It takes me back.

The waxy paper smell of a new pack of crayons hits me and I’m 4 years old. Every time.

In my case, there was a metallic top note in that scent, because I (okay, my mother) used to carry my crayons to baseball diamonds in a round cookie tin, so I could keep myself entertained on a blanket nearby while my brother played on the field. I was never without friends at baseball diamonds.

We All Remember the Smell of Crayons

I’m not the only one with spontaneous memories from the smell of crayons. I love to bring the crayons out when I am leading a creativity workshop, especially when I am with a new group for the first time. Their eyes light up and without fail, someone will bring the crayons under their nose and inhale.

Kindergarten.

I’m no fool, this is all a part of my plan.

The Magic of Kindergarten

There was magic in kindergarten. When we arrived in the classroom, either as tiny adventurers or mini crying koala bears that had been finally pried off of our parent’s calves, we were creatively free. In fact, all that crying and clinging and adventuring are in themselves signs of creative freedom. How do you express yourself when you feel crabby and just don’t want to go into work? A strong coffee and a rant over how busy we are is far more acceptable than throwing a tantrum and letting our emotions mess up the atrium.

That is, if you are a grown-up.

One thing for certain is that no one in kindergarten shooed away their piece of paper and said, “Oh no, not me, I can’t even draw a stick person.” In kindergarten we chose our colors passionately, we took up space, we made marks on paper, and anything was possible. We had all the time in the world.

That is the memory I’m after to kick off my workshop. Even if it’s subtle, a dash of that memory is all I need to seduce that creative freedom that resides in all of us. Just enough to be willing to begin. The rest takes care of itself.

From Crayons to Creative Freedom

Crayons came before we learned that some of us were artists and some of us, apparently, were not. If I’m looking for a safe bet to trigger that space in time when everyone was an artist, crayons are the best choice.

Without the pressure of making what I call, “Art with a capital A”, my workshop participants giggle a little, and then begin to play. It’s not true that great works of art cannot be created with crayons, but most people associate crayons with scribbling and coloring books. Actually, I also often ask my participants to scribble as well.

We are all Capable of Creative Self Expression, Just as We Were as Children

For many of us, that first step that is the hardest part. Making that first mark on a blank page is the floodgate to pent up creative energy.

And the smell of crayons? Just one of the many keys to open those floodgates. It has all the power of the smell of your morning coffee, waking you up to a new day. What wakes up your creative energy?

Resources

For those who want to take the smell of crayons to an intimate level, try Crayon Cologne and be the smell of inspiration all day.

Read about Aromatherapy for Creativity on Geekpreneur.

[Photo by lilivanili]

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Well, I have never been one for Christmas cards.

I love the idea of sitting by the tree and making my own cards while sipping hot cocoa and listening to Hawksley Workman’s Christmas album. I love the idea, until I start worrying about how little time I have in those precious weeks leading up to Christmas. Quickly the vision of me crafting joyfully by the fire is replaced by a vision of me panicking about running out of time, and accidentally leaving someone out of my card-giving goodness. It seemed to me that too many things could go wrong.

So I had opted out of the ritual of sending holiday cards, until I got a great idea that gave me the joy of creating cards with a lot less stress.

I send my cards AFTER Christmas

Once the big day has come and gone, I collect the cards I have received and make a list of all the people who sent cards to wish me a happy holiday. This is my Christmas card list. If they sent a card, they get a card. These are the people who will most appreciate a card in return.

I can wait until after Christmas, because I’m not sending Christmas cards, I’m sending New Year cards. And I’ll be right on time. I spend the day re-working the Christmas cards I’ve received (it is a great way to spend Boxing Day rather than buying things I don’t need) and mail them right back.

Yes, I Recycle Christmas Cards into New Years Cards. Read more for my three great reasons why this is a genius idea…

1: Less Pressure

First of all, once I’ve decided that I’m not going to try to give cards in time for Christmas I feel a big release of guilt. I relax, and enjoy receiving cards from others. I take in the holiday love.

Then, when it’s all over and, there is a week between Christmas and January where I have much more time - because everyone else seems to be recovering - I recycle cards. This is a great time to relax, reflect, and think of friends.

It’s all about reducing stress. People are wishing Happy New Year right through January anyway, so you can be a little late, and still be right on time. There are no rules for New Year cards, and if they are, no one really knows about them. Perfect.

2: Creative Fun

Getting crafty is a great way to decompress after a hectic holiday season. Plus, it’s fun to try and see what you can do with the cards you were given. A few extra craft supplies will come in handy, such as paper, scissors and a glue stick. I re-use the envelopes they came in as much as possible, or I cut out the return addresses from the original envelope and glue them to a new one so the recipient gets mail addressed in their own handwriting.

