All right. You’ve had some down time, and you are no longer terrified of putting yourself out there. Or maybe you’re terrified, but you’re still willing to go through with it. Good for you! Give yourself a pat on the back for all the work you’ve done to get to this point. It’s never easy, but it’s certainly worthwhile.

With the help of your new social network, you can now start searching for that special someone. You didn’t build up a network in order to do this, but it’s a good start toward dating again. People always want to help, and who doesn’t like to play matchmaker?

It’s really important that you send out positive vibrations at this point in your life. This is a new adventure and a new start for you.

5 Tips For Finding That Someone

1. Before you can get what you want, you have to know what you want.
Do you want to casually date, or do you want something more? Be honest with yourself. If all you want is a good time, that’s all right. If you want a long-term relationship and feel you have a lot to offer and that you’re up for it, then great. Tell your friends that’s what you want. If they know someone, perhaps they can introduce you. It’s a start.

2. What are your absolutely will-not–comprise requirements?
Even if you’re casually dating, you still don’t want to waste your time. If bald men or hairy women turn you off, be honest about it. Physical appearance might not be the most important thing, but it is important. At a minimum, you want someone you can talk to, so you should have something in common with the person you’re meeting. If you want something more than a fun date, your requirements will probably be somewhat stringent. The requirements might change, but you need to be clear about what you want now. Discuss these things with your friends. Write them down if you’re considering online dating (more about that in Part 7). If you decide that the person you want must love art or climb mountains, then join clubs and groups with those interests.

3. Expand your social network.
Your interests are probably expanding and changing, so go out there and find activities that might interest you. Find out about recreational activities in your area. Get involved in social action, and volunteer with the kind of people who intrigue you. Create a profile on Facebook, MySpace, or other Web sites that encourage local connections.

4. If there is someone at work or in your social network who interests you, don’t be shy.
Approach that person. Ask him or her out for coffee. Don’t throw yourself at anyone, and don’t come on strong, but be friendly and helpful. Wait for them to show interest in you.

5. Spruce yourself up.
Get a new haircut. Buy some new clothes in colors or styles you’ve never worn before. Shows like TLC’s “What Not to Wear” can be useful for changing your look, and so can many books and Web sites. Remember, the new look has to be yours alone. Keep it smart and clean, but have a bit of flare. Go shopping with a friend for feedback. If you plan to use online-dating sites, you’ll need an updated photograph. It’s also a great confidence booster to have one professional photograph of yourself. Put effort into how you present yourself both in the real world and the online world. Having a new look signals to others that you are ready for a new life!

[Photo by GaetanLee]

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Here’s the bottom line: the best way to meet people is to go out there and do it. Yes, it can be scary. After all, before you were part of a couple. Now, getting out alone is daunting. But think of the advantages! You can do whatever you want to do without consulting anyone. And yes, they do allow single people into movies, restaurants, art galleries, and other public places. It’s all right to go to a party alone, even if you are the only single person there. I’ve never seen a “couples only” sign anywhere.

Build Your Comfort

At first, you might feel awkward. Everyone may treat you just a bit differently, but you won’t meet anyone by just sitting at home. Introduce yourself to new people. You don’t need to explain your current marital status to anyone. In fact, you don’t need to talk about it at all. If you can get out there with friends, great, but you can do this on your own, too.

Make new friends because you are building a network, not because you are looking for that special someone. The special someone might come through your network, but that’s not its purpose. A network provides you with emotional support, understanding, and people with shared interests. It can be as large or as small as you wish.

Here are 5 tips to build a strong new network:

1. Keep your old friends, including married ones, if you can.
It’s important. Old friends are your foundation. Don’t make them choose between you and your spouse. There might be a friend or two who may not want to continue the friendship, and that’s all right. You may find that you don’t have the same interests you once did, and you might grow apart from other friends–again, that’s all right. You might even consider rekindling an old friendship with someone you lost touch with. The main thing is to keep as many of your current friends around as you can for support.

