation. At this time of year, people do not need to use contraceptives due to the unique high pressure weather conditions generated by Santa on his sleigh creating a barrier that inhibits sperm from ever penetrating an egg. This same mechanism also means it is impossible to get an STD at xmas, no matter how much unprotected sex with diseased whores one chooses to have.

However you seem to be one of the extremely rare individuals who have proved to be an exception to the rule and the only way this is possible is if you are sexually involved somehow in this barrier created by Santa. So your baby must have a very close connection to Santa and his forcefield.

It is clear to me therefore that the father of your baby is Rudolph.

So in future, be cautious whom your choose to festively fuck.

from Dr Alice

Potions - Helping uglies bump uglies since... - 2 replies

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I'm ugly and charmless but very lonely. Do you have any spells or potions that would help me to pick up men?

from Ugly and Charmless (21), UK
---

Dear Ugly and Charmless,

This is definitely a time for magical intervention.

Fortunately a lot of love potions are now commercially available, for example Prada Infusion D'Iris and CKin2U. However if you are unable to obtain one of these then you might like to make your own. Take same lavender, some rosemary and some rose petals, grind together whilst chanting "Je parle des bollocks" (Celtic for "True love be with me") and dab behind your ears.

There are also many spells you can use. For example, when near an object of your affection, recite "Do you come her often?" "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" or "Do you like raisins? How about a date?."

You could also try the ancient pagan practices of washing your hair, shaving your armpits or cutting five inches off your skirt.

I've had some psychic visions and I can tell you're soon to experience some positive changes, perhaps to your scent. manner or appearance.

from Psychic Psindy

---

Dear Ugly and Charmless,

The breast implant spell is quite effective. You begin it by writing a check and after a little minor surgery you will be able to spellbind men. Of course you will still be ugly but at least you'll have descent cans.

from Brad the Lad

Girlfriend has bird flu - 1 reply

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My bird has the flu. Does she need to be slaughtered? And if not, how else can I get rid of the bitch in time for mistletoe merriment?

from Bernard (27), Suffolk, UK
---

Dear Bernard,

Your situation is clearly a difficult one. H5N1 is the strain of bird flu that has been plaguing parts of Suffolk recently and I imagine that your bird has contracted this. Thankfully, animals with this virus are still perfectly edible and so I suggest forceably fattening her up over the next few days and then slaughtering her in time to carve her up at your xmas table.

Do bear in mind however, that humans don't taste so good with cranberry sauce. Might I suggest mint sauce as an alternative.

If you have a spare place at your table I would also love to pop round. I spend so much time carving sick people open but never getting to taste them, no matter how intrigued I am.

from Dr Alice

Over my undead body - Girlfriend is a zombie - 2 replies

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My two greatest fears in life are losing my long-term girlfriend and being turned into a Zombie. Therefore I've always been careful to show understanding to my partner, and avoided situations in which I might get infected by a zombie.

The problem is that my girlfriend has recently been bitten and become a member of the undead. I can't help but feel that her being a zombie and me not has put a considerable emotional distance between us, which has put a great strain on our relationship.

I'm tempted to just ignore my zombie fear, let myself be bitten and join her, hoping that this will bring us back together. However, there's always the risk that the distance between us will remain no matter what I do.

Can the damage to our relationship be undone by being undead?

from Ted (28)
---

Dear Ted,

Don't panic! There are many happy mixed-life couples. Perhaps your fear comes from a lack of understanding. Try talking to some of your girlfriend's undead colleagues - but don't get too close. You and your girlfriend should also work at compromising with each other. If you have spaghetti bolognese one night, perhaps you could have brains the next.

from Professor Tommy

---

Dear Ted,

The undead can be uncommunicative, aggressive and incapable of showing affection. Have you considered the more plausible explanation, that your "girlfriend" has been turned into a man?

from Psychic Psindy

Terrorism concerns at Christmas - 2 replies

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I've heard that a big man plans to sneak into my house, steal mince pies, vegetables and booze then leave suspicious packages under my tree. I've tried telling the police but they just don't take me seriously. I'm deeply concerned about the safety of my family. What can I do to keep Santa out this Christmas?

from Julie (37), London
---

Dear Julie,

You can never make your house 100% Santa-proof, but there are several ways of improving security. An environmentally-friendly way of keeping reindeer numbers low is to use their natural predators - arctic wolves. Keeping two or three hungry wolves in an enclosure on your roof will discourage the pests from landing. There are also various inexpensive ways of trapping Santa before he's able to make off with your comestibles: lining the inside of your chimney with barbed wire and lacing the mince pies with cyanide can both be effective.

from Professor Tommy

---

Dear Julie,

I spy paranoia! I love it when I spot a schizo - they're not as common as you may think.

Get some old-fashioned meds for your psychosis and you may well find that before too long, you'll be just as porky as the fellow you're hallucinating.

from Jayne Fott

Cracking fun - Orgasm problem - 2 replies

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

I orgasm whenever I hear a Christmas cracker. Why is this and how can I stop it from happening before I embarrass myself?

from Jenny (23), Norfolk, UK
---

Dear Jenny,

Many seem to have this problem around the holidays. Particularly those who have unfortunately chosen men who orgasm immediately after the pull.

Suggestion... find a man with a drinking problem and invest in shower massage handle.

from Judge Gaw

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Dear Jenny,

A different suggestion: do not spend Christmas around family. Instead, open an 'Alternative' sex club, for all those with similar holiday-related fetishes. A couple that come to mind: "Santa Claus will make me happy with a toy on Christmas Day", "Christmas pudding sets my crotch on fire" or the ever popular "I'll be your run-run rudolph if you'll suck on my Chrismtas baubles."

Would suggest charging £10 entry with free Christmas-tree shaped butt plug. Happy Holidays!

from Uncle Luke

Soul Sister - Can widower start dating again? - 2 replies

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Dear Aunties,

My wife died last week and I want to know if I have her blessing to start dating again. Also, her sister Sandy would like to know how she feels about her borrowing her dressing gown.

from Barry (47), Wales
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Dear Barry,

Your wife is with me now. She says fuck off you selfish bastard. Grieve for her forever and then some more and don't even think about shagging someone else in your marital bed.

However, she admits that a little light flirting with her sister could be flattering but only if you squint and pretend it's her. Dressing Sandy in your dead wife's dressing gown might facilitate this so I'd say, go for it.

from Psychic Psindy

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Dear Barry,

It sounds to me as though you have issues surrounding people leaving you, probably rooting from your childhood.

The fact that your daddy left when you were five, making you wet the bed until you were 12, doesn't necessarily mean that everybody you get close to will abandon you too.

Is your wife really dead? Go on, have a check. I think you might be pleasantly surprised.

from Jayne Fott