3: How To Use Christmas Cards to Make New Year’s Cards

Collage right over the front of the card, leaving traces of the original image as a part of your creation.

Cut out the shape of a champagne bottle or party dress from the holiday scene that was sent to you and glue it to a new colorful background.

Get out the glitter, glue stick, markers, magazines, stickers and even use some scraps of leftover wrapping paper from the bin.

Each card is a new creation. How can you turn the spirit of Christmas past into dreams for what’s to come?

4: Original and Thoughtful

Send your card creation back to the person who sent you that card in the first place. They will recognize their card in there, as they probably bought a box of cards with the same image on the front.

Your card will be original, it will command appreciation. Which, shows them that you cared enough to take that time and create a card specifically for them.

If you keep the card in one piece, glue an insert with your own thoughtful message and wishes for the new year. Or, simply cut off the front of the card and write on the back, postcard-style. It’s a great way to inspire others to be creative with recycled materials.

Relax and enjoy receiving your holiday greetings! You have a post-Christmas crafting date to look forward to.

Photo by: word wridden

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With holiday parties happening every night in December, why not do something a little different and host a breakfast party. It’s easy, kid-friendly (if you like), and let’s face it, if you haven’t been organized before now there’s little chance of getting your friends all together in one night.

How to Throw a Breakfast Party

You put on a pot of coffee and have all the must-have morning beverage components on hand: milk (regular, almond or soy), cream, sugar, honey, tea and juice. Some real maple syrup, peanut butter and a couple kinds of jam are excellent staples to supply as well. You make one dish, fill a basket with muffins and wait for your friends to arrive. I tend to tell guests “anytime after 10am.” Of course, if you want to offer booze, mimosas are an early morning favorite.

Make it a Pajama Party

I’ve had breakfast parties where I put the pajama dress code into effect, and it certainly brought the mood into a nice relaxed place. And though most people came in yoga pants and jeans, some guests really did come across town on the streetcar in flannel with a bag of pancake mix and a quart of blueberries.

Having Breakfast in Pajamas Feels Like Christmas

Make it pot luck and your kitchen becomes home away from home. A place where friends are invited to make their own omelets, pancakes, toast and smoothies. I choose this option because I’m not much of a chef, and frankly, I don’t really enjoy cooking, but so many of my friends are amazing in the kitchen. Nothing like finding out your closest friend makes crepes - it gives you a chance to let her shine.

Why it Always Becomes a Kitchen Party

If you love the idea of a casual Sunday morning with friends dropping in and out, a table full of yummy breakfast food, and catching up while drinking too much coffee, then a breakfast party is for you. It’s something you can host year round, because you never need a reason to feed your soul.

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You Know What You Should Do?

You probably have also heard plenty of people say you have to (try someone else’s favorite restaurant) or you are going to love (someone else’s favorite movie or book). My personal favorite is “you know what you need?” in regards to your health, your relationship, your personal time.

When someone asks “do you know what you need?” they are usually saying I know what you need and I’m about to tell you.

Why Unwanted Advice is Annoying

Unwanted advice is annoying because there is an assumption made that you do not know what you need, what you want, what you should do, and you need to be told by someone else. That doesn’t feel very good.

Beyond annoying, unwanted advice is distancing. If you stopped giving unwanted advice, it could revolutionize your relationships. If other people stopped giving you unwanted advice, you might feel more respect and compassion for those people.

In my work as a life coach, I witness the magic that happens when people feel listened to. We all know what we need, if we take the time to listen to ourselves. Having someone else really listen to what is true for you feels wonderful. It feels like you are trusted and capable. It is empowering to share our perspective and to be heard.

At the heart of this is one very important step that everyone giving unsolicited advice is missing:

Recognize Your Assumptions

When you tell someone that they need to give up coffee, you are assuming that you know what their body needs. When you tell someone they really should start doing yoga, you are assuming that what works for you will work for them. When you tell someone they have got to read this book, you are assuming that they care. They might, they might love yoga and thrive without coffee. If only there was some way to find out…

Ask Questions Instead

Yes! Ask questions. Get curious about who you are with. Find out what your friend really needs by asking them. What is important to them? What are their ideas? Asking questions shows respect for the other person and their perspective.

Listen

Listen to the answers once you’ve asked the questions. Drop all the advice you are waiting to give, and listen. You will be amazed at what happens when you really slow down and listen to someone share what is important to them.