2. Find a newly single, friendly, faith-based community.
It might not be a formal place of worship, but do find an outlet that will let you connect with your faith. It could simply be like-minded people getting together to look at the moon or walk in the woods. This is a good time to explore new spiritual possibilities or connect deeply with old spiritual roots. If you feel comfortable at your former place of worship, stay there. If not, explore other possibilities.

3. Volunteer your time and energy to a cause or organization you believe in.
This can be immensely rewarding. It can give you a sense of purpose and set up opportunities to meet other like-minded people. It’s also great way to build a social network.

4. Rekindle an old interest.
Remember what you liked to do before you were married? What was your favorite activity in high school? What haven’t you done in years that you used to enjoy? Now go out and do it. You may not be as good at it as you once were, but you might surprise yourself. Find other people with similar interests. Join a group or take a class.

5. Take a risk.
Have you ever wanted to parachute out of a plane, go bungee jumping, take up drumming, or join a choir? What’s the one thing you’ve always thought would be fun that your parents, ex-spouse, or society frowned upon? Now is the time to do just that.

Strength Comes with Time

Slowly but surely, you’ll build your new network. Pursue your interests, and don’t discount anything. Make friends with everyone you can. Don’t forget–you’re able to stand on your own, so look for the things and people that will provide the strongest and best support for you.

[Photo by wonder_j]

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We all hope the economy’s going to bulk up soon, but for now, my personal budget would look a whole lot better if my meals du jour were ramen and plain white bread. There’s only one thing missing from those foods, though–nutrients.

Want a healthy meal AND a healthy wallet? The best way to do this is to buy vegetables and fruit in season, stay on the lookout for bargains, go for the generic rather than the brand names, and always, ALWAYS bring a list (and stick to it!).

Here are 10 foods that are both healthy and cheap:

1. Lentils

An ancient food–filling, versatile, easy to prepare, and usable in almost everything. Prepare lentils as a stuffing or in a stir-fry, curry, chili, soup, or stew. They go with almost any spice base, and they’re rich in fiber, protein, iron, potassium, and magnesium. Buy in bulk.

2. Oatmeal

It’s great as a cereal with a bit of cinnamon and brown sugar or honey. It’s also great as a simple topping for a fruit Betty or oatmeal cookies. And it’s got lots of fiber. Buy in bulk.

3. Quinoa

It’s an ancient grain from South America, and it’s also a boon for anyone who is gluten-intolerant. It’s great in salads or in any fried or baked vegetable dish. It’s rich in protein, iron, potassium, phosphorus, and magnesium. I buy it from large bins.

4. Peanuts

They’re a great source of protein and a great snack, but you can also toss them in stir-fries or use them for baking or sauces. Buy natural peanut butter for a fast, nutritious snack.

5. Yogurt

It’s one of the best sources for calcium out there. Yogurt makes a great breakfast with seasonal fruit or bananas, but it also makes a great dip with cut vegetables. Buy the large, plain kind–store or generic brands are best. Avoid pricey individual containers. Read labels to make sure the yogurt is low-fat with no added sugar.

6. Beans

A great source of protein, beans are good in almost any dish. Beans with brown rice have a complete perfect protein, and beans in general make a wonderful salad. If you’re concerned about gas, soak them.

7. Apples

So many varieties, and endlessly versatile. They’re a good source of fiber. An apple can be a snack, part of a salad, a sauce, baked with vegetables, or used with chicken or pork. They are cheaper if you buy them locally or in bags.

8. Beets

It’s been said that we eat with our eyes, and the bright red color of beets is a delight. I bake them with other seasonal vegetables and apples. I also love borsht with sour cream. They contain antitoxins and are a nutrition powerhouse, with vitamins A, B, C, iron, potassium, fiber, calcium, magnesium, copper, phosphorus, and sodium.

9. Kale

It’s a late winter and early spring treat that is rich in folic acid, beta carotene, and vitamin A. Chop and add it to a stir-fry.