When To Give Advice

Advice should be given when it is requested, or when you have been given permission to give it.
I know that there are many people who do this out of love and concern for others, and they truly believe that they are helping someone by extending what they have learned to the other people in their lives. I am sometimes one of those people. When it comes to giving advice, there are a few things we all need to remember. Yes, I am giving you advice right now. A lot of it, actually. You are consenting to this by reading this post, but in most cases, it is best to:

Ask Permission

Not everybody wants advice. You can assume this is true because I imagine that you don’t want everyone you know telling you what you should do, need to do, have to check out. When you ask permission, you are giving someone the choice to hear a new idea instead of telling them what to do. Your wisdom is likely to come across much clearer when it is invited.

Remember

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone else is not solve their problems and tell them what they need to read. Curiosity is your ticket to fulfillment in relationships of all kinds. With others, as well as yourself. That’s right, get curious with yourself too.

You know what you need. What is it?

Photo by laughlin.

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I remember when I first laid eyes on her.

It was years ago, a sunny morning in a wooded area north of the city on the last day of theOM Festival. She wore a short torn dress, giant sunglasses, and leg warmers. Her hair was in dread locks, her feet were bare and dirty. Somehow I always imagine her with animal ears, though I can’t be sure if that was just my imagination. She danced in slow sensual sweeps to the wildly fast music, every 16th beat she would raise a shoulder, arch her back or stir her hips.

There were hundreds of people dancing in the sun, as I sat watching on the hill. But I couldn’t take my eyes off the dancer with the hula hoop.

The Hula Hoop

I saw it and was hypnotized. Where did she get that? This was not your kiddie plastic hoop that you pick up at the grocery store. This hoop was built for a woman’s hips. It was enormous, thick with weight and it moved in slow pendulous orbit around her dancing body.

There were other hoops there on the grass, and anyone would have been welcome to try. But I was frozen. It had been so long since I’d been inside a hula hoop, and I don’t remember being very good at it, even as a child. And so I sat there, wistful and wasteful. My hips stayed put.

Fast Forward to This Past Spring: I sign up for a six week hula hoop class.

My classes were in a small studio with a group of lovely women. The instructor brought us hoops and great tunes every week as she seduced us into sharing her playful relationship to hooping. She took us step by step through new moves like hooping on our bums, hooping with our knees, hand hooping and how to get in and out of the hoops with style. One of my favorite moments was when she had us practice dropping our hoops. We did this over and over until the sound of the hoop crashing on the floor was just a regular part of the class instead of some humiliating alarm signal that we had failed.

The Perfect Gift

Hula Hooping is exhilarating. It is a sparkly gateway to ease us adults into play. It is soothing on the belly, a delicious workout for the waist and hips, an instant way to wiggle off the blues. It’s faster than hopping on a bike. And as fun as it is to hoop in your own private world, it is much more so when you can hoop along with others. Giving the gift of a hula hoop to a friend is also a gift for yourself: an instant playmate to share hooping with.

Who knows, you may even find that you rock the hoop with little effort!

Be sure to check out World Hoop Day, a world wide celebration and non-profit organization aimed at bringing the joy of hooping to children in extreme poverty and underdeveloped neighborhoods. By spreading hoops around, they also spread joy. The founder, Annie Leffingwell-O’Keeffe’s dream is to have the world hoop for peace in 2012.

But if we pull back just slightly from world peace, I invite you to feel the peace in your body and spirit that wakes up under the coaxing rotations of a hula hoop.

Come on give it a whirl, then share your experience here.

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Do you ever find yourself wandering the aisles at a craft store, looking at all those different shaped boxes and mini shelves made of wood and cardboard and wondering, what on earth would I do with that when I finished it? Here is one idea, which makes a personal and useful gift for a loved one.

A Birthday Box

It’s like a recipe box, but instead of dividers for salads, mains and desserts, you have tabs for each of the 12 months. There are index cards in the box, filed under the appropriate month and ordered by date (I put mine in the top right hand corner). For example, my birthday is December 7th, and so if you wanted to remember my birthday you would write up a card for me with a number seven on it and file it under December. You can also include gift ideas for me that I might mention during the year, or even keep track of what you have done for me in the past. You can jot down anything you’d like, because you can always start another index card for me once this one gets old or full.

How a Birthday Box Makes Life Easier

Just before December comes along, you can look it up in your birthday box and count how many people you know are having birthdays that month. That means only one trip to the card shop, which saves you time. Or, perhaps you’d like to set aside a craft night for yourself and make a bunch of cards for the month. No more birthdays sneaking up on you, which is nice.

This is a great project to make for yourself, as well as for others. Odds are they don’t already have one, it’s personal, it’s useful, and it’s something they can choose to display or keep safe and special inside their desk drawer. I really love having beautiful containers inside the drawers and cabinets of my studio. It reminds me of secret doll houses.

Gather Your Materials

1. A plain wooden box(often found at craft and art supply stores)
2. A set of 12 index dividers that fit the box (either 3×5 or 4×6) and index cards of your choice. You can buy these at most office supply stores. Choose a size and color that is easy to find so that your friend can always get refills. Just make sure your cards fit the box.
3. Art supplies (paint, pencil crayons, glue, magazines or other collage materials, etc.)
4. Optional: If you really want to polish it up, use some kind of clear top coat or glaze to protect what you’ve done. I use an acrylic varnish by Golden, which I love and use to seal paintings as well. If you do that, remember to use waterproof materials that wont run and smear when you varnish.

Personalize the Box

There is no right way to decorate your box. Have fun and be as creative or sentimental as you’d like. Here are some ideas:

1. Write all over the box, write all the things you love about your friend, write about giving, friendship, or choose a quote that suits the occasion. Handwriting is personal and beautiful.
2. Collage the box. Cut out images from magazines that have beautiful photos of celebrations in them, like Martha Stewart’s Living. Pictures of wrapped gifts, baked goods and flowers will mark the box for birthdays without any words at all.
3. Use photographs (or copies of photographs) to personalize the box.
4. Paint the box in any way you choose, use lots of colour or the signature colour of the recipient.
5. Collage the box to look like a wrapped gift using beautiful scrapbook papers.
6. Scrapbook supply stores are fantastic for text and decorating ideas.
7. Mix it up! Paint, then collage, then write, then paint some more. Enjoy the creative process and decide when you feel like it’s finished.
8. Don’t forget about the inside of the lid! An excellent place for a loving message or special image.
9. Nervous? Play out these ideas on a scrap piece of pine before you begin on the box, and see how different techniques behave on the wood. You may find inspiration while you play that you hadn’t thought of before.

And while you’re at it, why not make one for yourself?

That is what I did as a trial run before making a Birthday Box for my mom. Not that my mom ever needed reminding that my birthday was coming up, I just knew she would love one.

Give Green

It’s already a box. It’s already beautiful. Save the paper, packing and tape!

To complete your gift, tie a nice ribbon or piece of yarn around your Birthday Box to keep it closed and it’s gift-ready. Be sure to include a little description of your gift and how it is used inside the box along with your card.

Lovely!

Recommended and Related

Recycled Crafts Box, by Laura Martin

Photo by ali edwards.

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And it’s for the kids! Of course it’s for the kids.

I’ve had a busy week. So have you. Don’t let the pressure get the best of you this week, you have an opportunity here for some serious creative self expression in the most aggressively satisfying way. This isn’t about Martha Stewart’s immaculate holiday detailing, this is about you getting messy and hacking through a gourd. Let’s roll up our sleeves and dig in. Chop-chop.

Safety First

Of course. Of course when you are using a knife and cutting through the tough flesh of an unpredictable pumpkin you should pay attention and carve responsibly. Don’t think I’ll just get this one bit here…and leave your fingers in the line of fire should the pumpkin give and send your knife forward without resistance. You are a grown up, be safe. Don’t chop off your fingers.

A Word on Mother Martha

Love her or hate her or bid on her prison pajamas on Ebay, Martha Stewart (http://www.marthastewart.com/) has given me two hot tips for pumpkin carving that I swear by. Here they are:

1. Cut out the bottom of the pumpkin, not the “lid”. This solves all sorts of problems. The pumpkin looks better with no lop sided lid interrupting your lines, you have far more freedom to play with your design now that the top of the head is all fair game and when you light the pumpkin your candle will be on a flat surface (the table or whatever you are placing your pumpkin on) instead of wobbling on the pumpkin’s insides. You just place the candle down, and lower the pumpkin over top.
2. Expanding your tool selection. Martha herself (of course) has her own line of pumpkin carving tools, which are fantastic. But you can also grap some at your local hardware or grocery store. I use a good serving spoon with a long handle to scrape and clean out the pumpkin guts, and have found that a small saw is much more effective and less prone to slipping than a kitchen knife.

De-Guttering: A Safe Symbolic Disembowelment

Emptying the pumpkin might be the best part for expressing a visceral need. It’s messy, yes. Most cathartic things are.

Lay down some newspaper and start scooping. You may need to scrape and scoop, then scoop and scrape. All pumpkins are a little different inside. If you want to save the seeds, don’t be shy about letting a little bit of the pumpkin flesh into your bowl of seeds, it adds to the flavour when you bake them. I’m a fan of the pumpkin seed recipe from the good people of Extreme Pumpkins.