10. Squash

Squash is available year-round and often locally. It can be baked, mashed, cut up in chunks, fried, and used as part of a stir-fry, soup, stew, curry, or chili. Experiment with different varieties and recipes. My favorite is butternut squash with coconut milk and curry.

Helpful Sources

Here are two Web sites with alternatives to buying at a grocery store:

Cooperative Grocer Directory

Alternatives to the Grocery Store

[Photo by natesteiner]

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Forgiveness–it doesn’t have to be a dirty word. A divorce is a very painful process, but you have the power to break out and move on to huge successes.

In order to break out, you need to forgive. You need to take what was good from your marriage into your next relationship and deal with the inevitable bitterness. If you remain bitter, you will attract others like yourself. Learn to forgive and love.

Take the Next Step

Forgiveness is a crucial step in coming to terms with your divorce. It’s the best way to move forward, but it isn’t easy, and you shouldn’t do it flippantly. It can be a long process. After all, you have given a certain amount of years, support, time, and energy to a relationship, and it’s only human that you would feel bitter, let down, and even angry.

You can forgive even if your ex never apologized and even if you are still angry. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, and it doesn’t mean giving excuses for behavior. It means that even if you don’t understand why he or she hurt you, you understand that he or she is human, that there is a reason for what happened (even if you have no idea what it is), and that mistakes are made. Love, marriage, and divorce are emotional events–not logical events–and sometimes awful things happen.

Here are 5 tips to help:

1. Face up to what happened.
Face what the betrayal was, why you feel so hurt, and why you feel angry. Don’t deny what happened. Feel the pain. Write it down, or draw pictures. Talk to a caring adult about it. Don’t sugarcoat it. If you are hurt, admit to being hurt.

2. Forgive yourself.
You can’t forgive anyone else if you don’t forgive yourself first. State what you feel you did that was hurtful. Say you are sorry to your ex–but most importantly to yourself as well. Realize that you are human and capable of making mistakes.

3. Do it for your children.
Bitter parents raise unhappy children. You need to forgive for them. If your ex did something terrible, they will eventually find out–but if you can, don’t let them find out from you. Be honest at the same time. It’s all right to say, “I don’t understand it.” Your children need to learn from your forgiveness.

4. There is no rush or time limit.
It needs to be true forgiveness, and that can take time. It’s a lot of soul-searching. Work on it every day. You can get help, but only you know how to do what you need to do.

5. When you are ready, forgive.
It may be over the phone, face-to-face, or in writing. It can be as long or as short as you would like it to be. State how you feel and explain that you may not understand the situation fully, but you forgive him/her. The only rule is that it must be heartfelt and sincere.

Part 4 of this series will be Building a New Network.

[Photo by BRANDIlane]

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Before you move forward in your newly single journey, you need to be spiritually centered with your new identity. You’re not the same person you were before you were married or even during your marriage. You were one half of a twosome, and that’s the way people saw you. Now, you’re a single entity.

The temptation is to go out and find someone so that you can be part of a twosome again and regain your status. Resist it! Before you can find anyone else, you need to find yourself. You need to be centered and feel validated. No one else can do this for you. It’s the most difficult work in the world, but it must be done.

Here are five tips to help find your equilibrium:

1. Journal.
Write down your feelings, including ones that make you ashamed. Write about your old life, what you miss about it, and what you don’t miss. Write about your new life, too. Write as often as you can and in any form you want. You don’t have to use words to journal; you can use images or your own drawings. Remember–you never need to show your journal to anyone, and you don’t even need to read it over again if you don’t want to.

2. Allow yourself to feel the pain.
It’s all right to feel depressed, jilted, betrayed, angry, or relieved. Feel whatever it is you are feeling. Don’t pretend. Next to the death of a spouse, divorce is the most catastrophic event that can happen to anyone. If you have children, you can still tell them that the process is hard without criticizing your ex.