Lose yourself in this process. Just clear it all away. Scrape and scoop. You are creating space for yourself. Let your hands get dirty. Take it all in, the smell, the sensation, the color and texture of the whole experience.

Got Kids?

That’s nice. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t carve your own pumpkin, the way you want it. You can still help your kids with their pumpkins, and have a pumpkin that is all yours. You deserve to be creative and have a place to express yourself just as much as they do, and showing them that adults have that right is an important example for your children. Do you want them to grow up and then shrug and say well, I’m all grown up now I guess no more drawing and singing and pumpkin carving for me? Let’s stop this silly cycle.

If you want not only your own pumpkin but the time to create by yourself, do it at night when the kids are asleep, like you would if you were wrapping presents. They will most likely enjoy the surprise of your creation in the morning.

Jack Without a Face

There are a million ways you can carve your pumpkin. In fact, you don’t even have to carve it. You can drill into it (another great tip from Martha), paint on it, glue things to it, hammer things into it, whatever feels right.

From traditional faces with clean simple shapes, to the stenciling of Halloween silhouettes or the creative gross out tactics executed at Extreme Pumpkins, you have many options to choose from. I invite you to consider not only the question what will look the best, but also, what will be the most fun to make?

Light Up the Night

Why wait for Halloween and the trick-or-treaters to light up your creation? Why not enjoy your newly created lantern indoors, just for you. See what magic your lantern holds when you dim the pot lights and see shapes from your pumpkin art dancing on your walls.

Performance Anxiety

You don’t even have to use your pumpkin for Halloween, you know.

You can just carve it, carve it and destroy it.

You can carve a word into it, something that captures what you wish for yourself, and then destroy it. This is you taking time to get physical and creative and out of your thoughts. There are no rules about carving pumpkins.

That is what I love about Halloween. This is the time for breaking rules.

Resources

For a list of tools and what they can do for your pumpkin, check out Martha Stewart’s must haves for pumpkin carving.

As well, Martha’s pumpkin carving ideas on Halloween Workshop 2008.

There are more tips and ideas from Pumpkin Carving 101.

Certainly don’t miss the fun at Extreme Pumpkins.

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I live in a part of Toronto where the ratio of crack houses to young couples renovating their first home is shifting slowly in favor of our investment. My partner Colin was at a “meet the neighbors” pot luck a while ago, and he introduced himself to a new addition to our street, a seemingly handy guy doing some great work to the front of his house. The new guy tried to figure out which house was ours, based on Colin’s description. After a few wrong guesses, his eyes widened and he said:

“Oh! Are you guys the ones right next to that crazy Halloween house?”

Colin smiled. “Nope, that’s us. We are the crazy Halloween house.”

It’s true. And you should know that not all Crazy-Halloween-People are created equal, in fact, that’s kind of the whole point.

There are many threads leading back through history about Halloween and it’s origins, but there is one thing that stands out for me about Halloween as we know it here in North America: Halloween is a celebration driven by the creative energy of the people.

I see Halloween as a giant creative force absorbing traditions, beliefs and influences as it rolls through our culture. For a historical understanding of Halloween’s subversive evolution, I recommend Nicholas Rogers book, Halloween: From Pagan Ritual to Party Night. I don’t have many history books in my collection, but I felt it was my responsibility to read up on a celebration I make a huge deal out of. Know the rules before you break them, and all that.

So, now that I’ve introduced myself as an official Crazy-Halloween person, let’s hook this up with the power of creativity, and what it can do for you. Specifically, let’s talk costumes.

Your New Identity

There is huge power in imagining the you you wish to become. The idea of faking it until you make it has been put forth by many champions in the personal development field, such as Jack Canfield, Martha Beck, Louise Hay and Shakti Gawain, to name a few. I’m not suggesting that dressing like a blood sucking postal worker will help you become one. It’s about the quality of your new identity, and what it allows you to express.

An invitation to a Halloween party is an invitation to explore what the darkness conceals in everyday life, including those parts of you that are often left unexpressed. It may surprise you to consider that what lies in the dark is not always demonic and ugly.

Let It All Hang Out

Every year someone jokes that Halloween is just an excuse for women to dress like strippers. Is this because the majority of commercially available costumes for women are tiny provocative spandex interpretations of “woodland fairy” or “pirate” or “cowgirl”?. This is a chicken or the egg kind of question, but certainly the trend to let it all hang out at Halloween is undeniable. I find that fascinating. Clearly, there is some kind of permission being given to express sexuality that is just not acceptable say, at work or even out in most bars on a regular night. Whether enforced by social culture or self imposed, we have limits on who we allow ourselves to be at any given place.

If you are one of these women who break out the fishnet stockings, boots and animal parts once a year, let me ask you this: How does it feel?

I’ve orchestrated enough Halloween parties to witness some inspirational behavior. Once someone puts on a wig, slips on some fangs, holds a sword, or straps on some wings, something inside them comes to life; something is liberated under the safety of not being “themselves” for the evening. I’ve seen people I know very well behave in dramatic, secretive or flamboyant ways that I never would have expected.

These are the most popular qualities I see explored at Halloween:

• Sexuality
• Extreme Masculine or Feminine
• Evil and Dark Spirits
• Death
• Things that are messy
• Things that are childish
• Things that are boldly political
• Magic
• Royalty or Rock Star status (read: shining really brightly)

Revealing Costumes

The qualities that are not always met with open arms by those around us are often the ones that are dying to burst out and boogie when Halloween provides a perfect cover. I think that under the safety of playing dress-up, our impulses provide us with insight to where we can tap into something powerful; something that can cause a shift in our everyday lives.

Think about what you gravitate towards when it comes to costumes. Now think about what you secretly wish you could pull off. If you were all alone in an amazing costume shop where you were free to try on anything and everything, just for fun, what do you see yourself reaching for first?

How does it make you feel?

If you carried a tiny piece of that feeling into other parts of your life (like your work, your communication, your wellness, your relationships) what might be available to you?

I’m thinking about bringing that luscious femininity into your communication, or bringing your samurai warrior into work. How about introducing your white hot rock star into your wellness? What about infusing your relationships with a little magic?

Have you already had this experience? I would love to hear about a Halloween costume you wore that rocked your world and woke you up in a delicious way. Maybe you wear this same costume every year? Do share!

Embodying a quality that is crying out to be expressed in your everyday is a powerful thing. If you are headed to a Halloween celebration this year, take a moment to relish the thrill of expressing your shadow side, really let it seep into your pores. This is your little secret. Enjoy all the room you have to play with here, and notice that the energy you tap into does not leave when the party is over.

It is tradition that I don’t reveal my costume before the night of our party, but I will tell you one thing: this year, I’m kicking ass.

. . . . . . .

Photo courtesy of Danette Relic

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You don’t have to fold over those pages of your “romance” novel anymore.

Oh, and you also don’t have to cringe and pretend you didn’t just read that part about Rick’s hairy chest (if chest hair is not your thing). Nor do you have to skim your eyes across words like “manhood” and “tender mound” and ignore them.

Partly because, there really is some great erotic fiction out there. Don’t be shy.

Primarily because, you can write your own.

The Secret Shopper: Your Sexual Cocktail

Yes, you can find great erotic fiction out there and thanks to the internet, you don’t have to walk into the sex shop of your small town to get your hands on it. I certainly encourage anyone to explore the deliciously crafted stories that many talented writers put out into the world for you to enjoy.

However, finding the right erotic fiction can feel a little like finding just the right psychiatric medication or baking the ultimate gluten-free cookie. It is a delicate cocktail. One inappropriate ingredient and you are way off track. What is the ultimate turn on for one person is a total deal breaker for another.

Those little details in erotic fiction (City or Country? Good girl or Bad girl? Wax on or Wax off?) may seem trivial, but in the arena of sexual fantasy they can make or break your buzz. Do you decide to flip ahead to the next story, or continue reading and do your best to ignore the parts that distract you from the task at hand?

This is the beauty of our complex sexual imaginations. Sex therapist Jack Morin has written about the fulfillment that can result from exploring our “core erotic themes” in his fantastic book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment. We are all uniquely wired for sexual pleasure. At best, it makes us fascinating lovers and fastidious consumers of erotic content.

Do It Yourself: Another Kind of Home Improvement

Imagine picking up a collection of erotic stories written just for you. With every detail catering to your secret preferences, every moment building your unique recipe for pleasure, with the people you fantasize about most, doing exactly what you crave. What would that be like?

Nice.

This is not about being a fiction writer, this is about collecting a journal of your sexual stories. Looking for reasons to put your dirty thoughts on paper? Here are a few:

• creative self expression
• personal growth
• massage your imagination
• improve communication with your lover(s)
• improve your sex life
• free, hot custom erotica

This is why it’s worth picking up a pen. Let’s get this party started.

Delicious Homework

Your pleasure is important and wonderful, and you deserve this. Find moments where you can be alone and really let yourself swim around in your imagination. Creating the space to dream is the foundation for your research.