3. Keep the good memories, even if your ex doesn’t see them the same way you do.
You are entitled to anything good that happened in your former relationship. You can cherish the good without deluding yourself. Your ex may see things differently, but that’s OK. Everyone has a different perspective. Chances are, if you stayed in the relationship for more than a year, it was because there was something worthwhile in it. Just because the outcome wasn’t what you wanted doesn’t mean it was all bad.

4. Spend quality time with yourself.
Take a bubble bath, walk alone in the woods, do something creative or athletic, listen to music, or do whatever brings you joy. You need to get to know yourself better.

5. Remember–there is no set time limit on how long this process will take.
You may find yourself relapsing–feeling happy one day and depressed and bitter the next. There may be days or even weeks when you feel you are past all the hurt and pain, but then seeing a couple together or hearing an old song might bring back the old emotions. That’s all right. This isn’t a straight line.

Part 3 of this series will be, “Forgiving and Coming to Terms with Your Divorce.”

[Photo by neoliminal]

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When you’re alone after a divorce, finding someone new can be either a challenge or an adventure. This is the first of a 10-part series on navigating the dating minefield after divorce. I’ll explore the emotional effects of divorce, how to build a network, the process of forgiving in order to move on, how you know if you are ready to move on, the ever-thorny question of children, and that new relationship. Yes, there is life and love after divorce!

5 Initial Tips for Recovery After a Divorce

1. Find out about the new you
You are not the same person you were before or during your marriage. While you were married, you were part of a twosome, and that’s how people saw and related to you. Take the time to get to know the new you. Spend time alone.

2. Keep as many of your old friends as you can, but don’t ask any of them to take sides
This may not be easy. Old friends–especially married ones–may feel awkward. Still, if they are real friends, they’ll find ways to stay in your life and support you.

3. Rekindle old interests, and find new ones
Consider painting, dancing, skydiving, or carpentry classes. Join clubs, and volunteer. Get out there and live as soon as you are ready.

4. If you have children, be respectful of them
Understand what they are going through, and realize that how they see your marriage and divorce might be different from the way you see them. Spend time with them, and answer their questions fairly.

5. Most importantly, take your time
Remember, you don’t need to date. You don’t need to rush into anything. Don’t let anyone pressure you. Enjoy rediscovering yourself before you move on. It’s essential to find the you before you find another we.

The next article in this series will be “Centering Yourself During a Changing Life.”

[Photo by whatmegsaid]

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There’s no reason to stop eating healthy, nutritious, tasty food during hard economic times. In fact, now is a great time to experiment with various types of food. So what are you waiting for? Use these tips to get you in the mood.

Your Healthy-Eating, Money-Saving To-Do List

• Write a grocery list. Always. Never go shopping without one. Plan it carefully, and stick with it.

• Ask around about the best places to shop.

• Shop at farmer’s markets.

• Join a co-op, especially if it’s run by volunteers.

• Think carefully about deals that seem gimmicky, and ask yourself if they’ll really save you money. If they won’t, you might end up buying what you don’t need and won’t use.

• Cut down on prepared “convenience” foods. They’re not only unhealthy but also expensive.

• Don’t eat out as often.

• If you can, brown-bag it.

Bulk Food in Bins

Shop in the bulk-food section of your grocery store. That way, you can buy what you need without paying for all that packaging. Look at what you normally buy in large amounts, and see if the bulk-bin section sells it. Buy it in a package only if you can’t find it anywhere else in the store. Consider lentils, beans, brown rice, quinoa, and bulgur wheat. Stock up!

Carbs–Cheap, Delicious, and Filling

Carbohydrates are “fill-you-up” food; they’re cheap, and they give you energy. But skip the refined “white” carbs and instead look for the browns: unrefined rye, whole wheat, spelt flour, and brown rice. If you buy them in bulk, you can save even more money. There are lots of simple, tasty recipes that use good unrefined carbs–use them!

Buy Vegetables in Season

In-season veggies are both better and cheaper. Winter is the time to experiment with cabbages, parsnips, broccoli, squash, and root vegetables. Squash in particular is endlessly versatile and usually inexpensive. You can use cabbages for a coleslaw or stuff and bake them for an excellent winter meal.

Instead of white potatoes, try sweet potatoes, which pack more vitamins. Hardy root vegetables are the basis of a good soup, stew, curry, chili, or casserole. Shopping in-season also keeps you in tune with your natural surroundings. When strawberries are in season, they are a treat because they’re not rock-hard and pasty pink.

If you can, start your own vegetable garden–that’s local food at its best. If you don’t have the yard for a garden, find out if there’s a community garden in your area.

Co-ops in Your Neighborhood

Does your town have volunteer groups that run stores, sell in bulk, or buy produce from local farmers? Find out. If a group like this doesn’t exist where you live, consider starting one yourself!

Don’t Compromise on Taste

Eating drab, dull food isn’t the way to go. People on a budget often end up eating nothing but white refined pasta or regular ground meat. Resist fatty foods! They may be cheap, but the hidden costs can add up fast. Being unhealthy and overweight won’t save you any money.

If you’re on a budget, you can still eat well–all it takes is imagination and a sense of adventure. Invest in spices to liven up your meals. Experiment with sauces. Prepare them in large quantities, and freeze or preserve them. Make your own stock and freeze it in containers that will be ready when you want soup or stew. Curries, stews, and stir-fries are great ways to stretch meat or use leftovers.

Try macaroni and cheese with real cheese and whole-wheat or vegetable pasta. Even something as simple as a peanut-butter sandwich can be healthier with whole-wheat bread and real, old-fashioned peanut-butter. Yes, that’s right; comfort food can be healthy!

Use What You Have

“Leftovers” shouldn’t be a dirty word. What you have in your pantry and fridge is your inspiration, and you should use those things before you go out and by something else. Leftover chicken can mean chicken fried rice the next day. Save and use the water from boiling vegetables in soups, stews, and bread.

A Little Help from Your Friends

Get friends and family members to help you out with cooking. Ask them for ideas. Variety is important, and with more than one cook in your family or your household, you won’t get into a rut. Cooking can be a form of entertainment for everyone. Talk to your spouse, your roommates, your friends, or your kids about what they’d like to eat and how they can make it on a budget.

Discover New (and Old) Recipes

Chances are, your grandmother’s family’s recipes were economical. Perhaps you remember her talking about pierogis, ribs, curry, or gumbo. Phone up your mom, your grandma, or your aunt. Ask if they have any good recipes to share from the past.

Those meals from long ago may have tasted good, but they probably weren’t all healthy. Right now, there’s more information available than there ever has been before about healthy cooking in general, vegetarianism, and veganism. Go out and find it! Do a few Internet searches or check out a book full of great new recipes at the library. Culinary inspiration is waiting for you just around the corner.

If you follow all these tips, beware–you might end up eating so well that when good times come around again, you won’t go back to your old extravagant ways!

[Photo by ms.Tea]

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There’s an old joke that goes something like, because of the raj India got cricket while England got curry. To me there’s no contest who got the better deal, but India’s culinary gift to the world didn’t end with the British Isles; curry is now found everywhere and has morphed into infinite varieties.

The popularity of curry is no secret; it’s versatile, warms your body and soul, is healthy, and most of all delicious. Thai, Malaysia, Indonesian and southern China mix their curries with coconut milk. Curry is also found in South Africa and Ethiopia. Caribbean curry is sweat with added sugar. A kind of curry/chili hybrid exists in Texas called home down chili. And England is crazy about vindaloo, the hotter the better.

What is Curry?

It’s the Tamil word for gravy or sauce. It’s generally a mix of certain spices known as masala, usually having turmeric, cumin, fenugreek, chili, paprika, coriander, cardamom, mustard seeds, peppers, and often including cinnamon and cayenne. The heat in certain curries comes from chili and peppers but isn’t always necessary. Turmeric seems to be the one essential element, and has been isolated as the healthy component of the mix; it’s the reason why Alzheimer’s rate are so low in rural India. There is also growing evidence that cumin might bring medical benefits.