Remember Your Target Audience: You

You are writing this for you, for your own pleasure. You are the only audience for this book, so relax about plot and grammar and even originality. Think of this as a journal of your sexual stories. They are right there inside you, all you have to do is find them. Here is where:

• Memories and Fantasies
• Your Sexual Memory Lane

Create some time and sit with a pen and notebook. This is just for brainstorming. Scribble, doodle, write and list anything that comes to mind when you comb over your sexual history for moments that stand out above the rest. Things you experienced that really turned you on. These experiences don’t necessarily have to be things you did either, they can be things you witnessed or thought about at different points in your life. You know the ones. Yes, that guy. It does not matter if the relationship was a disaster, just snip out that one insatiable night you had together, or that thing only he seemed to know… and leave out the rest.

You are harvesting only the best here. It’s quality, not quantity, and certainly not a contest. If your sexual past has not offered you the fruits you’d hoped for, no worries. In your fantasies, there are no limits.

The Fantasy Highway

Here is where you can make up all the experiences you wished you’d come across in your memory lane, or the experiences that you would never really consider in real life but the thought of them makes you squirm with delight. Fantasy is also the place where you can experience things that are humanly impossible. Really, there is no end to the Fantasy Highway. It’s all yours.

Continue to brainstorm from here, and see what shows up. You may not be able to do this all in one session, by the way. In fact, it should be very difficult to sit still and calmly write page after page about the things that most drive you wild with sexual tension. If not, tweak your stories until you can’t write them out in one civilized sitting.

Just know this: Like sex, it’s all about enjoying the ride.

The Cat Can Stay in the Bag

Okay, many of you may have just had visions of your partner/child/housekeeper finding these fantasies of yours. The horror. I know. It is important to feel safe when writing such personal material.

So if you are hiding this project from others in your household, don’t label the notebook or file “Danette’s Secret Writing”. Give it something specific and dull, like “Brussel Sprout Loaf Recipe” or something (though careful, that might trigger a sexual Pavlovian response to brussel sprouts).

Another tip for keeping a bit of privacy is to write from the third person perspective, like you are writing a story (totally fictional!) about someone else. That way, if someone ever did find it all they would know for sure is that you have a great imagination. They don’t have to know all those crazy things you did with your guitar teacher in college.

Think About the Package

Since this is all about you, think about how you will enjoy your erotica the most. In an easy to flip open spiral notebook? In a discreet folder in your computer? Would you love nothing more than to have your yummy stories published and bound in a candy apple red hardcover? You know yourself, what would give you the most pleasure?

Maybe the notes you began your brainstorming with are perfect the way they are. Why wait and rewrite everything if you don’t want to? It’s not an essay. It’s just for you to enjoy.

I will offer this advice about notebooks: Spiral notebooks fall open effortlessly and don’t require two hands to turn pages. Just a thought.

This is also a great opportunity to get creative and decorate your own cover.

The Possibilities are Endless

Your imagination truly has no limits. This is not a project that comes to a close so long as you are able to dream. Collecting your fantasies can be a life long pleasurable practice that connects you with your sexuality, one that you can take breaks from and then pick right back up when you feel inspired. There are many ways that writing your own erotica can make your life more delicious:

• Your understanding of your own sexual preferences can bring enormous fulfillment to your life, whether you are single or have been married for 30 years. Knowing what turns you on is a powerful and pleasurable thing.
• If you have difficulty expressing your preferences to your partner(s), this could be an excellent tool for bridging that gap in communication.
• Imagine what a sexy romantic gift this could be for your lover when you are feeling brave or short on cash
• Hey, could this be something you would love to do professionally? What a perfect way to find out.

There are many possibilities that spring from writing, and even more that can spring from being in touch with your own pleasure. You get to choose what you write, and what you share.

Let pleasure—your pleasure—be your focus. Enjoy!

Recommended Bedtime Reading

To get your own writing juices flowing, try reading the sexual fantasies of others. For Nancy Friday, research turned to some hot reading in her collections of real sexual fantasies. My Secret Garden, was her first collection of women’s sexual fantasies, or Men In Love a collection of men’s sexual fantasies.

If it’s been a while since you’ve entertained the guilty pleasures of a Harlequin novel, check out eharlequin.com, specifically, their Spice books, which push the boundaries of language and content you might associate with romance novels.

Like I said, finding the right erotica can be a challenge, but is well worth the chase.

I am fortunate to be living in a city where there are many awesome community oriented shops dedicated to sexual health and pleasure, such as Come As You Are in Toronto, who carries a rich variety of erotica among many other things (p.s. they deliver). When was the last time you popped into your friendly neighbourhood sex shop on your way home from work?