What Are The Ingredients?

Just about anything can be a curry if it has a sauce. The sauce begins with ghee, butter or oil, and after that you can add coconut milk or cream or tomatoes or whatever sauce you like.

I like to start with olive oil and onions and mustard seed, adding chopped potatoes, carrots, and other vegetables, with tomatoes going in last. Then I add all the other spices – I love turmeric and cumin. In addition to vegetables there is an endless variety of what you can add: meat, chicken, beans, lentils, grains and of course – rice.

Everyone has their favorite spice mix and their own ingredient – experiment and start your curry tradition!

[Photo by HouseOfSims]

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Becoming a vegetarian is a life choice that can have many benefits, both to you and the planet. If more people were vegetarians, or at least ate less meat, we could use the land more productively, and cut down on water usage and pesticides, since we wouldn’t need to grow grains for animals to eat. (And don’t forget about the carbon footprint of your cheeseburger…) Even if you are not prepared to become a full on vegetarian, consider the benefits of eating less meat in your diet.

There are many types of vegetarians

Some vegetarians include eggs, dairy products and even fish in their diet (lacto-ovo- vegetarians). Some will eat dairy products (lacto-vegetarians) but not eggs. Yet others do on occasion, like when they are invited out, or at a restaurant (flexitarians). Vegans won’t eat any animal by-products including all diary and egg products. If you’re considering becoming a vegan, talk to your doctor about vitamin supplements and consider taking calcium, vitamin D, and vitamin B 12 fortified food or/and vitamin supplements. Most vegetarian diets are healthier than many meat diets so long as diversity and balance are maintained.

Dietary and Lifestyle Problems: Many of the Same Rules Apply

Sometimes women become vegetarians because they think they will lose weight. This is not always so, especially if you eat junk food like doughnuts and potato chips. You can pile on the calories with sugar and vegetable fat just as easily as with meat.

Eat Healthy Just because you are a vegetarian doesn’t mean you are eating healthy food. Many fast food restaurants sell food that doesn’t appear or sound like meat but cook it in lard and add meat byproducts. To be 100 per cent certain, always read labels and go on websites to find the ingredients list. Most importantly, find out what kind of oil is used in their French fries. Remember Trans fat is technically vegetarian but it is still unhealthy. If you are a busy person who eats on the run, have healthy snacks like fruit, power bars (but read the ingredients), sushi and vegetables like carrots readily available.

Learn To Cook

Depending on where you live, becoming a vegetarian often means forgoing restaurant food and doing more of your own cooking. Getting back into cooking or learning to cook can be a wonderful, creative and satisfying experience. Vegetarian cooking isn’t any more challenging, but it can take a bit of extra planning. Luckily there are many great cook books and literally hundreds of thousands of recipes online.

Create Balance

Make sure you are getting the right amount of protein, calcium, iron, and vitamin B12. If you eat a variety of foods especially leafy green vegetables, tofu, nuts, legumes, dried fruit, seeds, grains and peanut butter, you’ll be getting all the vitamins and protein you need. Vegetarians can get iron and calcium from green leafy vegetables like broccoli and calcium fortified tofu. Always experiment with recipes and new foods. Variety is the key to good nutrition.

Fresher is Better

Using fresher and better quality produce in your cooking will mean better tasting and healthier meals. Sticking to local and / or organic food is taking your support of a sustainable environment one step further, and will certainly help reduce your footprint (not to mention boost your local economy). Find out about co-ops and markets in your area that sell local and organic produce. I belong to a co-op which is run by volunteers and sells fresh local organic produce at well below any supermarket price. If you buy locally then you are cutting down on the green house gases used to transport food. Mostly, though, do it for your taste buds. It’s really important that you eat food you love and enjoy because that way you’ll be more likely to stick with it.

Becoming a vegetarian is a great opportunity to learn about, food, nutrition, cooking, and self- discipline. It can be an important step in a new life, for yourself and the planet. Get started today!

Photo by chailey.

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