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We’re delighted to introduce you to a new C&D contributor, Danette Relic. Mistress of creative vibes and life coach.

Ah, Renaissance Soul. Sounds waaaaaay better than Commitment-Phobic-Twit. I like it.

If you are like me, in that you have a million things you love to do and never enough time to do them, keep reading.

If you are like me two years ago, in that you have not yet read The Renaissance Soul, Life Design for People with Too Many Passions to Pick Just One by Margaret Lobenstine, then seriously, keep reading. I know, you really should get back to knitting that gorgeous sweater, writing your novel, learning Japanese, rehearsing with your puppet troop and expanding your collection of gourmet cheeses, but you may thank me later. Or more likely, you may thank Margaret Lobenstine.

The Renaissance Soul is an insightful and practical companion for those of us who suffer the blessing of having too many wonderful ideas. Like all good books in the self help section, it has a specific audience who will read the first chapter, identify themselves and feel less alone. In this case, it’s people whose passions are so abundant that they (okay, we) have difficulty moving forward in any of them. We hear stories about successful people with their one and only life purpose statement laminated in their wallets and think, I could do that, if I just pick one thing to focus on…

To those of you (okay, us) who connect with this, Barbara Lobenstine reassures:

“Your desire to follow many (and frequently changing) interests is one of the best things about you.” Instead of being labeled a “problem” you can embrace your Renaissance Soul, harness your passions and create a dynamic life for yourself.

I knew I wasn’t a problem!

Lobenstine, we’re listening. Tell us how.

Not only does she tell us how, she leaves us with a sense of empowered focus and ends the book with an extraordinary resource list. For us folks with a million ideas, follow-through is crucial, and follow through she does.

I love the coaching approach of her book. It begins by getting clear on the topic (Renaissance Souls: Who You Are—and Who You’re Not) then doing some work around self-discovery (Panning for Golden Values) before launching into focused action (The Power of Renaissance Focal Points). This tells me that Lobenstine is interested in setting us up for sustainable success. I like that.

Lobenstine has done an elegant job balancing clarity and expertise (from years of working as a career counselor) with enthusiasm and possibility. She supports us in following our hearts desire to pursue multiple passions while also getting real about how we can get there and what that will cost us.

There are quizzes, myths debunked, case studies (that aren’t too long), clever formulas to help you at all stages of her book, and practical elements like time management and how to get paid for your passions. There is an excellent chapter on strategies for young Renaissance Souls who are about to make decisions about their path and education for the first time as adults. I wish I had read this when I was in high school, or at least, I wish my teachers and guidance counselors had.

There is one exercise that falls flat for me, which is calculating how many years we potentially have left by subtracting our present age from the age we expect to die. Really, I’m pretty happy to skip that one. I’m sure I read that part squinting and sneering. Not hugely motivating for me.

The Ice Cream Sampler

The exercise I love (and still use) is what Lobenstine calls The Ice Cream Sampler. Visualize an ice cream shop (this helps if you love ice cream) with hundreds of flavours. Here Lobenstine asks us to imagine how we feel when we are told we can only choose one flavour that we must eat every day for the rest of our lives. Then she asks us to consider trying to consume every flavour each day, every day. Once she has us overwhelmed (and, kind of wanting some ice cream) she presents her Ice Cream Sampler system as it applies to the many flavours (passions) of our lives.

Margaret, you had me at ice cream.

It works like this: choose four flavours for now. If at any time you wish to add another flavour, you must sacrifice one in its place.

I love the freedom this concept has given me. It allows me to relax and pursue my four flavours without feeling like I have made any permanent sacrifices. My four flavours right now are:

1. Growing a Coaching Practice that I Love
2. Developing Creativity Workshops
3. Writing
4. Building my Halloween Party Decorations

If I said that I no longer secretly try to sneak in another flavour disguised as hot fudge (that’s not technically a flavour, right?) I’d be lying. I’ve found that giving myself permission to be a Renaissance Soul helps me to be less frustrated by my insatiable appetite for creative freedom; I celebrate my gift of fullness. Having the Ice Cream Sampler structure in place keeps me in check and gives my ideas a chance to bloom, in their own time.

The Renaissance Soul is a book I refer to and recommend often. It also makes a thoughtful gift for those obvious Renaissance Souls in your life who you love. You know the one. Okay, maybe it’s you.

. . . . . . .

For more information about Margaret Lobenstine and her work visit her website. Check out the Downloads pageto get the first chapter of her book for free, as well as take a quiz to find out if you are a Renaissance Soul.

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